Does fair always have to mean equal?

ky822000

I agree with the OP in her feelings about the situation but I also understand where the parents may be feeling this may not be fair.

I am assuming (yes, I know!) from the OP's username that you are female?? If so, is there a probability that you would like to (eventually) inherit the family jewellery? While I am certain you would not want to sell such sentimental items as there is such comfort within them would your parents feel that this would be a 'fair' and 'equal' compromise for the cash given to your brother at this time?

Kynthia

Me and my siblings have received different support from my parents over the years, financial and non-financial. They are very conscious about being fair and equal and do their best to keep us all informed so that there's no hint of secrecy or unfairness. One of us has needed more support because of the hands that life has dealt them and I'm fine with that as I'm sure that if I was in the same situation I would be treated the same as my sibling, which feels fair to me. Plus the additional support isn't needed because of laziness, greed or other negative activity by that sibling, which does make a difference. If one sibling needs and gets additional support purely because of their own actions continuously I could imagine that feeling of fairness wouldn't last.

LittleMrsThrifty

Thanks again for the really interesting comments.

I should have added that the reason I have more savings isn't because I have been more careful with money. A few years ago I was made redundant but, by a stroke of luck, landed a better paying job which I loved straight away. So, once I'd bought some more-generous-than-normal Christmas presents, my pay-off went in to savings.

If my parents want to change their will then that is up to them, but I am trying to make clear that I neither expect nor want them to. It is a good point about jewellery and other inherited items. I'll be honest and say it's not a conversation we have had but perhaps we should.

I am really interested in everything you've all said. It's something I have often wondered about. Because I don't have children I don't have the perspective of being a parent but if I do in the future I hope I would treat my children fairly (if not always equally) - and that they would understand that.

poet123

As parent I would applaud your perspective, but as the mother of four I would worry that later the issue may become more blurred. No one knows what is around the corner. Your brother struggles now but what if he won the lottery tomorrow? What if he married into money, what if you had a real need for a sum of money to send a sick child abroad for treatment? All unlikely scenarios, but still not beyond the bounds of possibility.

As parent I would much rather the monetary scales weighed equally from me than not. We can't always fund the equality at the time (we can't do this either) but we can take note of what has been given and take steps to equalise it.

As a parent I would rather know that I had been seen to be fair by giving equally. I guess that is where your parents are coming from.

Bennifred

lostinrates wrote: »

I think it still evens out. The 'child' who is less greedy still ends up with more. Not everything can be measured in financial terms. Would you swap to have the same personal attributes and more money or your own lack of greed and less inheritance or stud from your parents in this scenario?

Oh absolutely! (It wasn't me in the scenario I'm thinking of, by the way) But I still see that the sibling who received far less because they never asked or made it known they were in need might feel hurt by their parents' actions.
As a parent I strive to be seen to be fair to my offspring, and it baffles me when I see what appears to be overt favouritism on the part of others.

maman

LittleMrsThrifty wrote: »

Thanks again for the really interesting comments.

I should have added that the reason I have more savings isn't because I have been more careful with money. A few years ago I was made redundant but, by a stroke of luck, landed a better paying job which I loved straight away. So, once I'd bought some more-generous-than-normal Christmas presents, my pay-off went in to savings.

If my parents want to change their will then that is up to them, but I am trying to make clear that I neither expect nor want them to. It is a good point about jewellery and other inherited items. I'll be honest and say it's not a conversation we have had but perhaps we should.

I am really interested in everything you've all said. It's something I have often wondered about. Because I don't have children I don't have the perspective of being a parent but if I do in the future I hope I would treat my children fairly (if not always equally) - and that they would understand that.

I disagree, you could have easily blown the pay-out money so you have been more careful. What I think you mean is that your sibling didn't have the same opportunity to save.


I remember my SIL describing DH and I as 'lucky' because we had our own home, no debts, holidays etc etc. I bit my tongue but could easily have pointed out that we'd made wiser/different choices from her (i.e. had two children instead of four, both worked full time, both studied hard to improve qualifications, been satisfied with a simple house rather than chasing an 'executive home'....). As I said in an earlier post some of DH's siblings made themselves more needy. I think my MIL liked to be needed so treated them differently.


You're probably sensing a hint of bitterness. You'd be right.

Mojisola

Bennifred wrote: »

Oh absolutely! (It wasn't me in the scenario I'm thinking of, by the way) But I still see that the sibling who received far less because they never asked or made it known they were in need might feel hurt by their parents' actions.

As a parent I strive to be seen to be fair to my offspring, and it baffles me when I see what appears to be overt favouritism on the part of others.

Me too. I know of a couple of siblings whose parents have always given one more of everything - time, attention and money. It can be very blatant - one wasn't helped at all with uni costs; the other was allowed to live rent-free in a house the parents bought in the uni town. As often happens, the one who has been given everything is never there to help out if the parents now need anything.

Kynthia

maman wrote: »

I remember my SIL describing DH and I as 'lucky' because we had our own home, no debts, holidays etc etc. I bit my tongue but could easily have pointed out that we'd made wiser/different choices from her (i.e. had two children instead of four, both worked full time, both studied hard to improve qualifications, been satisfied with a simple house rather than chasing an 'executive home'....). As I said in an earlier post some of DH's siblings made themselves more needy.

I agree as I don't think it's a coincidence that the harder I work the 'luckier' I get. :rotfl: Some people at work think I was in the right place at the right time, but they don't see the hard work, the networking, the volunteering for working groups, the additional skills I gained, the home study I did, that all got me to that right place.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

Me too. I know of a couple of siblings whose parents have always given one more of everything - time, attention and money. It can be very blatant - one wasn't helped at all with uni costs; the other was allowed to live rent-free in a house the parents bought in the uni town. As often happens, the one who has been given everything is never there to help out if the parents now need anything.

I think we all know of such situations. In dh's family its his little sister, in mine there are certainly different standards and expectations for sibling and I.

I cannot say its never been hurtful, but I can say on balance I think those are valuable experiences and emotions to have felt and have lead ultimately to positive thought processes for me and for DH too.

Person_one

Kynthia wrote: »

I agree as I don't think it's a coincidence that the harder I work the 'luckier' I get. :rotfl: Some people at work think I was in the right place at the right time, but they don't see the hard work, the networking, the volunteering for working groups, the additional skills I gained, the home study I did, that all got me to that right place.

Don't be too quick to discount the effects of luck, you wouldn't if you'd been unlucky!