Husband won't forgive

rubyinthesky

We are wobbling on the edge of separation.

Long story short. I have spent irresponsibly but added in to this was postnatal depression and citalopram, which I swear made me not worry about the consequences. The money I spent was on living beyond my means. I never hid it from him. He knew I was a spender, I had debt, was awful at budgeting, and with 4 kids money seemed to spend itself.

He's on quite a good wage. I was on half of his but I pay 2/3 of the mortgage while he pays for all other bills.

We tried to remortgage as I've gone down to part time and have gone self employed. We were just shy on the valuation so mortgage didn't go through. I only then realised exactly how much I owed. He owes the same amount again, but says he can see what he's bought in an extension and standing on the driveway, and can afford his repayments. He seems to think I've spent £27k on shoes and handbags over 12 years of accruing the debt.

I've called StepChange, who were completely amazing. He said it would be the worst thing to split up over, the OH was coming from a place of ignorance and that I'd not committed a crime. He said he'd benefitted from my living beyond my means over the years. My DMP has started. I phoned on the Friday last week and by the following Thursday it was up and running. Totally amazing service.

Anyway, my husband says he will never be able to forgive what I've done to the family and that I've put him back years. I feel like I've killed someone or been having an affair for years. He said the trust has gone, even though I tell him I hid nothing from him and that I honestly hadn't realised myself how much it added up to. I often said to him I'd have to put things on a credit card, so he knew I was still spending on them.

SC say if I can get my payments up to £300 a month, from £100 now, I could pay it all off in 7.5 years. I broke down at this again as I'd thought there was no chance I'd pay it back in my lifetime! I'll be early 50's but I'll be debt free (and probably single!)

Thanks for getting this far if you managed to stuck with it!

rubyinthesky

Oh, just to add, I stopped the tablets at Xmas and the spending also stopped. I've also reduced everything I can monthly. Cancelled the dog insurance and also found a hairdresser who will cut my hair for £18 rather than the £48 I normally pay.

I wish I'd done this years ago. I just thank god we didn't get that mortgage or I'd never have been smashed over the skull with that light bulb!

I might end up a single parent but I'll be debt free and will teach my kids the value of budgeting carefully!

pennies_from_Heaven

big **hugs** to you, didn't want to read and run.
Please don't blame yourself, surely if you told him that the stuff was going on credit cards he can't expect that they are all empty?


It sounds to me that he should have given you more support when you were ill, and helped keep an eye on the finances, so he needs to share some of the responsibility?


I have a oh who has been like this - my weakness was holidays, he and the family went on them but he never questioned how they were paid for, until it all came to a head and we had a massive argument - at the end of the day you are his partner/wife, not his mother, so you can't be expected to make it all turn out right! That's what I pointed out, and it seemed to hit home.


You will get loads of support on here from others who have similar stories, please don't beat yourself up, have you filled in the statement of affairs to see if lovely people on here can help with what you can cut?


Take care,


Pennies xx

pennies_from_Heaven

just saw your post about dog insurance, are you sure this is one to ditch? I have a dog and cat, and the cat has been quite ill - you would be amazed at the vet bills, but luckily we have insurance. We went with animal friends who were far more competitive.

starsapart

I'm in a debt related pickle myself so can't really give you any advice in that respect, but just wanted to sort of say hi and offer support to you.

Hopefully when your repayments become regular and the debt starts going down etc. your husband will be able to see a bit clearer and it won't be so much of a problem?

As you have said, you've never hidden anything so perhaps he feels a bit silly for not realising how bad it was before it got to this stage? It's possibly guilt!

