How much is 'enough' for a single pensioner?

moneyistooshorttomention

It must be very hard for hubbie to come to terms with his own mother being a thief (not to put too fine a point on it...but that IS what she is doing in spending this inheritance money that isn't hers to spend).

I guess he's spent years half-believing her self-justifications for doing this and the scales are coming off eyes quite quickly right now. I feel sorry for him to be realising that this is the case and I can imagine how upset this is making him feel and I expect he will feel a lot more upset about it before this is through.

The more MIL's true colours show up, then the more the scales will drop from his eyes. No wonder Parsimonia is trying to "hold things together" and resolve the matter. I'm guessing it's partly in order to shield her husband from the truth about what his own mother is like. No reasonable person wants to think they have someone who, at the very least, counts as distinctly selfish and immature as a parent...but its true that just becoming a parent doesn't change someone's nature. It is what it is still regardless of parenthood. Parenthood doesn't suddenly put a halo on top of someone's head...they are still the same sort of person they have been all along and not many people become reformed characters just because they've given birth.

I will echo previous posters' warnings about being very careful she doesn't start accusing her own son and DIL of stealing from her. She is capable of doing that by the look of it. I don't think she would scruple about stealing from anyone....that inheritance and the bank have so far come into her view as "stealing potential". Who knows who is next? Just as long as she can keep living the standard of living she believes she is entitled to, I doubt she will care just where the money comes from..

I've seen a younger version of MIL "at work" and I can sympathise...as the younger version I knew was perfectly capable of acting sweetie sweetie whilst busily scheming to get everyone else to fund her, rather than actually having to work for a living.

seven-day-weekend

Despite her love of animals, she does seem to be a selfish and manipulative person who has just relied on other people to keep her in the manner to which she feels she is entitled.

To Parsimonia: Has she said anything about the stepsons' inheritance from their father or does she think it is Ok for her to spend it?

downshifted

I refer you to post number 46

Parsimonia

downshifted wrote: »

I refer you to post number 46

:(:( Yes, you were right...

Pollycat

So sorry to hear about your experience at the Bank.

MIL sounds like a petulant child, especially the bit about sending you seeds as an apology.

What exactly does your husband think about the situation?

It might just be me but it sounds like you're shouldering the majority of this mess - I do appreciate that this may be because it's you who is posting and/or that your OH is not well.

If you are doing as moneyistooshorttomention says and trying to shield him from the truth about his mother, I think it's time to stop that - right now.
Do you think that she would accept advice about her finances more easily from him than you?

I also think it's time you stopped fighting the stepsons' battle.
It's not your fight, if they won't step in and look after the money that should be coming to them, that's their problem.
I'd be making them very clear about that.

I think your next problem will be when it's time to take her shopping to Aldi again and give her spending money for the week.

I feel that this is a battle that you're just not going to win.

pollypenny

Are you still saying that MIL is a lovely person, Parsimonia?

Errata

In a bizarre way the MIL reminds me of grossly obese people who rely on others to feed tham and enable them to grow ever more obese.

Parsimonia

Pollycat wrote: »

So sorry to hear about your experience at the Bank.

MIL sounds like a petulant child, especially the bit about sending you seeds as an apology.

What exactly does your husband think about the situation?

It might just be me but it sounds like you're shouldering the majority of this mess - I do appreciate that this may be because it's you who is posting and/or that your OH is not well.

If you are doing as moneyistooshorttomention says and trying to shield him from the truth about his mother, I think it's time to stop that - right now.
Do you think that she would accept advice about her finances more easily from him than you?

I also think it's time you stopped fighting the stepsons' battle.
It's not your fight, if they won't step in and look after the money that should be coming to them, that's their problem.
I'd be making them very clear about that.

I think your next problem will be when it's time to take her shopping to Aldi again and give her spending money for the week.

I feel that this is a battle that you're just not going to win.

No, I'm not shielding hubby - most of what I write here, he'd be writing if he were the one registered on this site and not me. I'm the one doing most of the actual input (i.e. pouring over the comparison websites and going with her to the bank etc) because hubby isn't particularly internet savvy, and he's cripplingly shy so no point in him going with her to the bank....but in his own way he is just as deeply involved in this as me...if not more so.

Because he doesn't work, he's the one MIL gripes to about her money worries on a daily basis. For every 1 conversation I have with her about trying to budget better, trying to not be selfish, acknowledging that the house isn't really hers to sell, pointing that she has an obligation to the step sons etc, hubby has at least 10. He chips chips chips away at her selfishness on a daily basis, and the scales have well and truly fallen from his eyes.

She's still his mam and he obviously still loves her warts and all...but the bloom is definitely off the rose.

As for the stepsons....we had a 3-way Skype video-conference last night, and I said that I'd fought my last battle on their behalf and it was time for them to fight a bit harder for themselves. I said (nicely) that if they're not prepared to put themselves out, they can't expect me to keep fighting their battles for them.

Both were very gentlemanly and old-school....I think they'd rather lose everything than be seen to be 'ganging up' (their term, not mine) on a widow....so I think I'll take a step backwards on that issue....

Re your last point re the Aldi shop...we were scheduled to go tomorrow but my sister's visiting from Cambridge for the day so we're going out for lunch instead....so hubby is doing a solo shop with MIL on Monday. That will be interesting....

troubleinparadise

She demanded to know how much of her overdraft they would write off, and when they said that it must be repaid in full, she picked up her handbag and stormed off.

That's an interesting approach from someone who on the one hand appears to be desperately out of control and so worried about her finances and situation that she asks for help - and on the other hand has very deliberately acquired extra funds by deception (going back to the need to sell the house she only had a life interest in with the permission of the beneficiaries:

"the understanding was that she would downsize the house to release some of the equity to fund her living expenses, but that once she finally died, the smaller house would then remain to be split 4 ways. They have no idea that she's talking about selling the house to release the equity to fund her lifestyle and then the house reverts to the agency on her death. She thinks this will allow her to live rent free in the property and have another £144,000 to spend.."

I'm afraid she is also highly devious and manipulative as others have also said, and has lied to and stolen money by deception from family members.

...But then about two hours ago her friend dropped in at our house on her way home (she lives in our village) and dropped off bag of seed potatoes and vegetable seeds that MIL had bought us as a gift...so I think that's her way of saying sorry.

Use this as an example to her - take back the "gift" - she can text/email/phone or see you to say sorry, she cannot buy (using someone else's money) your forgiveness or complicity and you will not allow her to continue this behaviour. To accept is to condone and enable...

With an addict, the lightbulb moment can take a very long time coming, and sadly the price paid by those who care for them can be very high.

Parsimonia

pollypenny wrote: »

Are you still saying that MIL is a lovely person, Parsimonia?

:lipsrseal:wall::whistle: