I try not to let it affect me but it does

oliveoil99

Spendless wrote: »

My Grandmother has dementia/psychosis and can play both me and My Mum up - more so my Mum who takes everything she says personally and to heart. I can more shrug it off and accept it is the illness talking (as much as she wears and stresses me out over it all). Though she has never taken to insulting/accussing me she tells professional people that my Mum is just after stealing her money, when she thinks my Mum is out of earshot. I tend to change the subject if I think Nan is 'playing up' too much which so far is working

You describe the lady you are visiting as your children's Grandmother, so it's your MIL or ex MIL as you are divorced or widowed from her son?

You can limit your visits if you are finding them too much, if you prefer not to cut off contact completely. I am guessing with the reference to your daughter not having children yet, that she is an adult and doesn't need to have you with you if she chooses to visit?

Yes it's my ex MIL her son my daughters dad died 9yrs ago and her other son has lived in New Zealand the passed 33yrs, she has brothers and sisters but they are in their 80s and 90s and not in good health so I'm the main loop of contact.

Mr_Toad

oliveoil99 wrote: »

I just couldn't get anything right to-day, she asked where's our Terry her late son who I was married to I usually manage to scoot around the subject as she forgets he died but to-day she wouldn't leave it alone and kept shouting I want him here now why have you stopped him coming. Maybe I should make the visits shorter that might help.

Both my parents had dementia, my father died a month ago and Mum had to finally go into a care home just two weeks before he died.

When speaking to someone with Alzheimers/dementia people often make the very common mistake of answering a question with "You remember, I told you <insert day/time here>" when of course they don't remember!!

I went on a carers course run by the Alzheimers Society and some of the things they advise are a little counter intuitive.

• Don't keep correcting them, it's pointless, they won't remember. Being constantly corrected or told they're wrong causes frustration and anger.
• Tell them what they want to hear it is often the easiest way to distract them.
• Lie, see above.

I would have said Terry is coming later, after work. It would probably have calmed her and of course she wouldn't remember asking the question, let alone the answer. When they repeat themselves they think it's the first time they've asked.


As you say she doesn't remember he's died so telling her would be like the first time and very painful, until she forgets.


I can't visit Mum as it makes her angry. I lived with her as her sole carer for 2 years and all that time she was angry with me and confused. She constantly confused me with Dad.



When she got too much for me and went into the home she became happy, she never mentioned Dad, she used to visit him every day, she never mentioned me either. When I visit she recognises me as her son but within five minutes is calling me by Dad's name and starts to get angry but doesn't know why. I'm told that it's because she thinks I'm Dad but somewhere inside she knows something isn't right and this is what causes the confusion and anger.


As a result I rarely visit, I call them regularly and they tell me she's happy and well settled. When I took her to Dad's funeral she didn't really understand what was going on. She had a cry during the service but when we got back to the care home told them she'd had a lovely day out with Roy, my Dad, and had enjoyed the baby's christening!

Mojisola

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Both my parents had dementia, my father died a month ago and Mum had to finally go into a care home just two weeks before he died.

When speaking to someone with Alzheimers/dementia people often make the very common mistake of answering a question with "You remember, I told you <insert day/time here>" when of course they don't remember!!

I went on a carers course run by the Alzheimers Society and some of the things they advise are a little counter intuitive.

• Don't keep correcting them, it's pointless, they won't remember. Being constantly corrected or told they're wrong causes frustration and anger.
• Tell them what they want to hear it is often the easiest way to distract them.
• Lie, see above.

I would have said Terry is coming later, after work. It would probably have calmed her and of course she wouldn't remember asking the question, let alone the answer. When they repeat themselves they think it's the first time they've asked.

As you say she doesn't remember he's died so telling her would be like the first time and very painful, until she forgets.

Good post, Toad! This is a much kinder way of dealing with dementia patients. I think of not as lying but as 'stepping into their reality'.

I can't visit Mum as it makes her angry. I lived with her as her sole carer for 2 years and all that time she was angry with me and confused. She constantly confused me with Dad.

