Feeling guilty for not spending time with mother

diamond_sky

Hello

Really hoping I can get some advice about this…or just have a rant!

I’m in my early 30s and struggling with my relationship with my mum. Basically, growing up I had a lot of health problems which meant I didn’t leave home until my mid 20’s. I'm recovered now but because I was still getting better when I left, I was still quite reliant on my parents, for emotional support. Now I'm a lot better I have my own life, a job, boyfriend and fantastic friends so I don’t see my parents as much as I used too.

My mum makes me feel so guilty about this! We phone regularly and see each other at least once every 3 weeks but she constantly tells me she misses me and that I should come ‘home’ more (I see my home as when I’m living now, not my parents house!_. The thing is I don’t drive and it’s an hour’s journey, so I just don’t have the time, energy or the money to do that often.

She also annoys me by saying I should be at theirs on my days off to see them and look after their dog….that’s a popular way of guilty tripping me, by telling me the dog’s on his own and I’ve got a day off so I should be there…Am I’m being a rubbish daughter? I feel like I give them both a lot of attention already but I need to be independent and carve out my own life and family.

I invite them to visit but they say they don’t want to leave the dog on it’s own (!) and make the drive.


I’m in a long distance relationship so although they see my partner every couple of months they also seem to think we should be spending the weekends we get together, with them.

I have a brother but I think because he’s been independent since he was 18 they don’t give him the same stress to always be with them

victory

diamond_sky wrote: »

Hello

Really hoping I can get some advice about this…or just have a rant!

I’m in my early 30s and struggling with my relationship with my mum. Basically, growing up I had a lot of health problems which meant I didn’t leave home until my mid 20’s. I'm recovered now but because I was still getting better when I left, I was still quite reliant on my parents, for emotional support. Now I'm a lot better I have my own life, a job, boyfriend and fantastic friends so I don’t see my parents as much as I used too.

My mum makes me feel so guilty about this! We phone regularly and see each other at least once every 3 weeks but she constantly tells me she misses me and that I should come ‘home’ more (I see my home as when I’m living now, not my parents house!_. The thing is I don’t drive and it’s an hour’s journey, so I just don’t have the time, energy or the money to do that often.

She also annoys me by saying I should be at theirs on my days off to see them and look after their dog….that’s a popular way of guilty tripping me, by telling me the dog’s on his own and I’ve got a day off so I should be there…Am I’m being a rubbish daughter? I feel like I give them both a lot of attention already but I need to be independent and carve out my own life and family.

I invite them to visit but they say they don’t want to leave the dog on it’s own (!) and make the drive.


I’m in a long distance relationship so although they see my partner every couple of months they also seem to think we should be spending the weekends we get together, with them.

I have a brother but I think because he’s been independent since he was 18 they don’t give him the same stress to always be with them

Your mum wants to feel wanted and special (the day off for her) and you want to feel loved and wanted but given space, pretty much similar but needs a bit of tweaking and compromise....

Is the dog welcome at yours? If so that is an excuse not a reason, can you arrange a definete date for a visit so your mum has something to look forward to? A date you will not change and make the day for her?

securityguy

I invite them to visit but they say they don’t want to leave the dog on it’s own (!) and make the drive.

The dog's their problem. If it means they can't see people as easily as they want, then they should have thought of that first.

She also annoys me by saying I should be at theirs on my days off to see them and look after their dog

She cares more about the dog than you. This is not your problem.

Stop phoning her as much and let her get on with her life with her dog.

Do you actually want to see her, or do you just feel that you should? If you don't want to, don't.

picklekin

Indeed, the dog thing is an excuse, I have a fully grown energetic Labrador, but if needs be he can stay on his own for 8 hours or (better still) go into day care for the day if I choose to visit people.

I think you need to have a direct chat with her, hard as it may be, and say that she needs to stop pressuring you like this, or you'll end up having to back away to protect yourself.

Mojisola

diamond_sky wrote: »

I’m in my early 30s and struggling with my relationship with my mum. Basically, growing up I had a lot of health problems which meant I didn’t leave home until my mid 20’s. I'm recovered now but because I was still getting better when I left, I was still quite reliant on my parents, for emotional support. Now I'm a lot better I have my own life, a job, boyfriend and fantastic friends so I don’t see my parents as much as I used too.

