Coping with peope who have wronged you

reheat

I find it helps me to realise we each have all sort of different facets to our nature ~ what makes us Us. And given what happened to you and how you were treated, some part of you has every right to feel very hurt and very angry and very unforgiving. But another part of you wants to move on, and that is very right too. Part of being fair to yourself (that is so important by the way) is to recognise these aspects within you, and their right to feel how they do. Sometimes realising just this can then help you see/feel how better to move on.

This sort of approach also helps me deal with other people. Most folks are made of a pretty obvious mix of traits, good & bad, and we don't really have to think much about whther we want to know them or not. But some folks are really confusing, seem to have some stuff we really like/love, and other stuff we really don't! The only way I've ever managed to deal with such a person is to imagine them as Siamese twins, one has all the good stuff the other has all the bad ~ and they can never be separated. A person is a package deal, the closer you get to them the less you can cherry-pick. So you have to fathom how you are going to deal with these twins ~ put them out of your life completely? ... do what little you can for the good one (from a distance maybe) whilst protecting yourself from the bad? ... something else?

People are complicated, I find this helps me simplify just a little the complexity that is me and the complexity that is others

elaine373

EmmaLi wrote: »

Sorry this isn't money sav9ing but this has been playing on my mind for a while and I wondered if anyone could offer any words of wisdom.

It's a long story but the basic nuts and bolts are: 10 years ago when I was 17 I lost my boyfriend in a road accident and went through a period of deep depression. M, who I knew through a hobby of mine, was 22. She appeared to support me but I found out that she had deliberately spread rumours about me and caused me a lot of problems. I've never known why and never had the chance to put my side forward to the people she lied to. She did try to contact me through Freinds Reunited about 18 months ago but I didn't respond. A few weeks back I saw her in a shop by chance and I'm still so angry that it' still bothering me now.

I don't want to be like this but I don't know how to deal with it. Has anyone got any suggestions what to do?

TIA,
Em

I can relate to this as i am the sort of person who doesnt forgive things easily. If you are sure she did this and you only see her once or twice every ten years then i would leave things as they are. I personally dont see the point in raking up things if you are 99.9% sure she did what the above says. Who cares why she did it. You needed her at a dreadful time in your life and she let you down. Only if you believe it may not be as you first thought shouLD you bother contacting her.( my opinion only.)

EmmaLi

Elaine,

There is no way I could mistake what she did. She actually told a load of lies about me to the person who is now my husband that meant that when we first met he tried not to have anything to do with me.

The other thing is I largely gave up a hobby I loved, which I would like to go back to, to avoid her. I know that she still goes to the same place and that is another problem.

kelloggs36

Forget her. Regardless of her reasons, is it likely that she will tell you the truth? Even if she does, how will you know that she IS telling the truth? As for those who believed her, their loss.

I had this with an ex who accused me of sending vindictive texts to him which I didn't do. I was so upset and angry that he could think that of me but he wouldn't talk to me at all. I have concluded that it is HIS problem and those in my life who know me know that I wouldn't do that, and they are true friends.

Let it go and move on.

asea

you have nothing to fear as you've told no lies.. she will be scared as she knows she is in the wrong. try to remember this & hopefully you'll feel a little more empowered by it & less intimidated by seeing her. the fact that you are married to your husband & she told him lies even before he met you shows how the truth wins out & she has no integrity

RadoJo

I am another one who finds myself unable to forgive incidents from my past where the other person has shown no remorse or awareness of the impact of their actions/words.

If this person has alluded to the things she did to you, it must be because she feels bad - why else would she bring it up? In which case imagine how you would feel if you knew you had treated someone badly, and had never resolved the issue - the only person with the power to let you off the hook is the person you wronged ie you.

What I am trying to say is that you now have all the power - she is obviously aware that she has treated you badly, but as far as she is concerned you are the only one who can relieve her of the burden of what she has done. If you think of it from her point of view, you will realise that she now needs you to absolve her, giving you the chance to be the bigger person, and someone mature and nice enough to let go of the things she did to you in the past.

I would ask her about the incident, but make it clear that you are only after clarification, not another fight. My guess would be that she will apologise profusely and beg for your forgiveness, and then you will not only have your explanation, but the satisfaction of knowing that it has played on her mind as well over the years and didn't just shrug it off (which seems to be the main thing that is annoying you - that she never really had to account for her actions - hope I have understood!).

Hope this helps - I know it is easy to say, but at least you can contact her by e-mail which gives you a chance to really compose yourself, think about what you want to say, and make sure that you get someone like your husband to check it before you send to make sure that it is an accurate reflection of your feelings and not a mad rant!!

Good luck - keep us posted...

reheat

RadoJo wrote: »

I am another one who finds myself unable to forgive incidents from my past where the other person has shown no remorse or awareness of the impact of their actions/words.

It's not only forgiveness, just plain simple self-preservation. Lack of remorse/awareness is a big big warning flag about a person. And even if you can forgive someone you may still need/want to keep clear of them. If someone says "why can't you forgive me?", they sometimes assume forgiveness automatically means going back to how things were ~ but not necessarily so.

RadoJo wrote: »

If this person has alluded to the things she did to you, it must be because she feels bad - why else would she bring it up?

Depends how bad they really are. The baddest of bad will say anything to achieve what they want. Makes it a very difficult judgement call 'cos there's lots of other folks made genuine mistakes and want to put them right. Just have to listen to your instincts.

reheat

kelloggs36 wrote: »

Forget her. Regardless of her reasons, is it likely that she will tell you the truth? Even if she does, how will you know that she IS telling the truth?

That's the real tragedy. Trust is a wonderful thing in all kinds of relationships, and can survive a lot of knocks. But once it gets to the point where you can't trust anything someone says, no matter how genuine-sounding and impassioned ... what point is there? Thankfully very very few people are this bad, but the few there are can do a lot of harm. I think of trust like an ember in a fire, so long as a tiny spark is left there's always the chance it can be rekindled; but if (the 'if' is the hard bit to suss) it really has gone out you have to recognise it and move on.

It's so very difficult though, 'cos if someone truly is remorseful and trying to make amends you might be more inclined to forgive them, albeit possibly still keep your distance.

ceridwen

We all meet people like this somewhere along the line unfortunately - part of "life's rich tapestry" as some people would say. Just console yourself with "what goes around comes around" - I have actually seen so many instances of this - ie someone behaving badly and, at some point, something happens to them that feels like appropriate "punishment" shall we call it. You don't have to do a thing - good or bad behaviour alike - both get their appropriate reward some time. Being human - its quite gratifying I find if one can be around to witness it - quite often one is.
Good deeds also tend to reap an appropriate "reward" somewhere along the line. I have seen that myself too - as in someone I know who is always helping people out and seeing the best in them recently needed some help themselves - and people were virtually queuing to give it.

amandada

I'm reading this thread with interest....I had a similar situation recently where the person involved had been spreading lies about me via an internet forum, I went to try to sort it out face to face with her. She completely lost the plot with me, shouting and swearing whilst I didn't even raise my voice.
The upshot was that she called the police after I'd left and told them a pack of lies, including that I'd threatened to beat her up!!!! I found myself in the position of having to speak with the police about it, meanwhile she was still posting her vile lies on a forum.
I have chosen not to respond to it, on the basis that I KNOW what the truth is, and don't feel a need to defend myself to people who would rather have the gossip value of her lies.

It's very hard, but every day I have to tell myself that I know the truth, and it's certainly not her version of events.

I too believe in karma, no one can be that nasty in life and there be no repercussions.

Whatever you do, I would advise caution