Marking mothers day for a bereaved Mum

heartbrokenaunt

Firstly, apologies for posting with an AE. I'm a regular poster but this is so personal it would be easy to identify me and I wouldn't want family knowing some of the financial issues I've posted on here.


My SIL recently lost her son. He was 7 months old. His funeral was this week.
Now, obviously Sunday is Mothers Day and we're struggling with ideas on how to mark it. We can't and won't let the day pass without doing something for her, but we're really struggling to find the right balance between remembering her son and that she was and always will be his Mum and "rubbing it in her face" that he's not here. And obviously with his funeral being so recent and his passing only being a month ago everything is very, very raw right now and it's really hard knowing what to do.
Her son's father isn't around so she doesn't have him to do anything for her.

Does anyone have any ideas or experience on what to do?

Thanks in advance.

jackomdj

How kind. Could you get two bunches of flowers, one for her and one to take to the grave? More than anything I would include her in your plans, family Sunday lunch for example, so she is not on her own.

Melonade

That's a really difficult one. Like the above poster said a nice family meal on Sunday?

My nan died 2 years ago in March and Mother's Day is a bit rubbish since the (she brought me up) we will visit her grave on Sunday with some flowers.

With it being the other way round I'm not sure I have any advice, it's so sad that this would be her first Mother's Day and so soon after her sons funeral will be very delicate.

I'm so sorry.

heartbrokenaunt

He was cremated so there's no grave . She will get his ashes today or tomorrow so she will have 'him' home with us by Sunday, but it does make it harder that there's nowhere to go to lay flowers for him or to mark the day.

She's staying with us so she will be included in the days plans. I expect it will be a family lunch then a very large glass of wine(!) as we sit and remember our little boy.

We thought about getting her a card, but it's hard to find one with the right words. Words that tell her how brilliant she was but words that aren't jolly etc.

jackomdj

Could you get a plant, something that can be in a pot with her for now but eventually be planted, either in her garden or in a large outdoor pot, which she will be able to keep and watch grow over the years?

room512

What about buying a blank card where you can write your own message?

cattie

As a bereaved parent myself, (I lost my only child) who lives alone due to divorce, it would mean so much to me if somebody just thought enough of me on Mothers day to send a card to say that they are thinking of me. Flowers or any such thing would be a nice bonus, but it's the card that is the main thing.

Each year I get out the last Mother's Day card my son ever sent me, the words he wrote mean so much to me. The first year after I lost my son, one of his best friends did buy me a mother's day card & come to visit, but over the years I've moved & we lost touch.

The perfect Mother's Day card for me to receive as a bereaved mother would say something along the lines of 'You are & you always will be a mother, your son not being here doesn't change that, you are his mother still & the bonds of love that tied you together can never, ever be broken'.

The other thing I'd like to say is please, please remember your SIL on her son's birthday & the anniversary with a card or a phone call. Cards are nice as you can get them out anytime & know that people have not just forgotten that your child was ever alive & act as if he never had existed.

When you lose a child, birthdays, anniversaries, Mother's Day & Christmas are the hardest times & a card just letting people know you are thinking of them can do so, so much to help in the struggle to cope with your loss.

KateBob

jackomdj wrote: »

Could you get a plant, something that can be in a pot with her for now but eventually be planted, either in her garden or in a large outdoor pot, which she will be able to keep and watch grow over the years?

This is a nice idea, something that flowers either around his birthday or now.
A camellia or magnolia?

Let her talk and maybe direct how the day will pass.

Could you visit a park he visited, at 7 months he may have started to enjoy time spent at parks.

So sorry for your loss.

heartbrokenaunt

Thank you Cattie. Will definitely get her a card then. Sorry for your loss xx

Kate/Bob wrote: »

Could you visit a park he visited, at 7 months he may have started to enjoy time spent at parks.

Although he was 7 months he had spent the first 5 months of his life very poorly and although he was better and doing so so well, he still hadn't got to the going to parks or having strong feelings about places stage

I do like the idea of flowers or a plant, but she's said many times in the last month that she can't understand people giving her flowers right now. They just remind her that beautiful things die and she finds that hard But we will get her a bunch of flowers for the day. Probably one to match Grandma's because she's really struggling at the moment too and it would have been her first mothers day as a Grandma as well.

It's just so, so hard to find the right balance with it being so close to him passing

tea_lover

heartbrokenaunt wrote: »

It's just so, so hard to find the right balance with it being so close to him passing

It is so hard, and I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. Will be thinking of you all on Sunday. The one thing I'd say is that however hard it is knowing what to do/say, it's generally better to try anyway. A card with some words you think might be clumsy, or a plant you're not sure about are still better than doing nothing for fear of doing the wrong thing. This is coming out v badly but I hope you get what I'm aiming for. It's good that you all have each other at this time, take care x.

supermezzo

I lost a very dear friend several years ago, and I mark her birthday and mothers day in some way, be it a card, present flowers etc with her Mum. What I would say, is maybe just check that your sil wants to do anything at all on Sunday. It may be that she needs the space to be alone and grieve, or it may be that she needs your support and companionship. Above all, I would say that the best thing you can do is expect her thoughts and wants/needs to change by the minute, and just do the best you can to roll with that.