Husband won't forgive

Mojisola

rubyinthesky wrote: »

Thanks. My OH sees red and can only think about his anger. He's been like this on and off now for about two months but keeps throwing it all back at me every few weeks.

My dad is really ill, I have a new business, well, two actually, along with two part time jobs. I work at least 15 hour days. He told me tonight I need to 'be a mother to my kids'. I never sit in my living room, going from one job to another. So I get moaned at if I can't make the mortgage payment, but then moaned at for not getting the kids breakfast or putting them to bed because I'm always working.

Your OH can't have it both ways - he's either got to be glad that you're working all hours to pay off the debts and he steps up his share of the childcare or he accepts it will take a bit longer to pay off the debts because you need to look after the children.

As the money was spent on the family rather than personal possessions for you, I think he should be taking some of the responsibility for the family debts.

rubyinthesky

Mojisola wrote: »

Your OH can't have it both ways - he's either got to be glad that you're working all hours to pay off the debts and he steps up his share of the childcare or he accepts it will take a bit longer to pay off the debts because you need to look after the children.

As the money was spent on the family rather than personal possessions for you, I think he should be taking some of the responsibility for the family debts.

There's the thing...he doesn't see the debt as being spent on the family. He thinks I spent it all on me. Even though I've said there is stuff on there for the kids shoes and uniforms, my car servicing and maintenance, household stuff such as decorating, kitchen items (although the £250 Kenwood mixer isn't popular, even though it's made the occasional delicious homemade bread), clothes for the kids for holidays. God knows how much on balance transfer fees. By just paying the minimum it was costing me £600 a month, hence petrol, and mortgage payments to him having been whacked in the credit card since I cut my hours.

Mojisola

rubyinthesky wrote: »

There's the thing...he doesn't see the debt as being spent on the family. He thinks I spent it all on me. Even though I've said there is stuff on there for the kids shoes and uniforms, my car servicing and maintenance, household stuff such as decorating, kitchen items (although the £250 Kenwood mixer isn't popular, even though it's made the occasional delicious homemade bread), clothes for the kids for holidays. God knows how much on balance transfer fees. By just paying the minimum it was costing me £600 a month, hence petrol, and mortgage payments to him having been whacked in the credit card since I cut my hours.

He probably doesn't want to see that it was spent on the family because then he would have to admit to some responsibility and would have to climb down off his high horse and join you in the debt clearing.

cc321

I'm glad you're feeling better about it all and that you came to this www for support. Debt can be hard because no one wants to 'talk' about it so people feel they have to hide it. I hope that you have made a good DMP plan and you can stick to it. Maybe in time your OH will feel the impact of no longer having 'your' money/spending and realise that he was, in fact, enjoying it as well. I'm not saying to purposely deprive anyone (haha) but make sure in your budgeting that everyone is sarificing a little bit and not just yourself.

cocoloco

Hi Ruby,

Lots of good points made by the MSE members before me- but one thing stood out for me: I really think that you have and still strugling with severe depression. I'm talking here based on personal experience and I had the same urge to spend on 'unnecessary' items to get that temporary 'happyness' hit. If I were u I would go back to my GP and get assessed and maybe get some help to deal with the underlying issues- it will only benefit you in the future.
Good luck!

PS- I have been on Citaroplam for 10+ years and its the only one that works for me-it took me 4 different medication before we found the right one, so don't give up on it based on one bad experiece.

harrys_dad

rubyinthesky wrote: »

I'm of half a mind to make hubby read this thread, if I didn't think he'd hit me over the head with his IPad afterwards!!!

I assume he bought the iPad as essential expenditure for the family out of his debt?

Getting him to read this thread would be wonderful for him OP, to make him realise that most people understand that marriage is a partnership, involving sharing good times and bad, financial strengths and weaknesses, and supporting your partner when they have depression.

Hopefully you can move forward strongly now OP with support from all the wonderful people on here, and eventually he may offer some support too. If not, maybe you should ask what exactly he does offer you, if anything.

Skinnylatte

Strangley enough, I was on Citalopram when I racked up my last lot of debt

eyeopener2

Make him read this but, I'm lucky in that my wife forgave me and we worked hard..together...to clear the debt.

I have to wonder whether he's worth it.

Richer, poorer, better, worse, sickness, health.

sexyshark

Skinnylatte wrote: »

Strangley enough, I was on Citalopram when I racked up my last lot of debt

same here....

rubyinthesky

Going to keep reading all of your messages. You don't know how much they help. Still biting my head off.

On a good note, MBNA say they will freeze all charges and accept payment