Struggling with life.

nat21luv

Hi all,


Im having a rough time at the mo and struggling to find someone to talk to who could offer advice. I feel like im travelling down a dark tunnel with no way out and im becoming more and more reclusive and depressed. Im a single mum out of work with 2 children, age 4 and 10.


It started mainly in September last year; I enrolled in college to do a Level 3 CIPD course in HR Management and its only one day a week. All was going ok apart from than my sons father wasn't happy that there was a gap of 30 mins maximum between me finishing my course 14miles away and my son finishing school. He is 10 and allowed to walk home. Walking takes approx. 15-20mins so he would be at home for 10mins alone. I am completely confident in his ability to be alone(he was told to lock the door, read a book/draw/do homework until im home) and knows what to do in an emergency. His father started throwing his weight around to get me to put him in afterschool club that would cost me a fair bit of money or his family would collect him from school and have him overnight. I wasn't happy with either of these demands and decided to ignore him as my son had stated that he was fine and confident with being left at home for 10mins.


2 weeks after starting my course and I had got home the same time as my son on both occasions and didn't feel the need to worry at all, all was fine and he was happy. One night I had a knock on the door from a police officer saying there had been a report of child neglect and she was here to check it out. She walked through the door and said its not what she was expecting, the report was for a squalid home and neglected kids and I clearly had neither. She spoke to my boy and was happy with the amount of time he was left unattended and said she wouldn't be taking it any further. I then went on holiday a few days later and my son stayed with his dad for the week. The whole time I was away I asked for my sons dad/grandparents to let him email me so I could keep in contact and after calling them numerous times, I couldn't get hold of him. It turns out my son spent the whole week with his nan and had access to email/phone numerous times through out the day. It was only on the morning of returning I received an email from my son replying to my email saying he was ok.


The day I arrived home I hadn't even unpacked my suitcase before I had a knock on the door from a social worker saying that I was under investigation for child neglect. He had already visited my son in school without my knowledge and had numerous meetings with my son, his dad and family whilst I was away. He had already built up a picture of who I was based on their opinions and so he was most unkind towards me. I felt so so betrayed by my sons family, his grandparents had told him not to say anything to me as it was 'their secret' and the reason why I had not heard from him whilst I was away.


Anyway, fast forward 7 months and ive finally received a report from SServices saying that the case is closed and no further action is required. Turns out they are happy with my son being left for short periods of time. I was fully investigated and his dad made so many allegations against me so it dragged on for months. In that time I received letters from the grandparents solicitor telling me to agree to them having more time with my son or I would be taken to court. They already saw him every Friday, Saturday and then sundays when he is with his dad, until he was 9. I changed this to one whole weekend a month and still every sunday with his dad so he could have more time with me and they weren't happy, they have made no secret that they want my son for themselves I replied to the letter saying 'no' to any suggestions made but gave them one weekday between 3.30-7pm every other week as well as the 1 weekend a month as a compromise. This was back in October and Ive heard nothing back.


So fast forward to February and I am struggling, the weight gain is incredible, im depressed to the point of being unable to even get dressed, my course has fallen by the wayside and im in huge danger of being kicked off. I then get another knock at the door from a Dept of Work and Pensions employee wanting to see all my accounts. She wanted details of everything, income, savings, kids savings...everything. This knocked me as family are saying my sons dad probably called them to investigate me and I have had weeks of sleepless nights and now in March, Im petrified of my own shadow. I cant see the light, the depression has clouded it and Im suffering massively with anxiety. The fear I experience when someone knocks on the door is ridiculous. I freeze with fear when I drive by a police car, my neighbours around me are police officers and CID and I feel like they are watching me. This is affecting my life massively. I feel everyone is talking about me and the thought of going to my course to see people I know is debilitating.


My family offer no support, I thought about moving closer to my mum and she said that I can 'think again if you expect me to look after your kids, ive done my time.' She is referring to bring up her 3 children.


