Split parenting and money

monty-doggy

Hello

My oh has 3 children to his ex, he has them 150 night a year and the csa calculate he gas to pay her £250 a month. She also has a new baby to her new partner.
She receives just over £1100 a month in tax credits and child benefit, £250 from my partner plus her new partner earns around £1100 a month giving them an income of approx £2500 a month. (She also earns around 450 a month doing hairdressing cash in hand)

We provide for his 3 children as if they are here full time as they are here every weekend so we buy clothes, toys, underwear, pjs, bikes you name it we buy it. They have their own rooms here, the girls share, boy has his own.
In addition we pay half for school trips, buy school uniform and school coats.

Now we've our own baby on the way it's made me question how other people do it? We will only have an income of 1900 a month once I'm on mat leave so I'm wondering should we be buying as much as we do or should csa money cover this? Either way his ex will go mental if we change things but we cant afford to buy all that once our income is lower.

I'm not at all trying to shirk responsibility, I'm just wondering how other people arrange things?

Bublin1

When your new baby arrives, inform the csa and your husband's contribution will reduce.

I guess, now that you have your own baby on the way, you're re-evaluating everything......I have nothing more to add.

duchy

What does what she earn have to do with it? If she was a millionaire he should still be contributing.
Your partner has three children and he's now having a fourth. Four kids nowadays is a luxury and luxuries cost. If he fancies another child why should the other children be disadvantaged? It wasn't their choice. Perhaps he should gave thought about money before ...... He's had three before so the fact a baby is going to impact on finances will hardly be a surprise to him even if it is to you. I realize from your sig that you have fertility issues but no matter how much wanted a child is.....his previous children are equally entitled to his support. He'll pay less through CSA but to suddenly stop giving his other kids things they are used to him giving solely because they have a new half sibling who will likely also impact on the time he can give them could damage the success of a happy and healthy sibling bond between the baby and the other children . I do think you need to think this through really carefully. The last thing you want is resentment because the baby is blamed for what children may see as Dad stopping them say going on a school trip ...... Is short term struggling important enough to risk damage the relationships between father and child as well as between siblings.

(Once again I notice we have a current partner who apparently knows all details of the mother's finances ........this always seems so odd. )

CSA contributes to the children's living expenses at home not at a NRPs home as CSA you pay is calculated at less to allow for the nights they spend at yours so you already get that. If you are supplying clothes, bikes for use when they visit the CSA regard that as your choice as children will already have their things at home.

liney

Technically, the CSA money is to cover the parents share of the expenses of the children. So school uniform, trips, and day to day clothing should be covered by this money. However, most parents would still expect to treat their children to things that are 'theirs' at their other home. Nice Pj's and bedroom items spring to mind. You say toys and bikes: surely these are birthday and christmas presents, not weekly occurances?

As you started buying uniforms and paying for trips, I don't see how you can stop now without causing WW3. I would also question the Tax Credits figure you assume - it seems very high for the household income.

Why not start a 'new system' for extras at your house, where the children get a weekly allowance to spend (pocket money) at Dad's house. They can then save their £5 or whatever, to buy their own toys. It will cost you less, and teach them the value of money.

19lottie82

How do you know how much her partner earns and how much she earns cash in hand? Also, how much her partner earns has nothing to do with maintenance. Its your OHs duty to care for his kids, not their mums new boyfriends.

19lottie82

Ps your income doesn't come into the equation when your ex is paying for his kids. It's HIS wage only. 25% of his salary minus 1/7 for each night per week he has them.

As someone has said you will get a reduction when your baby arrives.

I'm sorry but you knew your partner had 3 children and that NRPs have to pay a min amount of child support. If you can t afford to pay this maybe you should have considered this before you planned another child.

duchy

To be fair looking at the OPs sig this baby wasn't planned so much as very unexpected (congrats btw OP)

Blended families are a minefield at the best of times and let's be honest here the maternal instinct is strong and a new baby will take priority over everything for the new partner even if they have a strong bond with their partners other children. Unfortunately our society regards marriage as more disposable nowadays but hasn't yet learned how to handle properly how to handle children and the accompanying finances that come along with this in a way that doesn't leave someone unhappy. Subsequent partners expect their children to be equally valued.... And supported but often there simply isn't enough money to go around if there are several children from previous unions. There's no easy solution and until people start having only the number of children they can afford these situations will continue. Maybe the solution is that benefits are only paid for one child per adult.....so if a couple have two children and then split up ....any subsequent child only qualifies for benefits if the other parent doesn't have a child or children already.

