Sensitive Question

Dal_Whinnie

Background -

• Mother and father are divorced
• Children (aged 8-13) live with mother
• Father has unrestricted access to children
• Father lives in a different part of country to mother
• Mother lives near her parents
• Mother has cancer

The question I have is what would normally happen to the children should the worst happen and mother doesn't survive the cancer. She considers that they would be better staying with her parents and continuing at current schools rather than moving to be with their father.

Netwizard

Would the father move to the same part of the country as the children (if this is feasible?)

Dal_Whinnie

Netwizard wrote: »

Would the father move to the same part of the country as the children (if this is feasible?)

I don't think he would but I should add that even if he did the mother is concerned that this would not be in their best interest

rpc

Normally, you would expect the children to move in with their father. Children usually live with one parent or the other, with very few exceptions.

The father almost certainly has parental responsibility due to the marriage and the proposed plan would require his agreement. The only alternatives I can see would be adoption (not likely without his consent) or for social services/court to place the kids with the grandparents.

The children will adapt to moving schools, etc. If the prognosis is poor, better to discuss this earlier rather than later. If this is a worst-case might happen but probably not, forget about it just now.

honeypop

We are going through something very similar right now (although death was different cause than cancer). Children have gone to live with father, although without a doubt would be better off with other members of the family, all have expressed their wish for this, but cannot do anything since the father has parental responsibility. It was a sudden death so wasn't really discussed beforehand apart from 'if anything ever happens to me, I don't want 'x' to have the children full time, you'll have them won't you?'... cue nodding in agreement as of course we never expected 'anything to happen'.

I think since the opportunity exists to discuss this in advance, it should be discussed. You never know how the father will react if it's not discussed and she passes away, he could very well whisk the children away to his home and have them in a new life before you know it. We have to watch this happen in our situation, as out hands are tied with his parental responsibility.

Kayalana99

My Ex went through this so to speak but he was the brother of the child being left, in the end he looked after his brother as his father couldn't handle him but was happy to visit.

Have you spoke to the father ? Does he want the children full time?

Mojisola

Dal_Whinnie wrote: »

Background -

• Mother and father are divorced
• Children (aged 8-13) live with mother
• Father has unrestricted access to children
• Father lives in a different part of country to mother
• Mother lives near her parents
• Mother has cancer

The question I have is what would normally happen to the children should the worst happen and mother doesn't survive the cancer. She considers that they would be better staying with her parents and continuing at current schools rather than moving to be with their father.

Dal_Whinnie wrote: »

I don't think he would but I should add that even if he did the mother is concerned that this would not be in their best interest

If the children have regular contact with their grandparents, it would be very hard for them to lose their mother and then be taken away from home, grandparents, friends and school in one move.

If there are specific reasons why the mother thinks that it wouldn't be good for the children to live with their father (and as he currently has unrestricted access to them, can he be that bad?), she could talk the situation through with social services.

securityguy

Dal_Whinnie wrote: »

I don't think he would but I should add that even if he did the mother is concerned that this would not be in their best interest

But if he has shared parental responsibility, then it is for practical purposes (assuming he's not a serial killer) not possible to override his wishes. This is a variation on the "my grandchild is being kept from me" situation: grand parents only get access, never mind residence, over the wishes of people with PR under the most extreme of circumstances. The mother can't appoint her parents as guardians over the head of the children's father, again, excluding some extreme scenarios. She can appoint the grandparents as trustees for life insurance money and other assets, which might provide some leverage, but might not.

Her only option is to discuss this, in detail, with the children's father, no matter how hard that is for her. Without his agreement, the grandparents have no rights. No rights including, without a messy court dispute, access. In then situation you describe, the father could move the children to where he lives and completely cut the mother's parents off. The mother presumably wouldn't want this to happen, so has to try to get his agreement as to what will happen. That agreement isn't enforceable other than morally, but that might be enough.

onlyroz

I would have thought that unless there were concerns about abuse the children would be better off with their father.

Mojisola

securityguy wrote: »

But if he has shared parental responsibility, then it is for practical purposes (assuming he's not a serial killer) not possible to override his wishes.

Her only option is to discuss this, in detail, with the children's father, no matter how hard that is for her. Without his agreement, the grandparents have no rights. No rights including, without a messy court dispute, access. In then situation you describe, the father could move the children to where he lives and completely cut the mother's parents off. The mother presumably wouldn't want this to happen, so has to try to get his agreement as to what will happen. That agreement isn't enforceable other than morally, but that might be enough.

Discussion is the best way to go. Perhaps the father would agree to the children staying in the area until the end of the school year, with him being there every weekend, so that they can have the support of their friends and grandparents in the early days after Mum's death?

The reality is that he is now and still will be their parent and, baring some serious problems, will have control over their lives.

Gavin83

What exactly is her issue with the father looking after the children full time?