My mum makes me feel so guilty about this! We phone regularly and see each other at least once every 3 weeks but she constantly tells me she misses me and that I should come ‘home’ more

This really is your mother's problem and she needs to sort it out.

My son had ME for years and, like you, was dependent on us through years when he would normally have been making his own way in life.

He still struggles at times with his health but he copes with living away. I am so proud of him - it has been a real struggle but he has started to make his own way in life. We do miss him at home but he's got his own life now and the last thing he needs is to keep running home to make me feel better!

peachyprice

It sounds like they've got used to you being dependent on them and didn't expect anything to ever change, while you're making up for lost time.

Are you a bad daughter? Of course not, you need to have the space for an independent life. Most people have this done and dusted in their early 20's and 'come back' to being dutiful adult offspring as they settle down, get married, have children etc. It seems unfair of your parents to expect you to miss out on your carefree days just because you're doing it later.

DigForVictory

It's blinking uncomfortable when your parents want to treat you like a child & you want to be treated like a grownup.

I agree with other posters that their dog is a red herring - and that you need to get them to haul over to see you in your place, so they can start to see you as an autonmous adult. If they refuse to (pretexts, pretexts) then it really is their problem.

You can't make them treat you like a grown up, but you can stop rewarding the attempts. "Come & mind the dog" can be met with "sorry, things to do here!" - at least she accepts you work & isn't asking on days you cannot come over.

If they insist on giving you hassle, call your brother & have a chat. He appears to have a working relationship figured, can he advise? Intercede? (Cheer you on?!)

It isn't your fault you're a daughter & some women seem to think different rules apply to sons rather than adults, and you are *not* a bad daughter to be working on your independence even if that puts mum in a back seat.

onlyroz

Things should work both ways - if she wants to see you then she should visit *you* rather than expecting you to always put yourself out and visit her. Hubby's parents were like this, always expecting him to do the running around and moaning when he didn't phone frequently enough, but never picking up the phone or coming to visit us.

maman

I don't think you're a bad daughter but I do understand your mother missing you. I have a similar problem so can give another perspective.


My DD2 visits us rarely as she doesn't drive, lives 30 miles away and she has a dog too which seems to be another excuse for not visiting often. I feel a bit neglected when I realise she'll make the effort for friends, other family or travel for shopping but not for us. But I've decided it's her life and her choice and while it hurts I've learned to live with it.


What I've decided to do is treat her as if she was a 'to do' task at work! It may sound clinical and selfish but I decided I was going to do the right thing by her and then how she chooses to respond is her problem. So I resolved to phone/text/email her every week with our news so I'd done my bit for keeping in touch. If she chooses not to respond then it's not my problem. We last saw her at Christmas but she did text to ask if she can come next week and DH called to say we'd love to see her. When she comes we'll have a nice meal and a chat and then that'll be it until the next time.




Meanwhile we get on with our lives. Your mother would learn to do the same. Just stick to your guns. Don't be apologetic. You have your own life. Decide how much time you can reasonably set aside for your parents and stick to it.

Morglin

Live your life, as she can visit you, if it bothers her.

Her daughter should be the priority, not the family pet!

Lin

tillyenna

I think you are seeing her plenty - I tried last year to see my mam every month, which was hard work, but I feel good about it. Every 3 weeks seems PLENTY to me!


That being said, my mam has been getting really antsy of late about me growing up ('cause I'm getting married I expect) and there are a few things I've noticed which help:
- Always referring to her house as 'home' when I'm talking to her. It's not how I feel, 'home' is wherever my fiance is, but it keeps her happier
- Whenever I do visit, I make sure to tell her how glad I am to be there (not always true), and say things like how wonderful having 'home cooked food' is (I home cook food for me and my fiance, but hey...)
- Avoid at all costs the words 'thank you for having me' I personally thought it was polite, but the first time I came out with it she burst into tears... um...
- Organise trips way in advance (i.e. if you want to stretch the three weeks out, a week after a trip, plan another one for 4 weeks time) and then tell her how much you are looking forward to it






Basically, whilst I am completely on your side, that you need your space, and you are NOT in the wrong - She is also your mum, and they are tricksy creatures, so trying to make things easier on her might be a kindness