Does fair always have to mean equal?

LittleMrsThrifty

I would be interested in any thoughts on this (whether you agree with me or not).

I have one brother and currently neither of us own a house. My parents have, very kindly, given us both some money towards a deposit. Not mega bucks, but enough to help toward a deposit.

For various reasons I have more money in savings than my brother does, and I also earn more. He is struggling to find anywhere he can afford to buy and so my parents have offered him a little bit more money to help him out. However, they can't then afford to give me the same and are worrying about the lack of equality so they have said that, if it is okay with me, they will amend their will so that it evens out when the time comes.

I have told my parents that I have absolutely no objection to them giving him extra and that I really don't want them to have to amend their will (which has only recently been written) to reflect it. When the time comes (hopefully not for a long time) that both my parents have passed away I will not be worried about it. And besides, each of us have had different support from our parents over the past few years (education, wedding, free board, etc) and there are bound to be differences in years to come too, it's just the way life goes.

What I tried to say to them was that just because the amount they are giving each of us is not exactly equal, it does still feel fair. I'd be interested to know what others think - and any advice on convincing my family that they shouldn't worry about this, because I am fully supportive.

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

Question. You think it is fair, then fair it is.

Your parents are strong enough to support you both, though by differing means, now, and in the future, and in the past. They are doing so in a way, that will allow you both to grow and mature to the same level, hopefully. As long as you do not allow a wedge to be drawn between you, then it is no bother at all. I think you will do this.

Kayalana99

On one hand, your seeing yourself as the bigger person by allowing your parents to give more money to your brother because he needs it more. I don't think that's fair to be honest - I think that IS big of you in the sense that most children would feel resentment that they are not treated equally.

To me fair is equal - if one child saves and the other spends so parents give more to the 2nd because they need it to get by....the first is losing out because their saved money could of been spent enjoying themselves as well...

IMO, I agree that being the saver, and my sister being the spender that if she needs money to get out of debt etc I wouldn't expect my parents to give me the same amount.

Would I be resentful? No, I would be glad they were helping her when she needed it. Is it fair? No I don't think it is.

Hopefully that makes sense ( I was the one who paid the debt off with my savings as she didn't want to tell the rents but hey ho. )

BitterAndTwisted

No, fair does not always have to mean equal.

My mother supported my youngest sister in ways that she didn't support us other two in cash-terms and in time. No-one counted and no-one cared. All that mattered was that all three of us were loved and cared about, and that had nothing to do with money.

Person_one

As you say yourself, support comes in lots of different forms. This money is for a practical purpose, they want to see you both in homes that you own, in order for that to happen they need to give your brother a bit more this time, but I bet there have been times when you've had a bit more from them, whether its time or money or emotional support.

If it were just a case of them randomly handing out cash, and deciding to give him more for no apparent reason, it would be different, but I think you've got the right approach here.

I'd tell your parents you are happy for them to help him out more here and now, and you don't want them to change their will because you don't want to have to think and talk about this at a difficult and sad time after they're gone.

lostinrates

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

No, fair does not always have to mean equal.

My mother supported my youngest sister in ways that she didn't support us other two in cash-terms and in time. No-one counted and no-one cared. All that mattered was that all three of us were loved and cared about, and that had nothing to do with money.

This is how I feel too.

Personally I hope my parents have nothing to leave and spend it all. When its been discussed, and its discussed openly, I suggest its left top my sibling whose need is greater.

Equal? No, fair, IMO yes. If it were equal our need would be the same.

How awful it is to be in the position of needing more for whatever reason, and how callous to be the person who bleated against it, when that money is not a right or hard worked for but a sad compensation for the hard work or sacrifice of others'.

maman

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth wrote: »

Question. You think it is fair, then fair it is.

Your parents are strong enough to support you both, though by differing means, now, and in the future, and in the past. They are doing so in a way, that will allow you both to grow and mature to the same level, hopefully. As long as you do not allow a wedge to be drawn between you, then it is no bother at all. I think you will do this.

I agree with this but it's not always the way.


My MIL definitely treated her children differently. It seemed the more needy ones (needy through their own fault IMO) got a lot more in terms of time, money, attention etc. all through their lives. My DH and two of his siblings were definitely treated differently. I persuaded him that she was really proud of him that he'd done well and didn't need her help. It meant he did spend time with his mum and did all he could for her but it can get cold and lonely on the moral high ground!


I'd suggest OP tells her parents that they should just go ahead now and lend to her brother and maybe she'll need their support some other way in the future. If sorting the will makes them happy then let them.

Georgiegirl256

I totally agree with you OP. But bless your parents for trying to do what they think is right by you both, and bless them for helping you both out in the first place.

Fair doesn't always have to mean equal, and your parents have always seen both of you right, and that to me is what's fair. One of you might have got given more money than the other, but it was dependant on circumstances, what is right is that they treated you both the same.

peachyprice

I agree with you too OP, fair doesn't have to be equal and it would be a very petty minded child that would expect it to be.

At this moment in time you need less than your brother, that's not to say you might not need a little extra at some point when he doesn't. Your parents shouldn't feel obliged to give to one just because they have given to the other. Over the course of your/their lifetime it would probably equal out anyway. And if it doesn't? So what, you will both have had the appropriate help at the time you needed it.

LittleMrsThrifty

Thank you for all the replies. I am really interested to hear views on this. My view is very much that you can treat others fairly without treating them equally - even when it comes to your children. My parents may not be treating us both equally but if we all feel that it is fair then that's all that matters.

There have been times when we have received different support from our parents - for example an additional year at university or time spent living with them paying little or no rent. Noone argued that was unfair just because it wasn't equal.

My parents are clearly trying to do the right thing by both of us which I really admire, but in their eyes if it isn't equal it isn't fair. I will try to reassure them that we're not children dividing a packet of sweets - they can be fair to both of us without giving us equal amounts.

HPoirot

I agree, fair is not equal in terms of money.

FWIW any parent wishes to give their offspring a good start in life and see them well settled where possible - that is fair. That all children will not have the same lives or career interests or life situations, is a fact of life. Your parents seem to be doing what they can to see you each settled in a property, and that is totally fair and laudable.