Fathers Funeral - Carrying coffin dilema. HELP!

Spendysaver

First of all, I'm really sorry for your loss.

I also lost my dad to cancer a few weeks before Christmas. My three sons (18, 21 and 24) carried the coffin along with my brother. Neither had done it before and they were all nervous but the undertaker was really good and told them just what to expect.

All I can tell you is I felt so proud of them that day and all four were glad they did it.

Hope this helps x

trolleyrun

I'm sorry for your loss and sending you hugs.

I "had to" carry my granfather's coffin from the church to the grave yard. There were 6 of us, 4 males and 2 females. It wasn't heavy, but did feel weird. I quietly hummed his favourite hymn while we walked, which made me feel better.

antw23uk

Thank you all for your kind words and avice. I'm going to do it, I feel its only right although I dont really owe the man anything I will be happy to do it to make others feel better and I guess myself a little
I'm not coping, I havent been since before Xmas. I've booked an appointment with the doctors to discuss just how low I feel but the appointment isnt until next Tuesday :mad: I dont think im stupid enough to do anything 'stupid' I just feel so low and worthless!

Thank you all again.

heartbreak_star

I am so sorry for your loss.

The funeral directors carried my dad's coffin - we have known them for a long time and they also did my granddad's funeral so we knew Dad would be OK with it.

I offered to help but I was far too short! *chuckles*

The funeral director arranged it so that me, Mum and Nan walked into the crematorium chapel just ahead of the coffin and stood in the front pew as it passed us, and that really worked.

If you are worried please do have a talk to the funeral directors - generally they are very caring and helpful people and I am sure they will set your mind at ease.

And, as others have said, please put your thoughts about your step-uncles to one side for the day. Everyone's there for the same purpose - to celebrate your dad's life.

I hope the day goes as smoothly as it can. Lots of sympathy.

HBS x

pambler

Sorry to hear about your loss.
When my father died, two of my nephews were keen to help carry the coffin, the other two preferred not to. The funeral directors were brilliant - they said that even if members of the family were planning to carry the coffin, they would always have enough people there the carry it if the family changed their minds at the last minute (apparently that can happen quite often - people find they just can't cope on the day). They explained what they needed to do and were really helpful.

In the end we all had a bit of a laugh as one of my nephews was wearing white patent winklepickers which stood out in the church like a sore thumb!

I think that you probably need to just see how you feel on the day, but you shouldn't feel pressured into doing something if you don't feel comfortable with it.

Pricivius

thorsoak wrote: »

First of all, condolences on the loss of your dad {{hugs}}.

It was our youngest son who said first that he wanted to carry the coffin - and the other two immediately said they would too - and our daughter said that her OH would also feel priviledged to do it. Their attitude was "well, for all the times that Dad carried us, it is the only time we have to carry him". So they all carried him. They considered it an honour to do that one last thing for their much loved dad.

This a beautiful way of looking at the task - thank you, thorsoak.

Condolences to OP; it's never easy to lose someone.

I have watched my brother carry his best friend, our beloved grandmother, our father and our step-father and it doesn't get any easier for him or for me. He has never had any difficulties with the task, except it's fair to say that our father was a very heavy man and lifting him was a struggle, albeit one my brother was proud to take on.

Torry_Quine

I've not carried a coffin but I have held a rope and let down the coffin into the grave and although emotional was privileged to help them on the last physical journey.

Here the coffin is in the church before the service and people don't walk in behind it. However it is carried out and family members do this sometimes as well as from the hearse to the grave-side.

Alpha58

I will echo what others have said - the worry is much worse than reality.

At my dad's funeral I was in too much of a mess to be able to even think about being a pall bearer and the subject was never raised - the funeral directors did it.

Next one was a ceremonial and I was walking ahead of the coffin - we were given a half day of rehearsal with the FDs. Despite the deceased being a big chap, there were no issues with carrying - we all took it in turns to practice and it was the six best height matched bearers who actually did the carrying.

Third was for an old mate. The FDs wheeled the coffin on a collapsible trolley from hearse to Church steps, whence the pall bearers hoisted the coffin and carried it to the altar. Again, the FDs were great and were ready to step in in the event that anyone wanted to drop out.

With hindsight I wish that I had been able to help carry my dad on his last journey. Best of luck to you on the day - and condolences on your loss.

jonesyork

A couple of thoughts - firstly, I saw my ex and various members of his family carrying his mother's coffin and the funeral directors guided them into position, lined them up with relative heights etc so i'd guess you could trust them to ensure it goes smoothly.

Alternatively, when my father died, we had a quandary because my mother said she didn't want the coffin being carried but my brother remembered Dad saying he'd like him (my brother) & my three nephews to carry him. So we opted for the coffin being brought in on a trolley, with my brother and nephews one at each corner. so no heavy lifting, no concern about carrying a dead body (which might have been an emotional issue for the young nephews.

And just a final thought - I felt rather left out (it wasn't worth challenging the assumption this was a male only task!). So don't miss out on what may be, oddly, a rather moving moment.

Georgiegirl256

I don't have any other advice on top of what has already been said, but just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss.

I liked the advice off pambler which said about how there is always someone there from the undertakers if you do change your mind on the day. Don't put any unnecessary pressure on yourself, you've said you want to do it, but don't worry if you don't feel up to it on the day.

I've just came back from a funeral today The coffin was wheeled in.