When she got too much for me and went into the home she became happy, she never mentioned Dad, she used to visit him every day, she never mentioned me either. When I visit she recognises me as her son but within five minutes is calling me by Dad's name and starts to get angry but doesn't know why. I'm told that it's because she thinks I'm Dad but somewhere inside she knows something isn't right and this is what causes the confusion and anger.

As a result I rarely visit, I call them regularly and they tell me she's happy and well settled. When I took her to Dad's funeral she didn't really understand what was going on. She had a cry during the service but when we got back to the care home told them she'd had a lovely day out with Roy, my Dad, and had enjoyed the baby's christening!

There's a nasty technique used by abusers to keep their victims under control which is called gaslighting. I can see a lot of similarities between the effects of this on abuse victims and the results of well-intentioned efforts of people who try to make their relatives remember.

Dementia patients create a reality that explains to them why they live where they do, surrounded by the people who are there. Suddenly into that normality comes another person - who may or may not be familiar to them - who tries to talk to them about this other life as if it was theirs and other people as if they should be known to the patient.

It's not surprising people get confused or upset or angry. If someone arrived at my house this afternoon and started to tell me that I used to live somewhere else and gave me news about people I don't know or remember, I would get confused! If I thought I recognised them and they kept insisting that they weren't that person, it would get even worse.

I found the book "Contented Dementia" very useful when Mum first started to struggle with her memory. The advice at the time was to "make them remember" - I could see how upsetting that was for her and it didn't feel the right way to go. The book explains how a dementia patient sees the world and how to fit in with their world rather than trying to force them back into one they don't remember.

oliveoil99

Mr_Toad wrote: »

Both my parents had dementia, my father died a month ago and Mum had to finally go into a care home just two weeks before he died.

When speaking to someone with Alzheimers/dementia people often make the very common mistake of answering a question with "You remember, I told you <insert day/time here>" when of course they don't remember!!

I went on a carers course run by the Alzheimers Society and some of the things they advise are a little counter intuitive.

• Don't keep correcting them, it's pointless, they won't remember. Being constantly corrected or told they're wrong causes frustration and anger.
• Tell them what they want to hear it is often the easiest way to distract them.
• Lie, see above.

I would have said Terry is coming later, after work. It would probably have calmed her and of course she wouldn't remember asking the question, let alone the answer. When they repeat themselves they think it's the first time they've asked.


As you say she doesn't remember he's died so telling her would be like the first time and very painful, until she forgets.


I can't visit Mum as it makes her angry. I lived with her as her sole carer for 2 years and all that time she was angry with me and confused. She constantly confused me with Dad.



When she got too much for me and went into the home she became happy, she never mentioned Dad, she used to visit him every day, she never mentioned me either. When I visit she recognises me as her son but within five minutes is calling me by Dad's name and starts to get angry but doesn't know why. I'm told that it's because she thinks I'm Dad but somewhere inside she knows something isn't right and this is what causes the confusion and anger.


As a result I rarely visit, I call them regularly and they tell me she's happy and well settled. When I took her to Dad's funeral she didn't really understand what was going on. She had a cry during the service but when we got back to the care home told them she'd had a lovely day out with Roy, my Dad, and had enjoyed the baby's christening!

Yes if she mentions her late son I say he's at work or not feeling to well I learnt very early on not to say he passed away as it was like telling her for the first time every time. We once had a visit and all that was spoken about was my thinning hair I tried to change the subject numerous times even taking a visit to the ladies hoping it had been forgotten to no avail. When I visit her we are in the lounge with the other residents but most seem to be asleep or asking me is it tea time yet?

oliveoil99

Mojisola wrote: »

There's a nasty technique used by abusers to keep their victims under control which is called gaslighting. I can see a lot of similarities between the effects of this on abuse victims and the results of well-intentioned efforts of people who try to make their relatives remember.

Dementia patients create a reality that explains to them why they live where they do, surrounded by the people who are there. Suddenly into that normality comes another person - who may or may not be familiar to them - who tries to talk to them about this other life as if it was theirs and other people as if they should be known to the patient.

It's not surprising people get confused or upset or angry. If someone arrived at my house this afternoon and started to tell me that I used to live somewhere else and gave me news about people I don't know or remember, I would get confused! If I thought I recognised them and they kept insisting that they weren't that person, it would get even worse.

