Man from the past trouble.

poet123

I agree, it is disloyal to your husband. That ship sailed and you are on board the one that you chose. You can't dabble with jumping ship, you need to be on one or the other. If you want to make your marriage work you need to sever contact. Half measures won't do.

mountainofdebt

Just as a matter of interest do you talk to him in front of your OH ? If not why not?

wowimustlovehim

It's easy to believe that you and he were each other's 'the one'. I think that if that we're really true, you wouldn't have got fed up with travelling to see him when you were together.
You've both romanticised the past.

I had a similar thing with an old 'love', and when we both became 'un-attached' at the same time, the fire promised to burn bright with anticipation, ifkyim. The reality was, life had changed both of us, and the resultant fling, was never going to be anything else. I no longer think of him as the lost love of my life, but simply an old boyfriend. No animosity, but no lingering what if's.

Be careful you don't think of this so much that you talk yourselves into it. You may both regret it in the long run. Probably best to avoid having this type of conversation in the first place, keep in touch if you want to, but no need to indulge this particular fantasy.

justme111

lostlady123 wrote: »

I understand what you are saying. We both do realise that our respective partners would be unhappy. Ive said to this man that I would be distraught if my partner was speaking the way we are to someone else. That's part of why we are cutting the contact to a minimum.

I don't want to be with this man at the expense of my partner, neither do I want his wife to suffer because of me.

Im just really struggling with the 'what ifs'.

From what you written here you made it clear what you wanted bck then , him saying you did not looks like twisting the past to sell it you in a way which would brush off his responsibility for it ending and put rose tinted glasses on you .I think you may accept that there are more than one good match for us on this planet and you happened to end up with one good match while another one has not happened due to circumstances. If the present match is good then there is no reason to wonder how it would turned up with other guy , you can not have all good matches , just one.

Ps. Keeping in touch would been fine until the line was crossed and talks started about how good you were together. Reminiscing about romantic past is not compatible with being friends. It is very inconsiderate of him to you to talk about it , specially as it was in essence him who rejected you in the first place.

Janey3

If you did something about it and got back together you would both probably be riddled with guilt over leaving your present partners.

Although you will never forget him, the what ifs will become less over time, painful now for you, but they will ease.

I agree with others, cut contact.

Mojisola

lostlady123 wrote: »

I did say to him that he used to irritate the hell out of me because he was always late meeting me and was so stubborn.

So, whenever you start thinking about him, bring back how you felt when you were hanging around waiting for him again, imagine having an argument about not putting the bins out/forgetting to buy milk on the way home/half a dozen other things that annoy you.

Once you're not looking at him through rose-tinted glasses, your knees won't go wobbly at the thought of him.

PeacefulWaters

I could fill two pages of speculation, opportunity, reward and reckless risk.

But I'd end it with what many have posted above.

I agree with others, cut contact.

Go cold turkey. Don't just delete numbers and block on Facebook. Change numbers and get off Facebook.

jellie

I agree with others - cut all contact and delete his number, you have no reason to keep in contact with him at all. Put your energy into your current relationship instead.

ostrichnomore_2

You 'can't bear' to cut contact? You need to. The fact that you both feel so strongly about it is a huge problem. If you continue to have contact with each other, it IS going to effect your real relationships. Guaranteed. If nothing more, by dripping around each other with wistful thoughts of what could have been, you are being very disloyal to your partners. Emotional energy that should be given to your marriage is being given to someone outside your marriage.

How would you feel if you knew your OH was mutually mooning around with an ex? It's a dangerous game to start playing. Seriously. You are risking your marriage if you continue - no matter what your intentions right now.

What is the point of the twice yearly calls, exactly? what are you going to be talking about? If it is anything you couldn't say in front of your spouses, then what you are doing is wrong. If it's a twice yearly catch up in front of your spouses, talking about the weather and the garden and mundane stuff, what's the point of it? It's not a friendship. It's not an affair. What do you hope it will be?

You are thinking of each other as 'the one that got away'. No, you aren't. You are just another failed relationship, that failed for perfectly normal reasons. Nothing special. I can't imagine why you want to damage a good marriage for a fantasy.

Errata

OP you're not having feelings, you're having fantasies. Grow up and take responsibility for the life you've chosen and stop hurting other people behind their backs.