So my question;


Do I leave my home, move to another area 30 miles away, take my son out of yr5 7months before SATs(expected to pass to grammar school), be nearer my mum, reduce anxiety and depression as I wont know anyone so the fear of seeing someone I know will be massively reduced, and get a job?


OR


Stay? This is my home ive been in for 5 years, built a life here, I know people, good schools but no jobs. Ive been in this town for 10+yrs so have made many enemies and friends. I don't see my friends, im a recluse and only go out to do the necessities when im up to it or if im visiting another area eople don't know me. I don't want to upset my son and his chances of passing to grammar. The secondary schools are awful here. My DD is starting school in Sept so if im going to, I need to move either in summer or wait until next summer.


I need some guidance please. Im so sorry its a long whinging post, but I just need some help. The thought of being so close to my ex and his family is too much some days. I can honestly say I hate him for what he has done to me and my little family and ive never felt this way about anyone before.

Caroline_a

I had a similar thing happen to me once, and luckily was helped by some great neighbours. The threat of court by your ex inlaws is an empty one - there is no automatic right to access of grandchildren.

Can you not plan to move after the SATS test? that would give you a good focus to work towards, and you can include your son in the planning. As access is for the father, I would stop access to such poisonous people, particularly in light of them trying to get your son to keep secrets from you.

Solicitors letters mean nothing - they are just a letter from someone with a law degree.

tea_lover

I can't really help with whether to move, but just wanted to say have you considered speaking to your GP? It wouldn't be at all surprising if you were depressed with everything you're dealing with, and they could help.

Also, you can always speak to the samaritans if you just need to offload to a friendly ear.

nat21luv

I know in my heart I should stay for my boy, I grew up as a forces child and moved constantly and found it hard to start new schools. I don't want that for him but staying here is affecting my health massively. I don't know what to do for the best, my children have always come first but maybe they shouldn't this time? Is that selfish?

nat21luv

Im on meds from the docs. Ive been on them for 4 weeks and Im still not feeling much better. I know they take a while to kick in. Ive been using CBT methods to control the anxiety but im not sure what I have are irrational fears, this has built up from life experiences.

couponqueen123

granparents have no rights , so let them waste there money ,life can be very touch and it has you hun but look you have shown them your not this bad person , your son loves you so come on dnt give this ex of yours he satisfaction of him doing this to you

get up get washed dressed got to collage and tell them whats happend buckle down get course complet , look for job and find a hobbie to make friends who know u might meet a patner and things will strat to look up

but get out of bed and make it happen come on you can do it hun , open with windows feel the air ,

people have always gossiped and tbh if there talkign about you so be it, tomoros chip paper is a good thought or people in glass houses

pmlindyloo

couponqueen123 wrote: »

granparents have no rights , so let them waste there money ,life can be very touch and it has you hun but look you have shown them your not this bad person , your son loves you so come on dnt give this ex of yours he satisfaction of him doing this to you

get up get washed dressed got to collage and tell them whats happend buckle down get course complet , look for job and find a hobbie to make friends who know u might meet a patner and things will strat to look up

but get out of bed and make it happen come on you can do it hun , open with windows feel the air ,

people have always gossiped and tbh if there talkign about you so be it, tomoros chip paper is a good thought or people in glass houses

Absolutely agree with this.

Lots of sympathy too as you have been through a tough time but think of the positives.

Grandparents have no rights as such.

You have been investigated by social services and they have closed the case. They now have it on record that the alleged complaints are not true. They also will be aware of the people who have made the complaints.

The DWP have investigated and found nought. They have a duty to investigate but that is now done and dusted.

You have nothing to hide. You have come through this with an absolute clean sheet. You have done everything you can to make reasonable arrangements for contact with your son.

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and have no reason to hide from people.

Moving to be near your mum doesn't sound like a particularly good idea as, from what you say, she isn't very supportive.

I can imagine that you want to make a 'fresh start' but you can do that right where you are. When you are feeling 'down' is not the best time to make such life changing decisions.

So, dust yourself down and pick yourself up.

