Coping with peope who have wronged you

EmmaLi

Sorry this isn't money sav9ing but this has been playing on my mind for a while and I wondered if anyone could offer any words of wisdom.

It's a long story but the basic nuts and bolts are: 10 years ago when I was 17 I lost my boyfriend in a road accident and went through a period of deep depression. M, who I knew through a hobby of mine, was 22. She appeared to support me but I found out that she had deliberately spread rumours about me and caused me a lot of problems. I've never known why and never had the chance to put my side forward to the people she lied to. She did try to contact me through Freinds Reunited about 18 months ago but I didn't respond. A few weeks back I saw her in a shop by chance and I'm still so angry that it' still bothering me now.

I don't want to be like this but I don't know how to deal with it. Has anyone got any suggestions what to do?

TIA,
Em

Justie

letting go is an active choice of will and takes lots of effort (and often repeating the same things). There are several ways of doing it - one is to use visualisation and imagine putting the hurt and anger in a box that you then lock and put on a shelf and leave well alone - this is you putting those thoughts away from you so that you eventually don't accept those feelings anymore and can move on. The other way is to deal with the underlying issues through counselling - this is a good option long term and may be useful in dealing with any issues of grief you still feel - CRUSE is a good place to start or see if your GP will refer you for some sessions.

In the end carrying hurt and negativity will hinder you so please try and sort it out one way or another.

Oh and try not to keep going over her bad behaviour it just reinforces in your mind your right to be annoyed and stops you from moving on.


Good luck with it all it's not easy.

Sus1e

If I wanted to find out why she did it, I would send her a reply (assuming she emailed you) saying that you are upset because of x,y and z. Ask her if it is true that she did that, if so, did she know the affect and why did she do it knowing how much it would hurt you? I would explain the lasting affect it has had and ask what she suggests you do to get past it.

Or alternatively, you could just ignore it and her - if a friend did that, then she obviously wasn't a good enough friend and you deserved better especially given what you were going through at the time.

zebidee1

I can relate to this as I often find it hard to move on and forget things. I do think it's one of my character flaws but hey, I've got loads of good points too so what the heck - it just means I'm well balanced! :rotfl:

I like what justie suggested about the box (but then I think I'd end up mentally giving it the evils every time I 'virtually' passed it, iyswim. I'd not really be letting go, I'd just be storing it in a box .)

Anyway, I've learnt over the years, for my own peace of mind, I HAVE to tackle the issue and once I've spoken about it or dealt with it or even just got my side across if it's not something that can be resolved, then I am more able to let go.

Sometimes it doesn't win me any friends, as most people prefer to sweep things under the carpet or let them die down without tackling them and I'm sure they don't much like it when I have to say my bit. We all have to be true to ourselves though and be comfortable in our own skin so I still do it anyway. Then once done, I take a deep breath and move on.

I think you may well find your friend can't even recall the incidents you remember so vividly as they probably weren't all that important to her but you seem unable to let go, so deal with it. You're an adult now and it's perfectly acceptable to say ' this has bothered me since (whenever) and I've never understood why it happened, can you talk about it with me please?'

Alternatively, if you can't bring yourself to approach her, you could see the situation differently and remember her as immature and gossipy and feel sorry that she probably needed to act like that in order to feel important.

Don't focus on what she did, see her in a different light, it does help.



If that doesn't work....you could always put up a post on Friends Reunited telling everyone about your memories of her losing her knickers round the back of the bike shed with the boys. :rotfl:

(I was joking about that last bit....don't do that.....you'll get sued or something, then you'll be back here needing financial advice next. Can you tell I have time on my hands this afternoon?????)

EmmaLi

I typed a reply and it disappeared.

Thanks for cheering me up Zebidee. I'd end up giving the box evils as well. I'm not good at dealing with conflict - largely due to the fact that I still have problems with depression and anxiety. I know hanging on to all this only harms me but I don't know any way of dealing with it.

She does rememeber it as her email alluded to it and did suggest that she felt some remorse. I didn't reply as I was so angry that she had dared to contact me. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and do it.

zebidee1

Talk about it with her then. Don't accuse or get angry or put her on the defensive (not for her sake but for yours, you need this to be over with not for it to escalate into some huge ruck years later). Calmly tell her how you feel.

What's the worst that can happen? If she doesn't want to discuss it or gets uptight about it, then you're no worse off than you were before. At least you will have crossed one option off the list and you will know you will need to try something else to deal with it.

EmmaLi

I don;t know if I can. I only have to see her to want to give her the hardest slap of her life. Maybe I should stick to email :rotfl:

zebidee1

Ok...scrap all I said. Just slap her and be done with it.:rotfl:

(That's another joke.....don't do that either.....back here looking for a solicitor or legal aid advice next. :rolleyes: )

GreenNinja

EmmaLi wrote: »

I typed a reply and it disappeared.

Thanks for cheering me up Zebidee. I'd end up giving the box evils as well. I'm not good at dealing with conflict - largely due to the fact that I still have problems with depression and anxiety. I know hanging on to all this only harms me but I don't know any way of dealing with it.

She does rememeber it as her email alluded to it and did suggest that she felt some remorse. I didn't reply as I was so angry that she had dared to contact me. Maybe I should just bite the bullet and do it.

I can understand where you are coming from with dealing with this issue. My recommendation is Change your life in seven days by Paul McKenna. There are a lot of useful exercises and techniques in getting rid of negative energy/anger/bad feelings etc and is a very insightful book in my opinion.
:beer:

seven-day-weekend

The only person this is hurting is you.

I also felt like this about someone. In the end I had to forgive them in my heart. This does NOT mean pretending they had done nothing wrong (if they hadn't they wouldn't need forgivness), but it does mean consciously letting go of all the negative thoughts.

There are various ways you can do this. Mine was through prayer; I prayed with a trusred friend of mine and asked God to help me forgive the person, eventually I was able to.

It could also be done with counselling.

Or, if you can manage to put it in a box like another poster has suggested, then make a vow that every time you take the box out and look at it, you will consciously think about something nice instead (have the 'something nice' already in your head so you know what to think about. Eventually the negative thoughts will go away.

I personally would not advocate talking to them about it after all this time, imho it will make things worse as it will bring it all to the front of your mind again.

Good luck.

Bananabelly

Obviously I don't know what her message said, but someone I know that had been bullied at school got a message on Friends Reunited from the bully. It turned out the bully had turned a corner so to speak, and apologised for his behaviour in school, explained that he had been having a very rough time of it though that was no excuse. I think it helped the person who had been bullied move on with things, so it might be worth taking a chance. As the other posters have said, if you explain in an assertive manner how you feel, you may get a lot of closure on that part of your life. She is obviously older now so you would have to hope has assumed a bit more responsibility for her actions.