You're obviously in a better place, health wise and you're on the right track to repaying what you owe so just try and keep focussed on that end goal and what happens will happen everything will fall into place if it's supposed to!

elsien

On the one hand I'm thinking that it's obviously come as a shock to you both and you both need time for it to sink in, OH included. Knowing that things are going on a credit card isn't the same as seeing the debt go up and up so I can see why he's shocked.
On the other hand
-He's on quite a good wage. I was on half of his
-He owes the same amount again, but says he can see what he's bought in an extension and standing on the driveway
-he will never be able to forgive what I've done to the family and that I've put him back years
It might be the shock talking but where does he think the money has come from over the years to bring up the family? Yes he's paid bills but if the money you've both spent is for house / family stuff then you're not solely responsible for this one.
I don't think he's being entirely reasonable, but then again most of us aren't when bad news first happens.
Anyway, glad you've got your own spending under control and maybe when you're both feeling a bit calmer you can sit down together and look at how the situation arose and how you can work together to resolve it.

rubyinthesky

starsapart wrote: »

I'm in a debt related pickle myself so can't really give you any advice in that respect, but just wanted to sort of say hi and offer support to you.

Hopefully when your repayments become regular and the debt starts going down etc. your husband will be able to see a bit clearer and it won't be so much of a problem?

As you have said, you've never hidden anything so perhaps he feels a bit silly for not realising how bad it was before it got to this stage? It's possibly guilt!

You're obviously in a better place, health wise and you're on the right track to repaying what you owe so just try and keep focussed on that end goal and what happens will happen everything will fall into place if it's supposed to!

Thanks. My OH sees red and can only think about his anger. He's been like this on and off now for about two months but keeps throwing it all back at me every few weeks.

My dad is really ill, I have a new business, well, two actually, along with two part time jobs. I work at least 15 hour days. He told me tonight I need to 'be a mother to my kids'. I never sit in my living room, going from one job to another. So I get moaned at if I can't make the mortgage payment, but then moaned at for not getting the kids breakfast or putting them to bed because I'm always working.

Oh, and our finances are separate so I have nothing to put on an SOA, as he pays the bills. I suggested getting rid of Sky, but he went mad as he said he wouldn't be able to watch the football.

gocurlygirl

hugs again,my dh mainly paid the things such as expected bills whereas my payments went towards childcare,groceries variable bills,extras such as days out,holidays ,pet care,car expenses and train fares and then helping student children with living expenses.He can say my money went there whereas I cannot!Congratulations on the start you have made and remember there is so much support on here for you.Maybe once your husband realizes how serious you are it may help him too.He has been aware that you were spending and had postnatal depression and caring for children,I agree he should share the path back with you.Most of all look after and forgive yourself:)

honeybean

I was in exactly the same situation but I paid all the mortgage and I also did savings at work and when it matured I used it to pay for an extension. Yes I was stupid with money and my now ex husband thought like yours I frittered the money he didn't believe me when I said part of the card debt was him wanting the best bits in the extension. To cut it short I got blamed completely we ended up divorcing and he played the poor me card.
I lost my home and a lot of friends,do I have regrets yes a little but I am now happy,financially secure having paid all my debts off and still paying our joint account off because he refuses to and am now in a wonderful relationship with a partner who understands loves me and trusts me. At the time I was devastated but my ex husband showed his true colours I thought when you married it was through thick and thin obviously he could not go thro the rough and take some responsibility. Even now 7 years later he still blames me and guess what he is still not happy!!!!!!!!!!

tightfisteddave

ruby - you cant change the past, only the future. there's no point in you (or him) beating yourself up and making yourself feel bad.

from a blokes point of view I would never have let my partner get into this position. I think I would have had joint finances and some regular reviews of where we were financially, budgeting etc. especially at important times in your life like when you had the children.

anyway actions speak louder than words and the steps you've taken to face up to the situation and start to sort yourself out take courage.

hold your head up and as time goes by if he's still playing the "cant forgive you" card then I reckon it speaks volumes about him. don't let the miserable old sod put all the blame on you.

take care

Kate_fixing_it

My word! I could have written your post myself. 6 months on and my DH still can't accept any responsibility. I have no words of wisdom, but wanted you to know that you are not alone. What happens you are a strong person and you WILL get through this, whether he wants to tag along for the ride is up to him but this isn't all your fault, remember that. Getting angry won't solve the problem or change the past. It sounds like he needs to realise that.

Kate x