How to tell Family to Butt out!

Scotsbride

Mojisola wrote: »

If just saying "Please don't call Scotsbride that" doesn't work, then he needs to say "Next time you call my wife "her" or "your little friend", I'll put the phone down on you" and do it and don't answer if she tries to phone back. Be unavailable for a couple of days. He treaten too but doesn't do it! leaving the answer phone to get calls.

It will be practice for when you're teaching your LO not to do things - carrying on doing them has consequences.

-


true although I yet to figure out how to get the baby to stop summersaulting and landing on a nerve in my back at 3am! not that I don't enjoy feeling it move!

quailpower wrote: »

I nearly commited murder for similar reasons when pregnant. Glad I'm not the only one then!

For some reason when your pregnant people loose their "polite things to say" filter.

Id just simply say you are really stressed and she is not helping, even if she thinks she is. So you are having a "holiday" and will speak to her again in a month. Doctors orders to stay calm after all Did tell that I was On doctors orders to rest- She ignored this! Might wave the dangers of high BP in pregnancy under her nose!

If all else fails, I found not really listening to what people say and going "really? Yeah? Yeah?" can sustain you for most conversations.

Will try this

securityguy wrote: »

Why are you spending time with someone who upsets you?

Mainly because I'm the only relative that lives nearby and I like spending time with my Granpa who lives with her he doesn't hear very well in fact he's stone deaf but he has the most amazing sence of adventure and humour along with great stories and still travels on his own aged 90! Also as I live nearby the family expect me to check to make sure they're alright.

ema_o

Hiya

I think most of the below are perfectly reasonable things to say.

Scotsbride wrote: »

1. I know my own mind (when she tells me what I should feel). - Yup!

2. Every pregnancy is different (when she tells me I should feel more energetic and have a pregnancy glow by now).
- Yup!

3. I felt what felt like movement (could of been gas but I more aware of my own body and that what it felt like to me! whe4n she tells me I can't possible felt the baby move it's far to early)
- Stop telling her these details - share them with people who will be excited for you rather than disagree!

4. the doctor advised me to rest and drink plenty of fluids so not inviting her in when I told I was ill prior to her arriving on my doorstep with a present for my niece to deliver is not rude.
- Presumably this occasion has passed - so I would drop it but future occasions say the doctor has told you to rest so you don't want visitors.

5. I do get out (I walk for an hr each day visit friends etc) Just cause I don't visit her at her times doesn't mean I'm sat indoor all day!)
- Yup, and the bit in brackets!

6. I will discuss DIY issues with the house with my hubby not her and I don't need her giving me nightmare about having the baby taken away cause the living room not decorated).
- Yup!

7. Any issue within my marriage are mine and my husband business not hers.
- Yup! Followed by leaving if she continues to try and discuss.

8. I feel 18 wks is too early to think about prams I don't want to temp fate!
- Yup. Or actually this is a good one to listen to her opinion, nod and smile, then do whatever you want!

9. When I say I can't come over cause the car in the garage don't keep telling me to come over.
- Yup!

10. I have a life
- Yup! (although I hope she is not telling you to get a life?!)

11. I'm a 33 year old married woman who is pregnant and not the idiot she preseves me as.
- Yup - if using the above doesn't work this might be a last resort!

12. When she asks if she can do anything to help is it really bad to want to say yes F off.
- This one you could phrase a bit better - but in essence yes - tell her you need some space as you are really stressed! Or that you like spending time with her but want to discuss something other than your pregnancy / the baby as you are really stressed...

13. When I want advise I will ask for it so stop ramming it down my throat!
- Yup - again if the first things don't work. Although again nodding & smiling then do what you want might be appropriate.

14. I would be nice if she came and saw me rather than me always making the effort to see her considering she passes my door twice a wk away.
- Yup - although this one might backfire once baby gets here you may not want her dropping in unexpectedly. Maybe better to ask her when she will be passing & invite her to drop in.

15. If I'm doing a favour such as walking her dog then surely it should fit in with a time to suit me best!
- I can't walk your dog then - I can do it at x time (when asked to do a time that doesn't suit you). Although this sounds like a historical issue so might be worth leaving until the time it occurs again.

16. I can't always drop everything to go over to hers,
- Don't say this about things that happen in the past. But when she asks you to do this say you can't drop everything to go to hers.

17. Stop referring to me as her or your little friend when talking to my hubby on the phone.
- Yes. Although it needs to be your husband that says this every time she says it to him.

18. Just cause I don't go over ever week doesn't mean I don't care. I'm allowed some me time!
- Yes.

sorry rant over in essence is it too bad to t tell her to butt out
In essence yes - it sounds like you need to be quite blunt as presumably asking nicely hasn't worked so far! However I don't think there is anything shocking in what you want to say other than f off!!

securityguy

Scotsbride wrote: »

Also as I live nearby the family expect me to check to make sure they're alright.

Just because they expect it doesn't mean that you have to.

MSE is a haven for people whose posts boil down to "my relative upsets me", but when the response is "so don't spend as much time with them" there are endless reasons why the OP has no choice. They do have a choice. You do not have to spend time with adults you don't like. You have moral and sometimes legal obligations towards your own children while they are children. Otherwise, if people annoy you, stop seeing them. See, that was easy, wasn't it?

themull1

Your Gran sounds like my mam, and i'm nearly 46, but whatever i do in life she's always got her opinion!!

Scotsbride

themull1 wrote: »

Your Gran sounds like my mam, and i'm nearly 46, but whatever i do in life she's always got her opinion!!

Thanks glad I'm not the only one livid at her though for telling my aunt and uncle that where over from NZ that I was to busy to see them and for rubbing my nose in it over several family meals that I wasn't invited too.

Caroline_a

I had a mother-in-law like this. She was far worse when my first was born!! No help from husband at all with her (or the kids!) so I learnt the art of 'uhuh' which is agreeing then doing your own thing.

Worked a treat!

sooty&sweep

To be honest it sounds like you've got one very excited Grandmother who wants to share the joy of your pregnancy.
Does she have much of a social life ?
I do think she's being totally overbearing but could you write her a letter with some ground rules in it ?
Jen

mountainofdebt

I remember my mum drove me insane when I was on maternity leave as every weekday morning, at 10am precisely, she would ring to see how I was......

pmlindyloo

I know this is easier said than done but it's worth a try!

Just reply 'Thanks for that' or 'I'll think about it' to everything she says and then change the subject. And of course, just continue in your own sweet way.

Unfortunately it's not only during pregnancy that people give unwarranted advice - just wait until it's potty training time!

You have to grow a very think skin and smile your way through it without becoming stressed (bad for everyone). The alternative is some straight talking but this often results in very bad feeling, gossiping among the family and even falling out. Come on here and rant instead or rant to your OH.

As to the 'little friend' comment I would use this at every opportunity to refer to yourself as OH's little friend. Said often enough she might see how silly it sounds. eg. When she phones say, ............'s little friend speaking'. I know this is pathetic but such good fun!

Try to keep your sense of humour about everything. Annoying as they are it's usually just a case of trying to help. Mind you, the 'little friend 'comments' are beyond comprehension. Ever asked her ''why do you call me ........... ..'s little friend?'' Would love to hear her response!