Help needed!!

19lottie82

I agree with the others, I wouldn't be buying a house with this man right now.

He needs to get help with his mental health, and if he refuses to you, then if I were you, I'd be seriously considering the future of your relationship.

You need to tell him if he loves you and values your relationship, he needs to get help, as it isn't healthy for either of you, to carry on like this.

okborednow

tootiemac wrote: »

I have tried several times to get him to the doctors, I’ve offered to go with him, I’ve got him 2 forms to switch to mine and after an “event” he always agrees but then he doesn’t go because everything is better again or he doesn’t switch because he doesn’t know the info and will need to ask his mum.
But to be honest he knows I love him but he just doesn’t seem to get that I am not out to hurt him.
He’s always sorry for making such a big deal afterwards and I have stayed for 7 years because on a normal day he’s a really nice person.
But he isn’t the person I first met anymore and life hasn’t been kind to his mental strength.
I will try getting him to a doctors again but I think this will be my last push as its getting to the point now that my own mental strength is failing 
I just worry about what might happen if I leave, he isn’t a stranger to self-harm and in some way this is why I stay because I fear what will happen.

This is classic with depression. Whether they mean to be or not people with depression are extremely manipulative and very good at getting you to do what they want because as they see it it's all about them. My dad used to fly into horrible rages, scream at us, smash things...it was really scary. However because he was depressed and he apologised afterward my mum let him get away with it for more than ten years. In the end unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable behaviour regardless of whether a person is depressed or not. I would echo what others have said...do not move in with him until the situation improves. I think you need to give yourself a few days to recover then arrange to meet up for a talk. Explain that you are not prepared to put up with his behaviour any longer as it is taking too much of a toll and is completely unacceptable. Tell him that the move is off until he has sought help and the situation improves. Stress you do love him and are prepared to support him but not if he refuses to address his issues as this is very unfair to you.

If you don't deal with things now my worry is that you'll end up visiting your doctor for help with depression yourself.

Take care xx

PlymouthMaid

Oh dear what a horrible situation. You obviously love him very much. I agree that you shouldn't join your life to his right now as I can foresee a whole world of pain if his anxiety issues are not dealt with in some way. Already he is preventing you from going on short trips for work. Where will you be one day if you have kids and none of you are allowed out of sight. I think he needs a bit of an ultimatum as in get some counselling or other treatment or you will need to think about the future of yuor relationship.

belfastgirl23

Leaving him aside, what about you? Do you think this is acceptable behaviour? Are you prepared to spend the rest of your life like this?

I understand that he's scared, that's clear from how he's behaving. But you need to decide whether this is how you want your life to be? As long as you keep acting like this is ok, he will keep doing it and he will not seek help (because he's also scared of this).

In your shoes I'd be putting the house purchase on hold, not doing any more viewings and telling him that you are not prepared to go forward with this until he finds a way to figure this out. I appreciate that he may be suffering from an illness of some sort but he is not currently seeking treatment so my sympathy is limited. At the minute, whether because of the illness or not, he thinks that it's appropriate to behave in this way. Until you make it clear that you are not prepared to put up with it, he will serve his fear.

Remember you will never ever win at this game. You give up barcelona, it's a short step to giving up any travelling, to giving up going to work at all, to giving up leaving the house. Fear makes circles smaller and smaller and as soon as you give on one issue another emerges. Having suffered from panic attacks myself I can tell you that for certain. In my case, DH kept insisting that I moved forward despite my fears and I'm grateful to him for it now. If it wasn't for that push I might now be agorophobic. Instead I'm travelling widely

So in summary, you need to figure out what YOU want. Make your limits very clear and then refuse absolutely to discuss them. What he wants is completely unreasonable, by getting into discussion on it you are making it seem rational when it isn't.

Good luck!