Help needed!!

tootiemac

Hi All,

Thanks for all your advice before it did help me realise I just need to face the facts and tell him.

So I told him last night and to say it didn’t go well was an understatement.

We were driving to a house viewing and I wrongly thought if I tell him now he’ll be calmer because he’ll realise I’m driving and need to be paying attention.
Boy was I wrong an argument ensued that lasted 25 minutes and at one point resulted in my stopping and my fianc! getting out and walking away, he did come back after 10 minutes.
His first and most repeated words were “No! you’re not going!” and that all I heard all night in-between shouting about being out to hurt him and how I don’t care about his opinion.

Luckily we still live apart so after the house viewing we returned to his for dinner, I was hoping for a civil conversation but we made dinner in silence we ate in silence and then watched a movie in silence.
When I got up to leave the whole argument started again and I told him I was emotional spent and was going home at which point the argument continued over text message.

I have spoken with him this morning in one word answers and told him I need time but we have 2 house viewings tonight that it is too late to cancel so either we will attend together or I will go on my own as I will not let the people down.

I’m just so lost and tired now I don’t know where I stand or what to do.

Netwizard

Do you really want to live like this? It sounds horrific.

He needs help. Personally, there is no way in hell I would be looking to get a house with him while he is like this. I would call off the search for a house until he agrees to get therapy / help.

Time for some tough love I think, because you can't live like that for much longer

okborednow

Oh dear Tootie...first of all let me offer you a big virtual hug! As someone who grew up with 2 parents who had chronic depression I know how difficult it can be. Unfortunately it's not helping anyone, least of all your partner to give in to his panic. Clearly he has some sort of serious anxiety issue or PTSD as others have said and this is something he needs to get help for. The longer it goes on the more entrenched the behaviour will become and the harder it will be for him to get over it.

In terms of his GP being a bit crap is there another doctor at the surgery he could see? Or alternatively what's your practice like, could he transfer there? There are around 12 doctors at my practice some who are great with these issues and others less so. Also this "being labelled" idea is something that drives me mad - there is nothing to be ashamed of in having depression, anxiety etc especially after a trauma like the accident. After all he wouldn't say "I don't want to be labelled as a car crash victim" or a norovirus sufferer or as someone with diabetes...you get the idea. No one is looking and judging because a problem is mental not physical and there is a huge amount of help available out there. I really hope he will go and get some.

Til that point i'm afraid you just have to stay strong. You have to go on this trip regardless firstly for your career and second because you'd be on a slippery slope with him if you gave in. I say get the house viewing out of the way then go home alone, turn off your mobile and have a nice early night with a good book. Once you're more rested things will seem easier to deal with.

Hugs again!

C x

CH27

Firstly I would buy a house will him in this state.
He now wants to control you & that isn't healthy.

tootiemac

okborednow wrote: »

Oh dear Tootie...first of all let me offer you a big virtual hug! As someone who grew up with 2 parents who had chronic depression I know how difficult it can be. Unfortunately it's not helping anyone, least of all your partner to give in to his panic. Clearly he has some sort of serious anxiety issue or PTSD as others have said and this is something he needs to get help for. The longer it goes on the more entrenched the behaviour will become and the harder it will be for him to get over it.

In terms of his GP being a bit crap is there another doctor at the surgery he could see? Or alternatively what's your practice like, could he transfer there? There are around 12 doctors at my practice some who are great with these issues and others less so. Also this "being labelled" idea is something that drives me mad - there is nothing to be ashamed of in having depression, anxiety etc especially after a trauma like the accident. After all he wouldn't say "I don't want to be labelled as a car crash victim" or a norovirus sufferer or as someone with diabetes...you get the idea. No one is looking and judging because a problem is mental not physical and there is a huge amount of help available out there. I really hope he will go and get some.

Til that point i'm afraid you just have to stay strong. You have to go on this trip regardless firstly for your career and second because you'd be on a slippery slope with him if you gave in. I say get the house viewing out of the way then go home alone, turn off your mobile and have a nice early night with a good book. Once you're more rested things will seem easier to deal with.

Hugs again!

