Does fair always have to mean equal?

hazyjo

Difficult one. As others have said, if it's fair to you, then call it fair.

My mum is adamant that if something gets given to one, it gets given to both. My mum has been extremely generous and I know I get FAR more than most. What she fails to put into the equation is all she spends and does for my sister's three kids (two at 14 (twins) and 18). The eldest got a car off my mum (KA 10 reg when he was 17 - she told me he was contributing around £4k from an insurance payout, but he told me she didn't ask for it and he certainly wasn't expecting to pay it back), his 3 year stage school fees, my nieces get tonnes of stuff bought for them (clothes, shoes, costumes/kit, tutoring, various clubs/fees, the list goes on). And that's not counting all my mum does for my sister (some ironing/washing, picking kids up from here there and everywhere at all times of the day) - often round her house up to four times a day. It's like they have two mums.

I don't expect all of that in payment to me, that would be impossible to put a value on, and I don't begrudge the kids anything. I think my biggest bugbear is that my sister expects/takes it. I seem to be the one who does it alone, yet my sister always seems to expect a helping hand and lives outside of her means (IMO). Everyone wants the best for their kids, but if she was the one putting her hand in her pocket, things would be very different. I would want my mum to help if they were going without, but I think they probably could afford it if they went without some stuff and if her OH wasn't boozing most days. I think it's made them very spoilt. The girls have no value of money. The eldest works at weekends, etc - but only because he wants a pile of money and to maintain the lifestyle he's become used to (he will openly admit that). We all call him a snob and he seems to take that as a compliment and looks down his nose at his dad.

Mum's already said something along the lines of 'when I go, it'll all be split equally between you, your sister and the kids.' Fair? Not in my eyes. What if I have triplets in my 50s? Or adopt? Or 'inherit' kids (my friend's already talking about me having them if anything happened to her). Never say never. I try not to really think about it cos my mum will probably outlive me anyway (certainly don't want her going anywhere any time soon, especially after losing my dad 18 months ago).

She recently gave me some money to get my floor tiles done (she really has been more than generous already! I am in no way complaining, expecting more or think I'm hard done by!) and she said she'd have to give my sister the same amount 'to be fair'. What can you say?! I think in her mind she sees it that there's five of us now rather than two. I wish she'd spend some of that money she spends on the kids/us on herself! Mind you, she hates holidays, hates drinking, barely eats, the house is lovely, I suppose there's not much left to indulge in...

I hope I don't sound ungrateful. Sometimes it's hard to express things on here...

(Also sorry for hogging the thread - didn't mean to make it about me.)

OP, I too would say it's fair in your shoes. Would definitely say the same as you and not begrudge family anything - but then you also question things in your own life and wonder if you might have done things differently...

Jx

pollypenny

It's just a coincidence that OP and her brother are looking to buy a house at the same time. We helped our two with deposits and first cars. However, the money involved was different, because of the time lapse and the areas.

DD has probably had more financial help as she is here, but DS has had help in other ways.

Kayalana99

hazyjo wrote: »

Mum's already said something along the lines of 'when I go, it'll all be split equally between you, your sister and the kids.' Fair? Not in my eyes. What if I have triplets in my 50s? Or adopt? Or 'inherit' kids (my friend's already talking about me having them if anything happened to her). Never say never. I try not to really think about it cos my mum will probably outlive me anyway (certainly don't want her going anywhere any time soon, especially after losing my dad 18 months ago).

Personally I would work it on a spilt between my children so that they can then give their children something if they want to (or perhaps a small token towards the grand kids if wanted to be included) but whenever I think of it this way its always young children.

That said - I can see why your Mum would want to divide her assets between all 5 of you - and as they are now adults its kind of hard to say that they are 'beneath' you as they were as children.

Just putting this out their - this is something you might personally feel, but it is not right to bring this up with her - her inheritance is her choice to give away and you shouldn't make her feel bad for wanting to leave a big part to the grand kids - sounds like shes really kind hearted and just wants whats best for the people closet to her

hazyjo

Kayalana99 wrote: »

Personally I would work it on a spilt between my children so that they can then give their children something if they want to (or perhaps a small token towards the grand kids if wanted to be included) but whenever I think of it this way its always young children.

That said - I can see why your Mum would want to divide her assets between all 5 of you - and as they are now adults its kind of hard to say that they are 'beneath' you as they were as children.

Just putting this out their - this is something you might personally feel, but it is not right to bring this up with her - her inheritance is her choice to give away and you shouldn't make her feel bad for wanting to leave a big part to the grand kids - sounds like shes really kind hearted and just wants whats best for the people closet to her

Wouldn't dream of ever saying anything. Her dosh, her decision

What if I did go on to have triplets though!

Jx

hazyjo

PS that conversation was at least 5 years ago - the kids were much younger then.

[Deleted User]

we give our 3 varying amounts depending on what need we spot. None of them ever ask us for anything but one had a £2 car, one £5k for something to do with his new house, one £12 as they needed a car and their new house was absolutely freezing. I will never even that up as needs must at the time. Dh and I have the money and will spend as needed, whether on them, on grandchildren or on us. None of them know that the others had anything

re our wills, well at the moment it is all evenly divided but we may well change our minds as one of them hardly gets in touch. We will see as time goes on, nothing is set in stone. Our money and our choice

Bennifred

kittie wrote: »

................................None of them know that the others had anything..........................

I wouldn't be too sure about that!:cool: And although I agree that your money is yours to do with what you will, I do think your approach may lead to resentments between the siblings, and its effectiveness depends on you "spotting" the need.

Emmylou_2

Equality doesn't mean justice...

DigForVictory

Fair and equal are two different (& very emotive) words.

Your parents are aware they are not being fair, but you're OK with it.
Good for you.
(If you want to rebalance things after their deaths, that would be your call - but let them nudge the scales to make them happy this year, hm?)

That said, I personally could cope better with us children being left nothing but hugs if our parents had blown every last tuppenny on having a superb time, loving every minute of their lives together. There's an inheritance I'd prefer to bickering & spite which is alas what I can see gradually banking.

May you carry on, happy with what you have & may the unfairness never upset you!

Vicky123

I would be happy with nothing as it's parents money to spend, but different amounts for different children just feels wrong as no one knows who is going to be most in need further down the line.
Depends on individual families I suppose but I know too many who play favourites, always justified;)