Would you speak to the school?

balletshoes

I think I'd probably go in and speak to the teacher (phone the school first and sort out a suitable time). That way you can talk face to face with her, might save any possible misunderstandings about this.

sarahkmv

Firstly, I think you sound like a great parent! I'm a TA in a primary school and we have kids like Y whose health issues sadly become an excuse for appaling behaviour. We sadly have a few lonely kids (either due to health or social issues) and whilst we encourage them to interact we don't "force" friendships, that's totally wrong (IMHO). We have had a "buddy" system for a partially sighted boy so two children play with him every day, but it changes daily to ensure everyone plays with him.

Maybe suggest something like this to the teacher when you meet? I think you need to raise it, at least it should settle your mind. Hope it works out for you.

FBaby

You clearly want your daughter to grow to be confident and I think this is the best gift you can give her. My position would be to see how things evolve so that you can allow your daughter to manage the situation herself and intervene only if you feel that she is becoming unhappy with the situation.

In essence, there is nothing wrong to encourage a friendship. Sometimes other can see a common ground that could bring people closer that they don't immediately see themselves. What would be wrong is if your daughter express the need for independence from the child and this is prevented.

I understand the worry of your child possibly becoming badly influenced by the other child who seem to be brought up with different values. My experience from my children who are naturally confident is that the opposite trend seem to occur.

Do keep a close eye on how your daughter deal with the situation. Encourage her to open up, to yourself and to her teacher but I think it is too premature to act at this stage.

Billie-S

Hmmmmmmmm, not sure about this OP. I think the teacher probably means no harm, but I do think that nobody should be forced to do something they don't want to do. What does your daughter think about it?

This reminds me (a bit) of when I was at Church the other week, and one of the women there (about 65) was chatting to me. She has been going to Church about 20 years and is VERY religious.

Well, she said to me a few months back when I wasn't working 'you don't work do you?' I said 'not at the moment no,' and she said 'Good, you will have plenty of time free then! There's this girl not far from you, - Cathy - and she is a single mother. her husband left her a few months ago, and she is very lonely. She has 2 kids aged 6 and 8 and she doesn't work. You're similar ages, and I think she will appreciate the company if you go see her.'

I said 'has she said she wants company and visitors?' And she said 'no but I know she does: she is very lonely. I will give you her address afterwards.'

Well I just legged it afterwards. I wasn't being horrible, but I am quite shy as it is, and didn't want to be pushing myself on others who I didn't even know. Imagine knocking on someone's door, who you don't know, and saying 'hi, I have been told you're sad and lonely, and are desperate for a friend!' And I am sure SHE wouldn't want me there either. If I do meet this lady, then I will talk to her of course, and may eventually make friends with her naturally, but I am certainly not going to force myself on her.

Also, many years ago, my husband made a new friend at work, and he insisted we go out EVERY weekend with him and his wife, and I had NOTHING in common with her. He always buggared off with the man, and I was bored stiff every Friday night. And then on Sundays, he invited them around then too. They went away for 3 weeks once, to America, and it was SUCH a relief to not have to be near them or see them for 3 weeks.

Luckily, the friendship fizzled out after a year.

I think forced friendships are doomed from the beginning, and I certainly would not be comfortable with it. But do speak to the teacher AND your daughter, and play it by ear.

GobbledyGook

It's great to get so many different opinions on things.

I've sent the school an email asking to have a word at the end of the day tomorrow (that's their 'if you want a word come then' time rather than me being bossy!) so we shall see what they say.

I don't mind if it was a thing they are getting all the children involved in or on occasion, but from chatting to her (trying not to ask her too many questions as I don't want to make a big deal of it) it's something that's been going on since the new teacher started. I'm kicking myself that I didn't make more of the doctors/being the same comment.

In my mind the potential for isolation has already begun. DD should have been with her classmates at break time today. Due to her health issues her attendance is usually around 78% at most so she misses enough time with them without being sent away from them when she can be with them. Y never goes out in the playground (her parents choice), but DD does when she is well enough. I'm absolutely not risking her being with Y becoming the default.

I don't mind encouraging friendships, but the teacher telling her to go and sit with Y so she doesn't get lonely isn't encouraging - it's forcing.

As mouthy as DD can be with us sometimes she's not like that in school (we're those parents who look baffled at parents night with the talk of their quiet, diligent daughter wondering who has our cheeky monkey's report in error!) so she'd never question her teacher or say "I'd rather not" or "I want to go out to play".

Thanks everyone. Gemma

FBaby

What I'm not very clear is whether it is actually a problem for your DD at the moment? How often has she been to sit down with the other girl? You mention she said she was bored once, but did she say she was happy to talk to her at another time?

Has she actually related an incident when she was told she had to sit with the girl, but was sad about it because she wanted to play with her friends outside, but didn't dare telling the teacher? I think it is at this stage that I would consider to be the time to speak with the teacher.

Billie-S

GobbledyGook wrote: »

It's great to get so many different opinions on things.

In my mind the potential for isolation has already begun. DD should have been with her classmates at break time today. Due to her health issues her attendance is usually around 78% at most so she misses enough time with them without being sent away from them when she can be with them. Y never goes out in the playground (her parents choice), but DD does when she is well enough. I'm absolutely not risking her being with Y becoming the default.

I don't mind encouraging friendships, but the teacher telling her to go and sit with Y so she doesn't get lonely isn't encouraging - it's forcing.

Thanks everyone. Gemma

Hmmm, I would be concerned too. This girl should be encouraged to join in with many other kids; your daughter should not be taken away from her group of friends and peers, and made to be with that girl only.

I don't think people should be put together because they have similar 'issues:' that just segregates them further.

Am I understanding it correctly? Is this what's happening?

GobbledyGook

FBaby wrote: »

What I'm not very clear is whether it is actually a problem for your DD at the moment? How often has she been to sit down with the other girl? You mention she said she was bored once, but did she say she was happy to talk to her at another time?

Has she actually related an incident when she was told she had to sit with the girl, but was sad about it because she wanted to play with her friends outside, but didn't dare telling the teacher? I think it is at this stage that I would consider to be the time to speak with the teacher.

Yeah sorry. I didn't know the full story when I first posted. It was just ringing alarm bells.

We had a bit of a chat over dinner. I'm trying not to fire too many questions at her as I don't want to turn it into a big deal as she stews on things.

The move from the Depute's office to sitting with Y has been a regular thing (which is annoying as DD read in the Depute's office where as she just sits with Y - it was a good chance for her to read and she actively enjoyed it whereas it's difficult to get her to read at home) since the new teacher. She said that the teacher asked her if she wanted to sit in the Depute's or did she want to sit with Y to save Y being so lonely. She didn't realise she was choosing for every day.

She was very upset about not being able to play in her class today. All the other kids were in, but her teacher sent her down to sit with Y when she wanted to play with her class mates.

I've got a feeling that DD hasn't been out to play since Christmas and if that is the case I'll be really quite annoyed as there is a number of days she should have been. DD relies on her teacher to tell her when she's allowed out and when she's to go to the medical bay because she's not always away of her seizures (plus she gets twitchy which is a sign all isn't well, but she can't pick it up). So on one hand I'm pleased because it means she's been unaware that she could have been out.

FBaby

Definitely time to have a chat then

Indie_Kid

So, what happens to this girl if your DD isn't at school? It would be fairer if all pupils in her classes were encouraged (not forced; as appears to be the case here) to be friends and do things with this girl.