FBaby

There is no right or wrong, all families have to adjust their bugets in light of new circumstances. The problem with split famlies is that this adjustment inevitably impact on the other family.

Whatever you need to change, to keep her inform as early as possible, to avoid the situation when she is asking for help with a school trip, and your OH replies that he can't help any longer. She gets annoyed because she had no expected it, and then goes the pointless back and forth of dissecting each other's lives and budget, with both position being that the other is unreasoable.

Depending on the level of communication between them, I would think the best thing to do is for your OH to explain that his family budget is going to go down for some time and therefore he most likely won't be able to contribute to as many things outside of maintenance as he used to but that he will do his best to ensure he can help with some things. That means asking that anything requiring some funding over £x she informs him as soon as she knows and they can agree how much he can provide additionally so she knows what she needs to budget herself.

Of course, this goes on the principle that both can hold such a conversation. Assuming she dooesn't have the maturity, that might not be so straight fowards, but even more a reason to try not to go straight with a ' sorry, time change, I give you plenty already, so sort it out yourself' kind of position.

monty-doggy

I I'm not saying we can't pay for the children or will stop buying them things I was asking how other people manage and what they do regarding csa payments and what it should cover.

Please don't be judgemental, I was told this baby would never happen. I love the other three as if they were my own and I'd never stop providing for them.

I'm simply trying to work out how we will manage while I'm on mat leave.

I plan to go back to work and therefore be able to provide for all four of our children.

monty-doggy

FBaby wrote: »

There is no right or wrong, all families have to adjust their bugets in light of new circumstances. The problem with split famlies is that this adjustment inevitably impact on the other family.

Whatever you need to change, to keep her inform as early as possible, to avoid the situation when she is asking for help with a school trip, and your OH replies that he can't help any longer. She gets annoyed because she had no expected it, and then goes the pointless back and forth of dissecting each other's lives and budget, with both position being that the other is unreasoable.

Depending on the level of communication between them, I would think the best thing to do is for your OH to explain that his family budget is going to go down for some time and therefore he most likely won't be able to contribute to as many things outside of maintenance as he used to but that he will do his best to ensure he can help with some things. That means asking that anything requiring some funding over £x she informs him as soon as she knows and they can agree how much he can provide additionally so she knows what she needs to budget herself.

Of course, this goes on the principle that both can hold such a conversation. Assuming she dooesn't have the maturity, that might not be so straight fowards, but even more a reason to try not to go straight with a ' sorry, time change, I give you plenty already, so sort it out yourself' kind of position.

This makes sense thank you. As I said I don't want to stop providing but I feel we've made a rod for our own backs by buying over and above what a lot of parents wouldn't. I don't regret it, I love the children dearly but I don't want to be crippled when I'm on mat leave.

I'll encourage him to try your advice and see how it goes


Btw we only know her income as we sat down with a mediator when they were finalising a clean break order for their divorce as she was under the impression he would have to pay spousal maintenance but we agreed in light of her income, his income and the fact she's living in the marital home and he's giving her the 60k equity that no maintenance for spouse would be due.

monty-doggy

duchy wrote: »

To be fair looking at the OPs sig this baby wasn't planned so much as very unexpected (congrats btw OP)

Blended families are a minefield at the best of times and let's be honest here the maternal instinct is strong and a new baby will take priority over everything for the new partner even if they have a strong bond with their partners other children. Unfortunately our society regards marriage as more disposable nowadays but hasn't yet learned how to handle properly how to handle children and the accompanying finances that come along with this in a way that doesn't leave someone unhappy. Subsequent partners expect their children to be equally valued.... And supported but often there simply isn't enough money to go around if there are several children from previous unions. There's no easy solution and until people start having only the number of children they can afford these situations will continue. Maybe the solution is that benefits are only paid for one child per adult.....so if a couple have two children and then split up ....any subsequent child only qualifies for benefits if the other parent doesn't have a child or children already.

Thank you, this baby wasn't planned, before we met I was told it would never happen, I've a whole load of medical issues and so it was a shock but one I'm happy about.

I feel the benefits system is wrong that his ex can claim £250 a week for four children via tax credits, when we have them almost half he time, share the costs and still pay her. Some families send kids to dads with an overnight bag, we don't have that, we provide everything. Again I'm not complaining I like it that way and I love buying them nice things.

I'm also not saying I want to take her tax credits off her or not pay csa I just think the system is wrong. We won't be entitled to any benefits or tax credits but I will return to work maybe four days a week so I can still provide for them all.

I'd love to be a stay at home mum but, I'll face up to my responsibilities and provide for them.