Help needed!!

tootiemac

Hi all looking for some advice on how to handle this situation.

My partner and I have been together 7 years and like all we've had some ups and downs but we have made it through.
We are both 25 and on the search for our first house which is pretty stressful.
But really my issue is the recent news that I am required to go on a business trip to Barcelona for 3.5 days.
I'm really excited about this but I can feel an uphill battle coming when I tell him.

My partner suffers with depression and although we're in a good patch with it he does not deal well with change and my travelling even a short distance really frightens him let alone all the way to barca.

I can tell it's not going to go down well from previous experience and the last time I was only away to London for 12 hours.

It all started 6 yrs ago when we were in a car crash and now he thinks if he's not close by something might happen and he'll be unable to help.

As an example of his anxiety I went to my Xmas party night and he took me then left but very quickly I realised he'd had to return and park outside the hotel due to his issues.

I just want him to understand and support my choice which I think he does in some way but I know that this trip will not sit well with him. I am pretty sure he'll have a major breakdown.

No1 else seems to understand the depth of his problems and so when I tell them that I will need some time to arrange things they just dismiss the issue.

Am I being to accommodating ? Should he just accept the things I need to do for work?

I don't want to damage the progress he has made but I need to go on this trip, if I am the only one not to go it will be noticed.

Any advice welcome thanks!

mountainofdebt

Has been officially told he has depression? The only reason I'm asking is that it sounds as if its some sort of PTSD, especially if it only started after your car crash.

Has he ever sought any counselling for his behaviour - and I mean that in a nice way not an accusing one.

tootiemac

Nope not officially confirmed as depression, I think he's afraid it will label him and go on some sort of record that could affect things in the future such as jobs.

It might be PTSD he didn't have a very nice upbringing his dad was very abusive.

I just want to help him

He's soo afraid I'm going to leave him.

Gingernutty

tootiemac wrote: »

Nope not officially confirmed as depression, I think he's afraid it will label him and go on some sort of record that could affect things in the future such as jobs.

It might be PTSD he didn't have a very nice upbringing his dad was very abusive.

I just want to help him

He's soo afraid I'm going to leave him.

He needs a diagnosis, he needs therapy. Sooner rather that later.

Pandering to one such as him will only make a bad situation worse. He'll become more possessive, more anxious and more controlling.

How is he holding down a job?

MrsAtobe

tootiemac wrote: »

Hi all looking for some advice on how to handle this situation.

My partner and I have been together 7 years and like all we've had some ups and downs but we have made it through.
We are both 25 and on the search for our first house which is pretty stressful.
But really my issue is the recent news that I am required to go on a business trip to Barcelona for 3.5 days.
I'm really excited about this but I can feel an uphill battle coming when I tell him.

My partner suffers with depression and although we're in a good patch with it he does not deal well with change and my travelling even a short distance really frightens him let alone all the way to barca.

I can tell it's not going to go down well from previous experience and the last time I was only away to London for 12 hours.

It all started 6 yrs ago when we were in a car crash and now he thinks if he's not close by something might happen and he'll be unable to help.

As an example of his anxiety I went to my Xmas party night and he took me then left but very quickly I realised he'd had to return and park outside the hotel due to his issues.

I just want him to understand and support my choice which I think he does in some way but I know that this trip will not sit well with him. I am pretty sure he'll have a major breakdown.

No1 else seems to understand the depth of his problems and so when I tell them that I will need some time to arrange things they just dismiss the issue.

Am I being to accommodating ? Should he just accept the things I need to do for work?

I don't want to damage the progress he has made but I need to go on this trip, if I am the only one not to go it will be noticed.

Any advice welcome thanks!

I would suggest that he needs to go and see his GP if things are this bad for him. Yes, you should be able to go away for four days without him having a major breakdown. Are you being too accommodating? Not necessarily, but I think your partner needs professional help to overcome his fears.

marisco_2

My first thought is that he could be suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder. This can occur in response to exposure to a very traumatic event such as an accident where you experience the threat of harm to yourself and someone close to you. It is a potentially severe and long-term health problem, that can hamper a persons ability to live their life to the full, and effects the lives of those closest to them. People experiencing it can feel anxious for years after the trauma, whether or not they suffered a physical injury as well.

It comes across very clearly how much your partner means to you and that you wish to support him through this. Firstly though he has to face up to and accept that he has a problem that needs to be resolved. Then the next step has to come from him in seeking out appropriate professional help. I hope he would be open to this idea when you discuss this with him.

tootiemac

I think he knows this I think it just scares him that he will b labelled.
He is perfectly functioning at any other time, he accepts that work is a must and isn't bothered by my working or his working.

It just appears to b the threat of being unable to be close enough to "save" me should anything happen.

ViolaLass

Being 'labelled' can be good if it leads to the appropriate help being offered.

Hermia

tootiemac wrote: »

I think he knows this I think it just scares him that he will b labelled.
He is perfectly functioning at any other time, he accepts that work is a must and isn't bothered by my working or his working.

I can understand him being worried about being labelled, but he needs to get some help. He cannot go through life like this, nor can you. You can't face him having a breakdown everytime you get an opportunity. And what if you suddenly had to travel at short notice (e.g if a family member fell ill).

Errata

If you want to support him make it very clear that you can't until he accepts he needs professional help and seeks it out. His GP should be his first port of call; he can be referred for counselling which won't 'label' him and a great many people need and seek professional help after a traumatic event like a car crash.
The alternative is that you live the rest of your life being dictated to about what you can and can't do. Does that appeal to you?

tootiemac

i am pretty sure he knows he needs help i think its just the first step that really frightens him.
Plus his doctor isnt the best, he's been a few times about headaches and they told him "it's all in your head there's nothing wrong" and i was there to experience both the headaches and their response.

He doesn't get to dictate what i do i sometimes just have to compromise on certain things but as i say its is getting less.

i will raise this whole thing with him tomorrow when i next see him and we will go from there.

i just want him to be ok, if he is ok i know we will make it through.