How do we get my alcoholic father into rehab, or what help is available to him?

arehab

I'll try and keep this really short with only the main details:

My father is an mid 50s alcoholic, he has severe alcohol problems and has done for over a decade now. My parents separated years ago but remained in the same house due to financial problems. Last year my mother (and her children) left the house to live elsewhere because it was becoming impossible to remain in the same house as my father. Last year their house was put up for sale and a buyer was found, my father was very much against the sale (and said it would be sold "over his dead body") but eventually he agreed (while sober) that the sale was for the best, as the financial problems were forcing his family into poverty and had to rely on handouts from their only independent child (the family has been financially dependent on me for over a year).

My mother has tried to help him stop drinking before (around 2 years ago) with the help of his GP and he did manage to stop for a few days with the help of medication, however after going to one alcoholics anonymous meeting a few days later he started again and has been drinking even more since, it also escalated when his father died a few years ago. He buys hundreds of pounds of vodka every month.

He is being made redundant next month and this week he is off work to deal with moving him into his own flat, since finishing work last week he has been refusing to wash, he doesn't eat, he just wakes up and drinks and kicks and shouts until he falls asleep crying. Last night the police were called by a neighbor because the house alarm went off (we're not sure why as he lives alone right now) and he had slept through it.

We fear that he is not going to make it to the end of this year (either because of drinking or suicide -- he has threatened to kill himself and while I don't think he would, it's still a concern) if we do not get him help, which leads me to believe that the only hope we have of helping him is to get him into some sort of residential rehab facility that can give him the constant around the clock support he needs to get better.

How does rehab work? Will it work for someone like him, or does it only work for people that want to be helped? Any advice would be greatly appreciated, thank you. I have access to £10k which I think would pay for rehab but I'm not sure.

fivetide

I think the issue with rehab is that, like quitting anything, it has to be something they actually want to do.

Sounds like he's got all sorts of other issues that would mean even if he was weaned off the booze, the underlying problems might put him right back where he was (just like before).

It might be that your local support gtoups can give you advice on the right sort of "intervention" which, given the suicide threats, might even involve being sectioned. It's tough but I know someone who went through a similar thing with a family member (although their issue was drugs of a different sort rather than alcohol).

Having been taken in a number of times the person finally sorted their problems but it took a lot of effort and a number of interventions to get them to a mental place where they could finally stop.

Good luck. Sounds like you've had a tough time.

duchy

I don't think it matters how much you want him to stop -He has to really want to give up his "love" first.

Al-Anon supports families of alcoholics and can give advice- You really need to be talking to them about what resources are available to him and if they are appropriate for his present situation. Please talk to them.

dandelionclock30

Nothing will work unless he wants to do it, so unless he is at the stage where he wants help then you might as well forget it. Concentrate on getting yourself some help through Al anon who help families affected by those who drink.
If he does want rehab then his G.P can refer him to a service who can do an assessment on him and advise him of the various options. Dont rush to spend your 10K on him, the service provider will do a financial assessment on him. Your G.P will know the drug/alcohol services which are available for the city.
NO rehab will have him unless he is 100% committed to changing for good, the person has to be very comitted. It doesnt sound from what you say that your Dad is there yet.
Good luck with it all.

Person_one

If he wants to stop, the first port of call would be his GP who should be able to refer him to a local drug and alcohol team, or a similar service in your area, it varies.

If he doesn't want to stop, there's really nothing you can do about it sadly, and you should think about protecting yourself, emotionally and financially.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

CH27

He has to want to stop. We can't make them stop.

You need to look to protect yourself from him as it can be mentally, emotionally, financially & physically draining.

BitterAndTwisted

I think it's sink or swim time, quite honestly.

You could spend that ten grand by booking him into the Priory or similar and he might last 24 hours before walking to the nearest pub or off-license.

If he really does spend hundreds of pounds on vodka every month I'd be amazed if he made it to Christmas. Mind you, once he spends his redundancy money he's not going to have hundreds of pounds a month, is he?

kjp

I have no advice, but just want to say I know exactly how you feel (with a few minor changes I could have written this post), but unfortunately as other posters have said, until he wants to stop there is nothing you can do. It's a horrible thing to have to live through, and I know the same fear of waking up in the morning wondering if he's still alive. Al-anon are supposed to be a good support, I haven't been but my mother has, but other than that I cannot suggest anything. If you want to talk please PM me, I know how difficult it all is. Look after yourself x

laurel7172

You are taking far too much responsibility for your family's problems.

Addicts can't be helped until they decide they want to be helped. And sometimes they just don't want to be. Hard as it is, it is your father's right to drink himself to death if he chooses. But, far more importantly, it is not within your power and therefore completely outwith your responsibility to stop him.

For your own sake, you need to start forgiving yourself for being unable to change him, and make your peace with the man he is, not who you need him to be.

Al Anon has been mentioned several times above, but actually a small part of your £10k might be better spent on a few sessions of counselling to help you put down this burden that isn't yours.

Good luck to all your family

hazyjo

Tough one. My ex was an alcoholic in denial. Things improved for a while after he had a heart scare (two, actually). I suppose all you can hope for at this stage is for a scare that doesn't kill him that might make him re-think his drinking.

Agree with the others - he has to want to stop. Don't spend a penny until he's at that stage. He'll probably have to reach rock bottom first. The 'blame' is with him, not you or anyone else trying to stop him. Nothing you can do. His decision. Unfortunately rehab isn't a case of locking them away in a room until it's left their system and educating them not to drink. Unless they're prepared to work very hard to stop, they'll be straight in the nearest boozer after checking out.

So long as he's living on his own and probably seeing 'mates' down the pub all day, the pattern won't change. He'll probably need to be away from that environment and not go back to it. My BF's dad's in the same boat - and unfortunately drinking away his pension down the pub every day. Even a recent fall/hospital visit/stitches didn't help. We accept that isn't going to change and the drink will be what kills him. It's very hard, I know. My BF had a problem with drugs which he could only get over by moving away from his so called friends. Clean for 10 months now.

Good luck.

Jx

Caroline_a

Sadly I would agree with the others. You cannot make him change, he has to want to himself. Think about other addictions like gambling, cigarettes, drugs - if the families could make them change, don't you think that they would? It has to come from within the person themselves. I lived with an alcoholic who wouldn't admit he had a problem for several years. I ended up trying to set up situations where I hoped he wouldnt drink - I would cook expensive meals as if he ate he then stopped drinking, I would come home as early as work would allow to stop him going to the pub, etc etc. When I left him it was like a huge weight had lifted from my shoulders, I had no idea that I was under such a strain!

However, this is your father, so you cannot just up and leave. You cannot try to force him to change, because it will only end in tears - for you. Leave the £10k where it is unless your father recognises the problem and asks for help and you feel he really means it. Good luck!