Should I tackle her and how?

thorsoak

First of all, condolences on the death of your father. Secondly, if your cousin has not been in touch with your mother for 13 years, then your mother should not get upset at refusing her money.

As the others have said, be there and you hand over the money - and say goodbye - that's all. No point in getting upset at someone who hasn't been in touch for 13 years.

Mojisola

FatVonD wrote: »

My dad died in December and one of my cousins, who my mum hadn't seen for 13 years, came to stay with my mum on the week of the funeral.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

If it were a friend then neither would I but this being family I think a little, but firm, diplomacy is required.

I'd be more diplomatic if this was a friend than a relative who hadn't been seen since 2000!

mountainofdebt

Mojisola wrote: »

I'd be more diplomatic if this was a friend than a relative who hadn't been seen since 2000!

I know what you mean.

I'm just coming from the angle that relations with associated family members (if that makes any sense) could be strained if this cousin decides to go around telling half truths.

We've got exactly that situation in our family simply because (we suspect) that a family member is being told one thing and they are telling other family members an exaggerated version which caused bad un-necessary feeling,

of course if 'associated' family members know what this cousin is capable of then yes, it would be all gloves off

Tanswell88

What is it when people die the leeches come out the woodwork?!

When my dad died last year one of my mums brothers started asking to borrow money and started using dirty tactics to try get her to agree (would bleed poverty etc) in the end my mum just told him that it was in a savings account that she couldn't touch as it was for when she died.

I wanted to say something to them as I felt like he was trying to prey on my mum when she was at her most vunerable but my mum didnt want me too.

What does your mum think FVD?

jaylee3

God this is bad Don't let her have a penny!

marisco_2

It is natural and lovely that you wish to look out for your mum. Personally I don't think you have any need to make it clear to your cousin, that you are aware she tried to take advantage of your mum when she was emotionally vulnerable. Your mum saw through her and has handled the situation admirably. I doubt this woman would be daft enough to try her luck again, and has only succeeded in showing her true colours and making a fool of herself. I am sorry for your loss. You sound like a close and loving family who are helping each other through what must be a difficult time.

FatVonD

Thanks all, I'm not a great lover of confrontation and didn't know how heavy handed to be if I did broach it but on the other hand I kind of feel like not saying something could be perceived as a sign of weakness (she is very bold and brassy while I am naturally quite shy though if annoyed my shyness goes out of the window!)

I called my mum earlier and checked whether she has broached the subject of the £1,000 again (she arrived last night and is staying until Sunday which is when I will see her) and she hasn't so hopefully she has got the message. I know my mum is annoyed she asked and I think the only reason she offered the £200 was because she regretted giving her the handbag when she said she'd like it (my mum was offering to buy her something, she meant a jumper or something but cousin said she would like this particular bag.)

marisco_2

FatVonD wrote: »

I kind of feel like not saying something could be perceived as a sign of weakness

A dignified silence, whilst being an obvious supportive presence, is more powerful than having the last word on the subject.

maman

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't see the need to be subtle about it.

mountainofdebt wrote: »

If it were a friend then neither would I but this being family I think a little, but firm, diplomacy is required.

marisco wrote: »

A dignified silence, whilst being an obvious supportive presence, is more powerful than having the last word on the subject.

I think marisco's right. Friends or family, be dignified and maintain the moral high ground.


fvd, it's great that you are supporting your mum but she sounds as if she's perfectly capable of handling the situation herself. She's made a gesture by buying back the bag (if it was me I'd give it back to your mum for free). She probably did want it but I'm guessing that paying £200 was to make up for not giving the £1 000.


Hopefully all will go smoothly tomorrow and you won't hear from her for another 14 years!

Spirit_2

Some time ago a cousin with whom she had only occassional contact, emailed my recently bereaved sister with a sob story, and a request for financial assistance.

She emailed back to suggest their email account had been hacked as she had received *copy email* and knew that they would not treat her as gullible or vulnerable.

No more was heard.

There are some chancers out there.