Starting a family seems unaffordable - stuck in limbo

92203

Hello,

My girlfriend and I are both (originally) from the East Midlands and are in our early 30s. We have been together for over 10 years. She recently qualified as a nurse and I work in IT. Our joint income is about £56K.

She is very keen to have a child and I am confident that we would be able to provide the child with a good upbringing, however I just cannot make the sums add up financially.

I currently work in the Thames valley and my take home pay is just over £2,200. A 2 bed flat in a decent/safe area will typically cost £1000 PCM - just under half my take home pay.

I realize that it is common for mothers to go to work and send their children to a child minder or nursery, however I think that this is a far from ideal situation from the child's perspective, and that after paying child care costs, the significance of the extra wage is diminished anyway.

Our work lives are already stressful and highly demanding. My girlfriend works long hours as a nurse (12 hour shifts), and I think that adding the stress of both of us having to work, raising a child and taking it to child care etc would be too much to cope with.

I cannot see how it would be feasible for us to have a child, without being impoverished, constantly stressed and rushing around, rushing between work and the child minder, and ultimately having the child looked after by someone who doesn't have a vested interest in it's upbringing.

I'm interested to know people's viewpoints, and also to know whether or not we would get any financial assistance.

I appreciate that my wage isn't low compared to some, however it doesn't go far down here.

I have considered moving back up to the Midlands, however I'd end up earning £25k (roughly £1500 PCM), and after paying rent etc would still be in a similar position financially to how we are in now.

I would like to emphasize that we are not big spenders. We lived frugal lives while she was at university (and I supported us both on my wage), and have continued to live in this way so that we can build up our house deposit/savings pot. We do not run a car or go on foreign holidays.

Does anyone have any advice or experience to impart (other than to tell her to find someone rich)? I just can't see how it could work.

Thanks

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angelsmomma

How old are you? you sound very young . I find it hard to believe you are asking this question

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angelsmomma wrote: »

How old are you? you sound very young . I find it hard to believe you are asking this question

I'm not sure if you're trying to be patronizing, I'm 32 and want to make sure that before we bring a child into the world, we are able to offer it a good start in life.

Too many people have children without mapping out the consequences and practicalities of what is probably one of the most important tasks in the world ; raising a child!

92203

blondebubbles wrote: »

If people can support a family whilst receiving benefits then you can support then on a joint income of £56000.

You mention the stress of your partners shifts, your work and childcare. How do you think others manage? I'm not asking that to be rude but surely there are other parents your partner works with. How do they deal with it?

It's hard to really comment any further as you haven't really said what your outgoings are or what your partners take home pay is.

Thanks,

Her income is about £1500 PCM, depending on how many nights/weekends she gets rostered on (she gets unsocial hours payments when doing these shifts).

We have no loans or credit cards, Just standard domestic bills and rent.

My parents live in Scarborough (North Yorks) and have said that they will provide some help with the child care if we moved up there. My girlfriend has a job lined up there, however there is not much demand for my line of work. I saw a job up there offering £20k recently. I do not want to risk becoming unemployed or unemployable

LocoLoco

It can all seem a bit daunting in the thinking about it stages!


There is a site called Turn2us:


http://www.turn2us.org.uk/benefits_search.aspx


From your post I take it you are thinking about managing on one salary? You could put those details into the benefit calculator and see what you might be able to get on top of a single salary.


If you need more information on housing benefit rates you could have a look at this site:


http://www.voa.gov.uk/corporate/RentOfficers/LHADirect.html


If you are eligible it should tell you what the maximum amount of rent is for that area. If you both managed on your wage when your partner was at university then I'd imagine you'd find it manageable again now. It's very easy to get baby stuff second hand (or free) and you don't have to spend a lot when they're little - a sand pit and the local park keeps them happy for hours. Keep in mind that your situation won't be like that forever so don't give up on the idea! It is much more sensible to think about what you're doing and check everything out beforehand rather than getting pregnant and then realising you can't afford it. But it sounds to me as if you'd cope just fine. Good luck

pineapple123

'I cannot see how it would be feasible for us to have a child, without being impoverished, constantly stressed and rushing around, rushing between work and the child minder, and ultimately having the child looked after by someone who doesn't have a vested interest in it's upbringing.'

To be blunt children cost and as they get older they cost even more.
Children stress you out from babies needing constant attention to teens what are they up to.
Rushing around here, there and everywhere. part and parcel of having children.
Child minders etc do care about the ones in there care and a good one knows how they influence a child and there future.

Unless you earn a fantastic wage and can afford paid help children may never be 'feasible' to you living where you do.

Having family support would be good and would enable your partner to work also give you both some free time which is worth so much more than earning a good wage however I do understand your worry for loss of income etc

AlexLK

Is there any reason you move away and do IT contract work?

Paulaviki

Everyone always tells me that if you wait until you can afford to have children you will never have them. They say it's hard but you just manage and cut back on everything for you because it becomes about them.

Me and my husband are a similar age with a similar income and we know finances will be tight if we can have a child but that's a sacrifice we will have to make if we want kids.

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blondebubbles wrote: »

Okay so you have around £3700 income per month. There isn't really "standard bills". Council tax, gas/electricity, mobiles, tv/internet etc are always different.

My partner and I don't have children at present as we are saving to buy a house first before starting a family. We have a joint income of £3200 per month. After all our bills, car/fuel, food etc we have around £1200 left to do with as we wish.

You'd really need to sit down and calculate the different scenarios to work out what's best.

In terms of the normal benefits for children, you would qualify for child benefit (£20ish per week).

The limit for child tax credit for one child is £26000 or £42000 with childcare costs.

Thanks, we've been saving up for a house deposit since she qualified, and now have just shy of £20k. We can't afford to buy in the South AND have children, so have been looking at buying somewhere up in the Midlands or North of England. Still doesn't seem feasible. I need to earn more money

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AlexLK wrote: »

Is there any reason you move away and do IT contract work?

None at all really. I guess that is definitely an option in the future. I've been in my current job for just undwe a year and really enjoy it. Learning a lot and getting plenty of opportunity, though I guess I could move elsewhere in the future.

fresian_cow

I agree with pp who said if you waited until the "right" time to have a baby you would never have one. Unfortunately life is never going to be perfect and you will never have as much money or time as you want or think you need. It sounds a bit idealistic but you just manage. My DH and I have an annual income combined of about £32k, we run a car, have a mortgage of approx £556 a month plus shared ownership rent of £115 a month plus other bills plus a credit card and we manage. We both work 4 days each and to be fair have family help on the other days and make it work. We don't get any benefits or other financial help apart from child benefit.

My advice would be to not wait too long. We waited 5/6 years to start trying for a baby and it took us 3/4 long years to get pregnant and that was with some help. In that time I lost my mum and I regret so much that she never met my daughter. I agree it isn't something to rush into and you are being very sensible but don't leave it too long! You will manage!