Sensitive Question

ellay864

I agree that for the 13yr old in particular, one would hope they are given some chance of putting their opinion in. Also, without wishing to sound nasty, divorce can make people see the ex partner in very different lights. If you'd listened to my husband's ex wife a few years ago you'd have believed he was a lousy father, totally irresponsible and wouldn't have ever deserved to be on his own with them, and that I was the evil controlling new woman trying to wrestle him away from his family. Maybe there are genuine reasons she has, but both she and her parents could be understandably biased.
Unless there was really strong reasons I can't see why the father shouldn't have his children, if he wants that too. When a friend of mine was dying of cancer a few years ago, her ex saw and spent plenty of time with their daughter (13 when her mum died). Because dad's work took him away a lot they all agreed she would be better off living with cousins once her mum died. In the year before she died they all spent time there, she got to have a room decorated as she liked, they started integrating her in preparation. She did have to move school but she was prepatred, and her dad still saw just as much of her. It can work if all parties can discuss amicably, and I hope for the children's sake they can do that

mountainofdebt

How old / fit are the grandparents?

Its one thing have the children to stay occasionally overnight but its a completely different to having them stay permenantly, having to deal with teenagers etc

meritaten

isn't it still legal for a parent to appoint a 'guardian' for a child in the event of their death? and if its their grandparents then courts don't usually overturn it?

Errata

meritaten wrote: »

isn't it still legal for a parent to appoint a 'guardian' for a child in the event of their death? and if its their grandparents then courts don't usually overturn it?

I'm not sure if a parent can dispose of children in the same way as a wardrobe or a set of silver cutlery, although they may be able to express their wishes.

rpc

meritaten wrote: »

isn't it still legal for a parent to appoint a 'guardian' for a child in the event of their death? and if its their grandparents then courts don't usually overturn it?

Covered in post 16...

In England, you can appoint a guardian who would inherit your parental rights upon death. This guardianship would only take effect if there is no surviving parent or there is a residence order in favour of the deceased. (Children Act 1989 s5). That last bit was a surprise to me.

In Scotland, you can appoint a guardian who would inherit your parental rights upon death. No further caveats. (Children (Scotland) Act 1995 s7). The guardian would share PRR with the surviving parent - both get to make decisions, so it could all end up in court if they disagree.

ostrichnomore_2

Without any reason beyond geographical ones, I can't imagine why the children wouldn't live with surviving parent. Yes, it means some additional disruption, but things can be done earlier to assist them with the transition. She needs to consider the effect of them of possibly believing that, having lost their mother, their father either didn't want them, or their mothers family kept them from their father...
How would the mother feel if it were the other way round? If the Dad had residency now, and arranged for children to live with his parents instead of her if something happened to him. I bet she'd be screaming off the rooftops about it.
At that age they'll have their own say if it went to court.

SandC

If the children have a good relationship with their father with regular contact then I feel the children should be with him if that's what he wishes too (and there has been nothing said by OP to suggest that he would not want this, just that their mother has reservations).

Sometimes an adult who is the non resident parent may well have a lifestyle, when the children are not around, that isn't quite what the other parent would want for them to be part of on a full time basis. But that doesn't mean that they wouldn't step up to the plate and be there for their children should the worst happen.

My cousin was divorced from this wife and their 3 children lived with their mother and her new fella, and then their new baby when she came along. Unfortunately, she was diagnosed with terminal cancer and passed away shortly afterwards. There was no question whatsoever that the children would be with their father and he would have fought tooth and nail if anyone had tried to suggest anything else.

He was actually living in Singapore at the time so the children upped and moved to be with him. Unfortuately this meant separation from their new half sibling but to try and stop my cousin from being with his children would have been completely unfair. In his circumstance the whole family should have been in Singapore together as the mother's infidelity with the new father of half sibling was what caused the family break up in the first place - of course this has a lot of bearing.

But kids are very resilient and will adapt to their new lives as long as the have the love and support of their remaining family around them.

My mother passed away when I was 10 and although my parents were not divorced we also moved 400 miles away to be nearer family so we had to go through the upheaval, new schools, finding new friends etc. too. We just got on with it!

krok

My circumstances are simular to the ops.

My x wife will get very ill and pass away in the next few years due to an illness she was born with. Our children are about same age as ops so hopefully they will be a lot older when it does happen.

The children have a good relationship with the mothers parents and im sure they would love to take full responsability for the children
when their mother passes away.

The point is i am the father and love my children and i will be the only parent with parental responsability. The children will come to live with me but its not too far from where they live now, so they can still go to the same schools and have their old friends.

The grandparents will be able to have as much contact with the children as they want so i am hoping that their will be no problems.

The reason i am writing this is i have had to fight for 2 years in the courts to get the contact with my children because my x did not want me to be part of the childrens lives.

Thankfully i now have unrestricted access and and know that legaly
the grandparents have no rights at all when it comes to who looks after the children when the childrens mother passes away.

I would like to know from the op what does the childrens father think of it. Does he want his children to stay with him because if he does then he has the legal right. If he doesnt then i think the children should stay with the grandparents.

The thing is is that this is not a custody battle between 2 parents with equal responsability where a judge decides who will get what.
When only one parent is left then they have the sole legal rights to their children. The only way this can be reversed is if there was any chance of the childrens safety being in question or the parent did not want to care for their children.

Dal_Whinnie

rpc wrote: »

OP - are you in Scotland? Your name is making me think. I know our lawis a bit different on this so it made me go look it up.

.

I am in England and more importantly so are the parents, I just rather like that particular malt and the distillery is fantastic.

Thank you for yours (and everybody elses) comments.

Dal_Whinnie

krok wrote: »

My circumstances are simular to the ops.


I would like to know from the op what does the childrens father think of it. Does he want his children to stay with him because if he does then he has the legal right. If he doesnt then i think the children should stay with the grandparents.
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Firstly, I am sorry to hear about your problems and glad you appear to have worked through them.

I really don't know what the father thinks and as others have said, if the prognosis deteriorates then those discussions need to be had before it is too late. From a personal view, I am sorry that the father has taken little responsibility up to now, I truly believe that both parents have equal responsibilities and even if they cease to be a couple their responsibility to their children should remain paramount unfortunately, in the real world.....