I try not to let it affect me but it does

Mojisola

Another thing I noticed was that a lot of other visitors used to take their relative off to their room and all sit in a bit of a pressure-cooker environment - how would you feel if people you felt you didn't know well took you off on your own - it can be quite intimidating and even frightening.

Unless there was something private that needed to be talked about, we always stayed in the sitting room with Dad. That way, the atmosphere was diluted, we could talk to other residents and carers and got to know them very well. If Dad wasn't up to talking, he sometimes just sat and listened to the general conversation.

meritaten

Mojisola wrote: »

Another thing I noticed was that a lot of other visitors used to take their relative off to their room and all sit in a bit of a pressure-cooker environment - how would you feel if people you felt you didn't know well took you off on your own - it can be quite intimidating and even frightening.

Unless there was something private that needed to be talked about, we always stayed in the sitting room with Dad. That way, the atmosphere was diluted, we could talk to other residents and carers and got to know them very well. If Dad wasn't up to talking, he sometimes just sat and listened to the general conversation.

yes, I used to just stay in the day room with Aunt - she didn't like 'strangers' in her bedroom. and that is what I was to her, a stranger. she was quite happy to chat and talk about her 'baby' (she was a spinster, but when she got convinced she had a baby and people were keeping him from her, the staff bought her a Baby Annabel, it was sad really, but it made Aunt happy).
she was also convinced she was in a hotel, on holiday, and loved it there. until she got ill and went into hospital. the deterioration was so fast it was shocking. they 'lost' her baby, she came out dehydrated and lost over a stone and died a few weeks later despite the best efforts of the care home. Still upsets me now two years later.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

oliveoil99 wrote: »

I know what your saying it's hit and miss how she will be, last week we had a laugh and to-day ............ I feel if I don't go she will forget me. My daughter is 32yrs and has always been very close to her nana maybe we should do the visits together that way we can share the bad days.

I'm so sorry - she's going to forget you whether you visit every day or not. She's already forgotten the loss you shared (which in some way might be the kindest part of the disease, I think - as the idea of having to wake up knowing you've lost your child, whatever their age, sounds worse to me.)


Regarding the mean comments, I've thought that people with Alzheimer's remind me of small, slightly suspicious children. They don't have the empathy a child develops later. After all, a four year old might say to someone they aren't familiar with 'you're fat/got a hairy chin' or other such things; so will somebody with Alzheimer's. a child can learn to not say it, but as brain function is deteriorating, the older person isn't going to be able to do so. I also wonder if its partly due to not knowing what else to say - if they can't quite remember things, maybe they're struggling to make conversation and then the inappropriate things come out.


It's hard. And so desperately sad. But even if a toddler's words hurt, you ignore it or 'that's not very nice - oh, look at that bird over there'.

The ex FIL would be told by his mother how glad she was to see him, then a few moments later, she would start telling him about her son, who was coming soon. She cuddled my baby daughter at a wedding, but didnt have a clue that the bride was her granddaughter. She thought my DD was the baby she had been forced to give up for adoption when she had been widowed sixty years previously. My SIL was distraught that she'd been forgotten too - but that loss of memory meant something that had caused her so much pain for so long was gone. She died a few months later, still thinking I had just taken her baby out for a walk so she could have a little rest. So she was the happiest she had been for a long, long time.


It may be that the meanness is the price that has to be paid for her not having to remember something so sad. And maybe that can make it more tolerable for you.

oliveoil99

meritaten wrote: »

I didn't really address how you deal with this emotionally. Its hard hun, I know that. Talking about it helps, talk with your DD, sounds like she is getting upset too. read and learn as much as you can about Dementia or Alzhiemers, what you KNOW is easier to cope with than wondering WHY!
you should also speak to the staff caring for ex-Mil, perhaps phone before you visit to find out what sort of day she is having - and if its not good - DONT VISIT!
if she is having a 'stuck in the past day' perhaps you could take along some photos of happier days - looking at these may be pleasurable for her and she is less inclined to be angry with you (DD could try this too with pics of them both from her childhood?)
if allowed, could you take in some of her favourite 'treats' from years gone by? such as old fashioned sweeties, pastries or cakes? (take some for the staff too and they will love you).
These are things my mum used to do with Nan and later my Aunt.
Finally if she does get agitated or upset with you, just stand up and say cheerfully, 'OK, I will see you later' and leave.