You are a good person, don't let anyone else tell you different.

littlemisssunshinee

Just wanted to send you a big hug.
It's terrible what your son's father has put you through. I think it has just knocked your confidence so much that it has led to you being depressed, rather than furious which is how I feel on your behalf.
As far as I'm aware Grandparents have no rights to have contact with their grandchildren - so their threat of court is an empty one. Do check this but I'm pretty sure this is the case.

I can't tell you whether to stay or move. If by moving you could get out of this feeling of depression, and never see your son's father again I would say go for it, however this won't be the case as you will presumably keep seeing him for contact.

I am glad to hear you hate your ex for what he has done. All the things he has done against you are unfounded so you have no reason to feel bad, guilty or ashamed. I very much doubt people are talking about you and if they knew the full story they would be talking about your ex and what he has done to you.

I know you say you don't see your friends any more - is that because you don't want to talk to them about what has happened? You need to get some perspective on it, and if you have friends you think might understand get back in touch, have them round for a coffee and tell them even just the short version of what has happened. Might be a good start to you not feeling so bad about it. It might also help you make a decision whether to stay or move - if you have some support where you are moving is less appealing. If you do move make sure you have a plan of how you are going to get to know people in the new area as you want to build a life for your family not simply move to get away from the ex.

Well done for posting on here as well though. You will get some support which it sounds like you are badly lacking, and although we won't necessarily help make the decision we can help you feel stronger so you can make the right choice

LMS

BitterAndTwisted

You're feeling anxious and paranoid, probably not because you're unwell but because people in your life have been out to get you. But so far they have failed.

In your shoes I would think about going back to the GP if you feel the meds aren't working. This idea of moving back to your mother's town is very possibly an escape-fantasy. And God knows, you probably need one, but that doesn't mean that it's a really good idea. You've said yourself that you've made friends where you are, and that's pretty precious.

You've been through several nightmarish situations of late and come out the other end whole and safe. And that has taken huge strength. Ponder on that.

Now that your ex and his family have done their worst it's possible that either they can't think of anything else to attack you with or will give it up as a bad job.

Any more letters from the grandparents or their solicitor can safely be ignored. And that's precisely what I would do. Eff 'em!

FBaby

Poor you, my heart went to you reading all this. You've clearly have done so well coping through each crisis, but it has now become too much.

I think what you need more than anything is counselling. You are suffering some sort of PTSD (not to be compared with what soldiers go through, but enough to affect your life). You need support and psychological help. Mainly, you need to rebuild your confidence and gain trust that you have been able to prove that you are a good mum and that is because you ARE a good mum end of. Whatever your ex or his family are putting you through is the reflection of what people they are, not who you are, but you might not be able to see this completely unless you get help from someone.

I would wait for some counselling and being able to assess the situation clearer before you make such a huge decision as to whether you should move. Good luck

PlymouthMaid

I feel so sorry for you as from what you have said you are a good caring mum and also striving to make a better life for your family through education. it sounds to me that all the depression and need for medication is a result of the smear campaign and troubles caused by your ex as you sound incredibly well balanced to me. You are thinking of solutions and seeing it from all angles which is very clear headed.

I understand why moving away sounds like a good option. However there will be stresses with that such as new schools, work etc but also the fact that your children will still need to see their Dad (sorry can't remember if Dad is for both children or just your son) and this could be an expensive and logistical nightmare and mean him/them spending more time actually staying over which I don't think is what you want. It doesn't actually sound like your own Mum is going to be very supportive - does she know what has been going on?

I can also understand how you feel that everybody may be talking about you etc. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't but either way you seem to have done nothing wrong. Maybe talking to some of the neighbours and clearing the air would help as gossip can have a life of its own but truth can sort things out nicely.

Not sure where you live but if your son is grammar school calibre, where you move to will be limited if you want that opportunity for him. I live in one of the few UK cities with grammar schools but don't forget that many comps are equally good (but not all as you know).

Not sure where I am heading with this now but just wanted to post my thoughts and let you know that you are not alone even you feel it sometimes. Take care and don't let them get to you.