C x

I have tried several times to get him to the doctors, I’ve offered to go with him, I’ve got him 2 forms to switch to mine and after an “event” he always agrees but then he doesn’t go because everything is better again or he doesn’t switch because he doesn’t know the info and will need to ask his mum.
But to be honest he knows I love him but he just doesn’t seem to get that I am not out to hurt him.
He’s always sorry for making such a big deal afterwards and I have stayed for 7 years because on a normal day he’s a really nice person.
But he isn’t the person I first met anymore and life hasn’t been kind to his mental strength.
I will try getting him to a doctors again but I think this will be my last push as its getting to the point now that my own mental strength is failing 
I just worry about what might happen if I leave, he isn’t a stranger to self-harm and in some way this is why I stay because I fear what will happen.

jackomdj

tootiemac wrote: »

I have tried several times to get him to the doctors, I’ve offered to go with him, I’ve got him 2 forms to switch to mine and after an “event” he always agrees but then he doesn’t go because everything is better again or he doesn’t switch because he doesn’t know the info and will need to ask his mum.
But to be honest he knows I love him but he just doesn’t seem to get that I am not out to hurt him.
He’s always sorry for making such a big deal afterwards and I have stayed for 7 years because on a normal day he’s a really nice person.
But he isn’t the person I first met anymore and life hasn’t been kind to his mental strength.
I will try getting him to a doctors again but I think this will be my last push as its getting to the point now that my own mental strength is failing 
I just worry about what might happen if I leave, he isn’t a stranger to self-harm and in some way this is why I stay because I fear what will happen.

Your last sentence worried me. Do not buy a house and stay with someone because you are worried about what they may do. IMO now is not the time to buy a house, if you must move in together rent, life if for living not to be tied to somebody because they won't let you enjoy yourself.

Errata

I just worry about what might happen if I leave, he isn’t a stranger to self-harm and in some way this is why I stay because I fear what will happen.

In that case whether you're around or not has no impact on the way he behaves. You can't live your life being his protector from self harm, it hasn't happened in the past and it won't happen in the future. Your relationship seems quite toxic, which is not good for either of you.

Counting_Pennies_2

He needs help now, you don't need to go to the doctors, you can refer yourselves to a counsellor privately. It will cost per session, but I think it is urgently needed, and if you wait for the GP to refer for the tiny amount of 6 sessions you get on the NHS that is barely a sticking plaster


I have put a link here for the BACP the official body of registered counsellors to help you find someone locally
http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/


The counsellor can help identify what is wrong and advise what to see the doctor about etc.


What is in the head is equally important as the outside of the body, if not more so. Even if a doctor does say it is all in the head, help is still required. If the doctor is not the right one, then I suggest asking to see another doctor, even changing practices.


In terms of the immediate issue of you going away. How about he travel with you. Is it possible to do a cheap Easyjet flight out and he stay in the hotel room. If he is up to it he could sight see while you are working and spend time together in the evening.

tootiemac

Counting_Pennies wrote: »

He needs help now, you don't need to go to the doctors, you can refer yourselves to a counsellor privately. It will cost per session, but I think it is urgently needed, and if you wait for the GP to refer for the tiny amount of 6 sessions you get on the NHS that is barely a sticking plaster


I have put a link here for the BACP the official body of registered counsellors to help you find someone locally
http://www.itsgoodtotalk.org.uk/therapists/


The counsellor can help identify what is wrong and advise what to see the doctor about etc.


What is in the head is equally important as the outside of the body, if not more so. Even if a doctor does say it is all in the head, help is still required. If the doctor is not the right one, then I suggest asking to see another doctor, even changing practices.


In terms of the immediate issue of you going away. How about he travel with you. Is it possible to do a cheap Easyjet flight out and he stay in the hotel room. If he is up to it he could sight see while you are working and spend time together in the evening.

thank you for the link i will look into it straight away.

i could get him out there but we wouldn't be able to spend much time together at all its a business trip for a team meeting of 38 people i doubt there will be much free time.
i think even dinners are pre-planned.

Bennifred

Dear tootiemac - you sound like a truly lovely person!

I really hope that you can see that it is not in your OR your OH's best interest to buy a place together unless he agrees to get help with his issues. If you just carry on down that road, he won't get any better and could get worse. I'm sure you don't want that.

Are his parents aware of just how severe his problems are? I think they could be a support to him, and I don't think there's anything wrong with you telling them if he hasn't.

Please don't pander to his need to control you, whatever you fear he may/may not do. His actions are NOT your responsibility, though I understand your fears (one of my sons has been through something similar with an ex, and I truly feared for his own mental health at the time).

You are both far too young to be coping with this on your own - you have a long life ahead and it could be improved so much with the right help! Good luck to you both.