Man from the past trouble.

lostlady123

Maybe I just need to offload and get others views please.

I am in my 50s and years ago I was in a very bad marriage for many years. During the last couple of years of the marriage my husband left me for another woman. During that time I met another man through work but he lived over 300 miles from me. This was around 15 years ago.

We started to see each other and fell deeply in love. He was newly divorced but still living in the house he had shared with his ex which was up for sale, I visited hem both and she was fine with us having a relationship.

After a while I got fed up with the travelling and felt that he was not ready for another full on relationship. He seemed reluctant to suggest we make things permanent. I decided to stop seeing him as I felt we were going nowhere and I was wanting more. We were both upset when I said I was not seeing him again and he used to ring me constantly asking me to continue our relationship. because I felt a clean break would be better as the phone calls were upsetting me I told him that I had my husband had returned and we were going to try to make a go of it which was untrue but he told me that he respected my decision and that he hoped I would be happy. We then didn't have contact for around 18 months.

Just after that my husband did return but the marriage was finished and we divorced a year later. When I next had contact
with the other man he told me he had met someone and so I didn't tell him I had divorced.

I then met my partner, he is a wonderful man and I am very happy with him. 2 years on the other man had met another lady and they married. Our contact has been sparse over the last few years but we have always had the odd phone call which my partner and the other mans wife know about.

But, about 3 months ago things changed. We were talking about old times when he told me that he thought we had always been very good together. I replied that we had not been so good or we would have taken things further and still been together. He then told me that he would have loved to have taken things further but he thought I didn't want too and then I had decided to try again with my husband.
He said he felt at the time that he had nothing to offer me and thought I would have turned him down.
We realised that neither of us had said what we were thinking at the time and neither of us had been straight with the other.


He has now told me that though he loves his wife he has always loved me and feels that I am the only woman who has ever 'ticked every box' for him. I definitely still have very strong feelings for him.

We both know that there will be no meetings or affair, we neither of us want to hurt the people who love us and we are both happy in our own way.

We know its too late to disrupt our family lives and sail of into the sunset but it doesn't stop me thinking about what we let go.


Neither of us can bear the thought of cutting all contact but we have agreed that we should only phone a couple of times a year from now on.

What I don't understand is why, if Im so happy with my partner (and I do love him) Im having these 'what might have been ' feelings for this man.

tazzyb

Its natural to think what if when you have unfinished business and to look back with rose tinted glasses.

Only you two can decide what to do now, but I do know if I found out my partner was having the discussions you have been having I would not be happy.

lostlady123

I understand what you are saying. We both do realise that our respective partners would be unhappy. Ive said to this man that I would be distraught if my partner was speaking the way we are to someone else. That's part of why we are cutting the contact to a minimum.

I don't want to be with this man at the expense of my partner, neither do I want his wife to suffer because of me.

Im just really struggling with the 'what ifs'.

mountainofdebt

Do you think his relationship is as strong as he says it is?

tbh I think you do need to cut contact - you may not be tempted now but what about after a major argument and you've used him, innocently, as a shoulder to cry on?

Mojisola

lostlady123 wrote: »

What I don't understand is why, if Im so happy with my partner (and I do love him) Im having these 'what might have been ' feelings for this man.

This can be because you have the day-to-day reality of living with your partner whereas you can think of a fantasy "happy ever after" scenario with the man from your past.

It may have worked out wonderfully but it could just as well have descended into lots of niggling irritations with him. It's not fair on your current partner to compare your real relationship with a "what might have been".

paulineb_2

The contact should stop. Not be cut to a minimum. You can't build your life on what ifs and there are two other people involved here.

You aren't platonic friends, you have feelings for one another, he's married and you have a partner, that's reality. If things had been so fabulous you wouldn't have ended it in the first place.

mountainofdebt

oh and by the way what ifs are nothing more than figments of our imaginations...no point in wondering what would have happened if we turned right after turning left.

mountainofdebt

in fact change your number now and delete him from facebook whatever!

lostlady123

Mojisola wrote: »

This can be because you have the day-to-day reality of living with your partner whereas you can think of a fantasy "happy ever after" scenario with the man from your past.

It may have worked out wonderfully but it could just as well have descended into lots of niggling irritations with him. It's not fair on your current partner to compare your real relationship with a "what might have been".

Thank you for the responses, I think this is particularly true. I did say to him that he used to irritate the hell out of me because he was always late meeting me and was so stubborn.

I think maybe a lot o it is because it ended whilst I still loved him and not because I no longer did. It took a very long time to get over him and I have to admit that when we speak Im still feeling weak at the knees for want of a better way to put it.

marisco_2

You met this guy when you were both at a vulnerable stage of your lives. Could it be reasonable to say that you are looking back on your connection with him with rose tinted glasses? There appears to have been many opportunities when you could both have made a go of things. Yet either he or yourself chose not to pursue this.

I think the crux of your problem here is that there is something missing in your current relationship, that you aren't willing to face up to yet. If there wasn't then your mind wouldn't be wandering to thoughts of this other guy, and 'what could have been' wouldn't be consuming you now. Maintaining even very limited contact with a man that you clearly hold a torch for, behind your partners back, is disrespectful to him. Imagine how you would feel if he were doing this to you. You would have to be a little naïve, to think that this other guy wont eventually want more from you despite what he is currently saying.

Hermia

I agree that the contact has to stop. It is completely possible to remain friends with an ex if you have both moved on and see each other as mates. But, those twice yearly phone calls are going to involve you both talking about the past and will leave you in a state. It's not fair on your partner.