Even though your head knows it the illness talking - your heart is going to wonder if the truth isn't finally coming out. It ISNT!
The disease alters the brain so badly that a whole new personality takes over. it ISNT your MIL talking, its Dementia. and Mrs Dementia is a cruel twisted thing.
came back to say that you may find joining a support group for Alzhiemer or Dementia sufferers/families could be helpful - it does help to discuss things with people who are in a similar situation.

Thank-you some good ideas in your post, we do take recent photos and have albums we look at which she enjoys on good days.

Emmylou_2

There were times when visiting my gran, who had alzheimers, that I would be my mum (who died when I was a teenager). It upset gran to know that her daughter had died, and that I wasn't the baby she thought I was, so I would say that "Emmylou is at home with her Dad" and we'd have a conversation about nothing and everything.

One time I remember, and this still makes me laugh nearly five years later, we were talking about one of gran's neighbours (mum and I moved in with gran when I was 8 so I knew this neighbour too) and laughing about how he would sit watching the TV late at night (back when TV used to end with the national anthem) having had a little too much whisky and we'd hear (through the walls) "God Save The Queen" and then there'd be this *thump...!!!!!!* noise where he'd fell over cos he didn't realise how tiddled he was. Gran couldn't remember this neighbour's name - and all I could say was "I don't know it. He was just Mr X. He didn't have a first name. He was just Mr", and we talked about all the neighbours in the street (I could do first and last names going the other way for about six houses, and over the road, just Mr X was Mr X and nothing else).

Fortunately, my aunt arrived a little later and told us his name was George, cos otherwise I'd've had to have continued on with saying to Gran "I don't know. He was just Mr. Maybe that's what his parents called him too :rotfl: "

Mr_Toad

oliveoil99 wrote: »

I know what your saying it's hit and miss how she will be, last week we had a laugh and to-day ............ I feel if I don't go she will forget me. My daughter is 32yrs and has always been very close to her nana maybe we should do the visits together that way we can share the bad days.

I think you have to be clear on this. She isn't forgetting you, that implies that you can remind her who you are and that she will remember. Or, in your case, if she keeps seeing you she won't forget you. She will.

Her memories aren't slipping away and they can't be put back. The part of her brain that holds these memories is dieing, there's nowhere to put those memories so even if you visit her every day when that part of the brain dies so will the memories and she will no longer recognise you. If you did an MRI scan of her brain you'd see black areas, holes where the brain has died.

When the part of the brain that controls the heart and breathing dies so will the patient. It sounds cold and callous, it isn't meant to but it is the reality.

arbrighton

My grandfather has now been in a home for almost a year after a heart attack and a stroke last year. He is 97 and while is he doing exceptionally well for his age, he is not as sharp as he was, compounded by being fairly deaf and also, with all the love I have, frankly opinionated and bloody minded.
I visit regularly, as does my dad, and my sister when she can get up from London. Some days, nothing is right, he's depressed, the carers are terrible etc etc etc and other days he's grateful to see me and thanks me for the things I have brought. He is definitely not as nice to my dad but, now my sister and I are adults, we have a better relationship with him than we ever had as children (should be neither seen nor heard!).
He is obviously slipping in some ways- his grasp of days and when someone last visited is not good and we often have the same conversation several times within an hour.
It is hard, yes, and often I am in tears when I leave, but the odd moments of clarity and the thank yous make it a little easier. I know that we are not going to have forever with him so it's important to spend time with him now

Slinky

I have no experience of this myself, but have friends where his mother is a sufferer. They found that on some visits she would barely acknowledge they were there and it was really difficult. Over time they have found she is better if they visit in the mornings, after early afternoon it all seems to get a bit much for her.


Do you find you have different experiences at different times of day?