Would you speak to the school?

GobbledyGook

If your child's school (mainly their new teacher) was actively encouraging a friendship between your child and another that you really didn't like (the friendship) would you speak to them?

DD2 got a new teacher after Christmas and she appears to be trying extremely hard to foster a friendship between DD and another child. The two children have similar health issues (they both have epilepsy and DD2 has a multitude of other issues. I have no idea about the other child) to a certain degree and the new teacher seems to think this makes them ideal buddies. They are not actually in the same class, but are in the same year and there is a lot of interaction between the two classes.

Firstly I think children should be allowed to make their own friendships, but mostly this child is allowed/enabled/encouraged to use their health problems as an excuse for everything.

I accept fully that I'm probably being exceptionally mean given we're talking about a child, but we're trying to bring DD2 up showing her that whilst her health might limit some things she can adapt to most things. Due to her being young we've been able to turn some things into a positive - her sister swims and rides horses in a group where as she gets 1-to-1 for example (although I understand she'll hate that in time, but we'll deal with that then). She's being taught that health problems does not make it acceptable to kick, bite, stamp your feet and scream in a bid to get everything your own way.

Please either give us the kick up the backside if I need it or is it worth mentioning to the school that I don't really want this deliberate fostering of a friendship?

warehouse

No, that's not right. Kids must make their own friends. Forcing it is stopping natural friendships develop. Your Daughter might even get friendly with this other child and there's nothing you can do about it, but to force it? No.

Yes, I'd definitely speak to the school on this.

balletshoes

what makes you think this teacher is actively pushing your child toward another?

JimmyTheWig

They are probably trying to use your child as a good role model for the other child. The school are probably fed up with the other child's behaviour and think that if she sees your daughter getting on with things despite the same medical problems then she will learn this too.

What age are we talking about?
If it's primary school, I see no reason not to have a quiet chat with the teacher about any concern that you have.

meer53

But if you don't really know this other child, how can you assume it's a bad idea ? Kids won't be friends if they don't want to be, no-one can force it. I wouldn't worry if i were you, it will blow over in time.

Gra76

Kids should be left to form their own friendships. I'd be having a word with the school.

whodathunkit

I think the teacher's on dodgy ground if she thinks 2kids should be pals because they both have epilepsy.

GobbledyGook

DD is 7 so it's young primary school.

Friendships are fluid at that age imo and I'm not happy with engineered friendships. Especially ones which could isolate DD - she is likely to suffer in friendships when she's older as it is due to her absence levels.

balletshoes wrote: »

what makes you think this teacher is actively pushing your child toward another?

Balletshoes - Mostly from things that have been said by DD and also changes to her routine in school. She's said a few times now that Miss X said that it was a shame that Y didn't have many friends. She also very randomly asked if she and Y seen the same doctors because they are the same.
Also on days that she can't go out at playtime she normally sat and read in the Deputy Head's office with the kids who've lost their break for behaviour related things. The other child spends every break sat outside the school office (the parents don't want them associated with the misbehaving kids). She mentioned sitting with Y last week and I didn't think anything of it, but today she asked her Dad on the way home from school if it was ok to play tomorrow rather than sit with Y because she was bored today. The kids were kept in today for weather reasons and normally DD would stay with her class, but today she was sent down by her teacher to sit with Y so that Y wasn't lonely. Y isn't allowed to stay in the class as there's not a full time adult (there is an adult on each level, but they are between classes), but DD is as one of the children in her class has a full time 1-to-1 adult who is in the room and can alert the office in case of emergency.

meer53 wrote: »

But if you don't really know this other child, how can you assume it's a bad idea ? Kids won't be friends if they don't want to be, no-one can force it. I wouldn't worry if i were you, it will blow over in time.

I know enough to know that the parents of this child objected to the child being disciplined for biting another child because they felt the child was frustrated over their condition.

When I said I don't really know the child I meant that I don't know if there are other medical issues. DD has a host, but epilepsy is the main one. This child is allowed to use their health as an excuse for everything.

mrcow

Personally, I'd phone the school tomorrow..

Tell the teacher that your daughter will find her own friends and she's not to be picked out to "befriend" this child. If they are trying to encourage friendships, then they need to do it to all children equally. ALL children should take turns with sit with this kid if it really needs to happen.

Just saying that alone should make the teacher back it off. If it doesn't, go in and tell them directly.

GobbledyGook

Thank you so much!

You know when you feel strongly about something, but worry that you are seeing it through biased spectacles? That's how I was feeling over it.

I know some people think I'm quite hard on my DD, but she is going to grow up in a world full of "normal" (for want of a better phrase) people and I don't want her falling into those habits. Yes, we fully accept her limitations, but only the actual limitations - and normal childhood stroppiness - not using it as an excuse to be a brat.

Once again thank you.

Gemma x

LannieDuck

It doesn't sound too bad to me apart from the part about DD2 being sent to sit with Y instead of playing. Maybe it was a one-off, but if it happens again I would definitely be questioning why DD2 was being singled out to miss her break times.