I try not to let it affect me but it does

oliveoil99

To-day have been to visit my childrens granma in her nursing home and it was awful she told me to f-off, I'm a waste of space and not to come again and that was the best part of the visit. I understand these episodes are her illness speaking and I should be used to it by now but it seems to be getting to me of late I don't know why. The last time my daughter visited she came away in tears as granma was insulting her hair, clothes and the way she spoke and why hasn't she had any children yet is there something wrong with you? I would never stop visiting her but I'm finding it more and more difficult. I'm sure others on here will of come across this so do you deal with it? Thank-you for reading.

bagpussbear

Sorry to hear this. Perhaps it might be better for you to visit with at least one other person, or a small group of your family or friends? Easier to distract when she starts to direct an insult at one particular person?

oliveoil99

bagpussbear wrote: »

Sorry to hear this. Perhaps it might be better for you to visit with at least one other person, or a small group of your family or friends? Easier to distract when she starts to direct an insult at one particular person?

Thank-you for that advice, as we are a small family we tend to go seperately so she gets more visits, as you say probably safer in numbers.

azzabazza

No easy answer really.

My mother is in a care home and has Alzheimer's. It is a hit or a miss how I find her when I visit. Sometimes she can be very vitriolic and nothing I say will be right. She has always been a strong willed person but her condition has made her 100 times worse. I just grin and bear it.

If my sister and I visit together we find that her 'behaviour' is better.

meritaten

for some reason my grandmother really took against me when her Alzheimers hospitalised her. she physically attacked me, and the nurses advised me not to visit for a while. I tried again a couple of months later and she was the same, a couple of years later and she was even worse. I couldn't visit her for years, and when I could, I wished I hadn't. this little shell of a woman I didn't even recognise.
I was her first grandchild and she loved me very much, I know that!!! my best memories are of when we lived with Nan. Alzhiemers is the cruellest illness, it robs both the sufferer and their family.
I will never know why she seemed to want to kill me............she was lovely to everyone else even when the disease really took over.
I would take advice from the nursing staff - although my nans nurses were really surprised at how much she seemed to hate me, they figured it was because it was the 'reverse' of her former feelings. and she didn't know her daughters anyway and kept asking when her son was going to visit...........he was 'stillborn'.

I know my nan loved me, I know she loved her daughters - but Alzhiemers took that away from her and us.
Its the disease hun - its not you and its NOT HER!

oliveoil99

I just couldn't get anything right to-day, she asked where's our Terry her late son who I was married to I usually manage to scoot around the subject as she forgets he died but to-day she wouldn't leave it alone and kept shouting I want him here now why have you stopped him coming. Maybe I should make the visits shorter that might help.

itsanne

You say you wouldn't stop visiting, but why not? You're coming away upset, your daughter gets upset and it doesn't sound as if visits make her any happier?

That sound harsh, but it's not intended to be harsh towards you. If neither of you is getting anything good out of the visits it would be worth rethinking them and either abandoning them, at least temporarily, or going with someone else. Even for a small family, fewer but less upsetting visits would be better for everyone. I certainly wouldn't be taking the grandchildren.

fin7

I sadly lost my mum to Alzheimer's just two weeks ago.

The visiting wasn't easy, more so nearer the end. What I did find made it easier was to try and encourage her to sit in the lounge, that way I could involve others in the conversation to try and keep it as normal as possible.

Fin

Mojisola

oliveoil99 wrote: »

Thank-you for that advice, as we are a small family we tend to go seperately so she gets more visits, as you say probably safer in numbers.

itsanne wrote: »

You say you wouldn't stop visiting, but why not? You're coming away upset, your daughter gets upset and it doesn't sound as if visits make her any happier?

I agree with itsanne - as well as upsetting you, the visits are upsetting her.

I would keep in regular touch by phone with the home and reduce the visits to when several of you can go together. If she starts to get agitated, don't hang around.

oliveoil99

itsanne wrote: »

You say you wouldn't stop visiting, but why not? You're coming away upset, your daughter gets upset and it doesn't sound as if visits make her any happier?

That sound harsh, but it's not intended to be harsh towards you. If neither of you is getting anything good out of the visits it would be worth rethinking them and either abandoning them, at least temporarily, or going with someone else. Even for a small family, fewer but less upsetting visits would be better for everyone. I certainly wouldn't be taking the grandchildren.

I know what your saying it's hit and miss how she will be, last week we had a laugh and to-day ............ I feel if I don't go she will forget me. My daughter is 32yrs and has always been very close to her nana maybe we should do the visits together that way we can share the bad days.

Spendless

My Grandmother has dementia/psychosis and can play both me and My Mum up - more so my Mum who takes everything she says personally and to heart. I can more shrug it off and accept it is the illness talking (as much as she wears and stresses me out over it all). Though she has never taken to insulting/accussing me she tells professional people that my Mum is just after stealing her money, when she thinks my Mum is out of earshot. I tend to change the subject if I think Nan is 'playing up' too much which so far is working

You describe the lady you are visiting as your children's Grandmother, so it's your MIL or ex MIL as you are divorced or widowed from her son?

You can limit your visits if you are finding them too much, if you prefer not to cut off contact completely. I am guessing with the reference to your daughter not having children yet, that she is an adult and doesn't need to have you with you if she chooses to visit?