Fathers Funeral - Carrying coffin dilema. HELP!

antw23uk

Hi All

I'm not sure how this will come out really but I'm after a bit of advise ... well not sure what I'm after really!

My father passed away last week after battling with cancer for the last few years. We have never been very close however in the last couple of months and especially towards the end I visited every day and missed his passing by only a few short hours. Its been upsetting for all the family but I guess knowing that it was coming its felt more of a releif? now its over.

His wife (my parents divorced many years ago) doesnt want the funeral company carrying the coffin into the chapel (or whatever you call it!) and my sister has asked if I will be one of the carriers along with her husband, my brother and I guess my step mothers brothers? to make up the numbers.

I've said yes, how could I say no? I don't know what the hell I'm doing, I have this fear I wont be strong enough! I have this overwelming urge to just scream about this whole thing really.

I know it probably sounds pathetic but I dont want to lose face by saying no. My brother and brother in law will be carrying so how can I simply stand there and watch? Letting one of my step mothers brothers do it (I'm a snob, I dont like them, sorry if thats not relevent!)

I dont even know why I'm posting this really but any help/ advise would be much appreciated.

Thank you in advance.

Danni-R

Sometimes its nice to know that people are 'listening'.

You dont know, but they might be feeling the same?

You will be ok and you wont drop your father. Have a scream and a drink and it will all be ok.

I am sorry for your loss by the way. Cant be a good time for you.

Macadamia

antw23uk wrote: »

Hi All

I dont even know why I'm posting this really but any help/ advise would be much appreciated.

You are posting this probably because you are freaked out by the idea.

I can offer you reassurance. In my family experience, it will not be a fun thing, but you will be glad you did it. The funeral directors will probably tell you in advance what you need to do, and then during the event will talk you through it. (Where to stand, how and where to hold it etc.) A body in a coffin, shared between 4 people is surprisingly light.
In your shoes, I would say yes. But of course the decision is yours alone.

garfy1

Sorry for your loss.

Regarding carrying the coffin, emotions aside, there is really nothing to worry about. There will likely be 6 of you, they will talk you through it and arrange you in such an order according to height to make sure the weight is spread evenly. Just take it slowly and try to pace at the the same time. It really won't be heavy.

Unfortunately it's something I have had to do 4 times in the last few years so have become a bit of an expert at it.

Also try to keep any negative feelings for the other bearers aside until another day, I'm sure your father wouldn't want any scenes at his funeral.

p00hsticks

Sorry for your loss.

Your brother and nbrother in law may well be feeling the same.

My suggestion is to have a word with the funeral dorectors arranging the funeral - they will almost certainly have come across the situation before, and will want everything to go smoothly.

Hopefully they will be able to instruct you on how it should be done, and perhaps even let you all have a practise with an empty coffin before the day. And the funeral director and his assistants should be around to step in with any more difficult bits like getting the coffin out of the hearse and setting it down.

CraggyRockFace

Does the coffin actually have to be carried at all?

Before my fathers funeral, the coffin carrying question was asked of us, and because our family is so small there would not have been 6 people young/strong enough to actually do the job. So the funeral director said it wasn't a problem - and when the coffin came out of the hearse it went straight onto a small wheeled trolley which the funeral director's assistants wheeled up the isle of the crematorium.

I was relieved because like you I also really didn't want to carry the coffin.

System

I should imagine being one of 4 or 6, if one of you stumbles the others will be able to stand firm.


The coffins are screwed down firmly anyway so even if you did have an accident and drop him he wouldn't come tumbling out.

valk_scot

Sometimes women help carry the coffin, just to reassure you that it's not that heavy when shared between six. My SIL helped carry my FILs coffin though she was a tall woman.


I'd feel a bit freaked out though if I was asked to do it, must say. Not from a question of strength but frankly, I just wouldn't want to get that near to a coffin, father or no father. On my side of the family the coffin has always been carried by the undertakers or come up on the we trolley.


As to the question of your step mother's brothers though, I'd try to put any negative feelings towards them aside for the day. Funerals are notorious for being places where emotions are stressed and old grudges surface but really, it's undignified and everyone regrets it the next day. You're all there to show love and respect towards your father after all.

Mojisola

CraggyRockFace wrote: »

Does the coffin actually have to be carried at all?

Before my fathers funeral, the coffin carrying question was asked of us, and because our family is so small there would not have been 6 people young/strong enough to actually do the job. So the funeral director said it wasn't a problem - and when the coffin came out of the hearse it went straight onto a small wheeled trolley which the funeral director's assistants wheeled up the isle of the crematorium.

This is what happened with Mum and Dad - the grandchildren (all over 18s) "escorted" the coffin in to the crem.

thorsoak

First of all, condolences on the loss of your dad {{hugs}}.

It was our youngest son who said first that he wanted to carry the coffin - and the other two immediately said they would too - and our daughter said that her OH would also feel priviledged to do it. Their attitude was "well, for all the times that Dad carried us, it is the only time we have to carry him". So they all carried him. They considered it an honour to do that one last thing for their much loved dad.

DKLS

Unless the coffin is lead lined, its not that bad sharing the weight between 6 people.


I have had to do it 3 times now, and for me it helped with the grieving process, a simple act but potentially a powerful one.