I found the book "Contented Dementia" very useful when Mum first started to struggle with her memory. The advice at the time was to "make them remember" - I could see how upsetting that was for her and it didn't feel the right way to go. The book explains how a dementia patient sees the world and how to fit in with their world rather than trying to force them back into one they don't remember.

I think when it's a good visit and I see some of the person she used to be then the next time someone I don't know at all.

Mojisola

oliveoil99 wrote: »

I think when it's a good visit and I see some of the person she used to be then the next time someone I don't know at all.

Take the hint from her how to behave - if she seems to remember you, talk about people and stuff she might remember.

If she's not having a good day, talk about bland things that mean she can stay in the now.

Mr_Toad

Mojisola wrote: »

I found the book "Contented Dementia" very useful when Mum first started to struggle with her memory. The advice at the time was to "make them remember" - I could see how upsetting that was for her and it didn't feel the right way to go. The book explains how a dementia patient sees the world and how to fit in with their world rather than trying to force them back into one they don't remember.

I've read some of that book myself. One of the other people on the carers course had it and lent it to me.

I think the problem is that current thinking is just that, it goes out of date and quickly.

One of the things said on the carers course has stuck with me and it was that they don't really know what dementia sufferers are thinking or what their thought and logic processes are.

As you say, be guided by them as to how you behave and what you say.

Having lived with someone with dementia I can confirm that there's absolutely no pattern or reason to their behaviour.

My son was visiting once, I was in the kitchen making tea and mum had followed me. She seemed quite lucid and rational when all of a sudden she said "I'll be back in a minute." she went into my son and started raving at him about something or other that made no sense to either of us then came back into the kitchen and carried on as if nothing had happened.

They get obsessed about the oddest things then sometimes never mention them again, other times that obsession will come back another day. One of Mum's was that she thought people were using our wheelie bin.

We live in the middle of nowhere so who's going to walk a mile and half up the drive to use the bin? No amount of explaining helped. In the end I just told her if she saw anyone she should set the dog on them. We don't have a dog.

I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have my life back and can come and go as I please, when I please.

Mojisola

Mr_Toad wrote: »

I'm still struggling to come to terms with the fact that I have my life back and can come and go as I please, when I please.

And relax without wondering what's going on at home and what state they'll be in when you get home!

I've found getting a life back after being a longterm carer to be quite a long process. There are courses for people coming up to retirement to help them with the transition but I've never seen anything to help carers cope with the change and we've been "on duty" 24/7 rather than just working hours.

meritaten

I didn't really address how you deal with this emotionally. Its hard hun, I know that. Talking about it helps, talk with your DD, sounds like she is getting upset too. read and learn as much as you can about Dementia or Alzhiemers, what you KNOW is easier to cope with than wondering WHY!
you should also speak to the staff caring for ex-Mil, perhaps phone before you visit to find out what sort of day she is having - and if its not good - DONT VISIT!
if she is having a 'stuck in the past day' perhaps you could take along some photos of happier days - looking at these may be pleasurable for her and she is less inclined to be angry with you (DD could try this too with pics of them both from her childhood?)
if allowed, could you take in some of her favourite 'treats' from years gone by? such as old fashioned sweeties, pastries or cakes? (take some for the staff too and they will love you).
These are things my mum used to do with Nan and later my Aunt.
Finally if she does get agitated or upset with you, just stand up and say cheerfully, 'OK, I will see you later' and leave.

Even though your head knows it the illness talking - your heart is going to wonder if the truth isn't finally coming out. It ISNT!
The disease alters the brain so badly that a whole new personality takes over. it ISNT your MIL talking, its Dementia. and Mrs Dementia is a cruel twisted thing.
came back to say that you may find joining a support group for Alzhiemer or Dementia sufferers/families could be helpful - it does help to discuss things with people who are in a similar situation.

Mojisola

meritaten wrote: »

if she is having a 'stuck in the past day'

If she's having a day when she doesn't know you, don't push her to recognise you. Talk to her as if she was an elderly lady you don't know. If she wants to tell you stories of the past, listen and enjoy them, even if you know they aren't "true".