Should I tackle her and how?

FatVonD

My dad died in December and one of my cousins, who my mum hadn't seen for 13 years, came to stay with my mum on the week of the funeral.

I didn't trust her motives but gave her the benefit of the doubt and she was privy to a lot of financial talk about pensions/savings etc.

Since leaving she has called my mum and asked to borrow £1,000. My mum said no and that all her finances were going through me but has offered to give her £200 in return for her returning something my mum gifted to her. She is coming to return/collect it this weekend.

Should I tell her I have her number and if so how should I approach it?

Tiglath

Sorry to hear about your Dad. What does your Mum say? Sounds like the returned gift in exchange for £200 should be the end of the matter. All your Mum needs to say is speak to FvD, and you just say No when she tries to scrounge directly from you. If she keeps pestering your Mum after the initial exchange, then is your time to get involved - contact her and tell her in no uncertain terms to back off.

GobbledyGook

I would just be there when she comes this weekend and make a point of being the one that gives the £200. That way she should know that getting money from your Mum isn't an option.

tattycath

It's a difficult one. I honestly don't know how you'd approach it. Tact and diplomacy aren't something I'm particularly good at.
I would be tempted to tell her that it's the height of bad manners to ask someone who has recently been bereaved/is in a vulnerable position, for money-be it a loan or otherwise.

Person_one

Don't get into a big row, just be aware of what's going on.

It sounds like your mum 'has her number' too and is capable of saying no to demands for money.

Is the item she's buying back worth £200?

mrcow

Some people really are just quite revolting.

Be there when she turns up and make it clear that you are fully aware of the situation and will be aware of any further contact as well.

I'd even be tempted to raise the question of the £1000 and just reiterate that it won't be forthcoming.

Your mother is in a very vunerable place. I don't blame you for wanting to defend her.

balletshoes

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I would just be there when she comes this weekend and make a point of being the one that gives the £200. That way she should know that getting money from your Mum isn't an option.

this is what i would do too - it shows your cousin that you know whats going on, without you having to say anything.

mountainofdebt

Actually I'd be curious about how the matter of 'buying back the gift' came about as well - I can't imagine how the idea was raised unless it was a matter of having the cousin emotionally blackmailing FVD's mum in same way. I also wonder whether it is something that the cousin is hoping will be re-gifted back to her at some point in the near future.

But I think its important that FVD is there and involved in the conversation - if only to tell the cousin in a subtle way to back off.

Mojisola

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Actually I'd be curious about how the matter of 'buying back the gift' came about as well - I can't imagine how the idea was raised unless it was a matter of having the cousin emotionally blackmailing FVD's mum in same way. I also wonder whether it is something that the cousin is hoping will be re-gifted back to her at some point in the near future.

But I think its important that FVD is there and involved in the conversation - if only to tell the cousin in a subtle way to back off.

I don't see the need to be subtle about it.

theoretica

I agree- make sure you are the one handing over the money, and add a written receipt making it clear the item is now your mums and the money hers. Just keeping things straight as it isn't your money (as you say) and making it clear to her that money is not sloshing around carelessly.

mountainofdebt

Mojisola wrote: »

I don't see the need to be subtle about it.

If it were a friend then neither would I but this being family I think a little, but firm, diplomacy is required.