can you give a toddler too much attention ?

jopsey

thank you all your words of wisdom ,I really do appericiate all the reply's and each and every one has gave me ideas /advice that I have took on board

TBH I think I have ben a bit inconsistent with punishment thinking things will work straight away ,but I suppose it's like training a puppy it dosn't happen overnight.

I must admit last night I did feel like a faliure after loosing my temper and putting him in his room screaming (for his own saftey), but after reading these post's and having an afternoon away from the little terror I am feeling a lot more positive and know it will pass .

Just to add the terror woke up this morning with a giggle and has been an angel all day

Once again thankyou

Elle00

Hiya, it does sound like you're giving too much attention - but only at very particular times! All the positive attention you are giving your son is a lovely way to give him a good start in life and as long as spells of playing on his own are included in his day (even occasional 20min spells is sufficient) then you are not doing wrong in giving all the positive attention to him.

The important thing in my opinion is that tantrums are short-lived - you have to appreciate you really can't stop them altogether, only reduce their impact and duration until they grow up a little!

Please do not hit your child; it will just teach your child that when people don't do what we want them to do, we hit them. I did hand slapping over DS repeatedly chucking his dinner on the floor a while back and he started doing this crazy thing slapping his own hands up and down really fast whenever he didn't like his dinner from then on - he was hitting himself and still whacking the dinner everywhere in the process. I no longer hand slap and have gone back to my original principal of it is never okay to hit children. I respect my friend's choice to smack her child of the same age because you have to respect people's individual parenting choices - I don't agree with it though and that's my parenting choice. My ex-husband hits people out of anger as second nature and I'd rather set a better example for my child. I realised in hitting my child I was teaching him that is how we handle anger and frustration and he still wouldn't eat his dinner so what was being achieved by doing it?

I resolved the situation in this instance by getting him down from the table whenever he started and removing his dinner - and myself - from the room. He soon started eating his dinner in place of having a tantrum. I mean what was the point if he still didn't get a pudding in place of dinner and wound up hungry? I did of course let him have his dinner back after 2 minutes for another try because of his age and I have a "three big mouthfuls" rule for getting a pudding which is thoroughly understood and usually reluctantly complied with through the sniffles when he plays up. I also explain why I'm doing what I'm doing (like we have to eat dinner to be big and strong and clever) because my constant question as a miserable child was "but WHY Mum?" and there's no need to dictate to your kids like their some kind of inconvience who have to obey you without question! We're supposed to guide and nurture our children not rule them. If you don't explain to your child why they need to do something, or not do something as the case might be, how will they properly learn when to give in and when to fight their corner in life?

With other tantrums, like "pay attention to me" or "I want to go this way", I look him in the eyes with a not-bothered-look, shrug and say "pft, I don't think much of that behaviour" and walk away. If he whinges I ask him to please calm down and can he think of a word to use instead? In this instance if he can't he will take my hand and show me instead of whinging now. A month ago his tantrums lasted anything up to 3 or 4 minutes but already they are down to 10 - 20 second outbursts and he's not even 2 yet! He still cannot prevent these outbursts when he doesn't get what he wants because he is young and still learning how to handle emotion but he also quickly realises when he's done it that it achieves nothing and stops. Honestly, he cries and screams on the floor for 20 seconds then jumps up, rubs his eyes and carries on with his business. On occasion he lashes out at me (grr at ex) but in using the same technique as above he is also recognising that this is not acceptable behaviour either and is showing remorse even at this young age. He will go and get his favourite teddy to offer me a kiss usually which I think is his way of saying sorry. If I lose my temper and snap or shout occasionally I always say sorry and give him a kiss saying "I'm sorry, Mummy is wrong to behave like that" and I think that's important. Obviously never losing my temper would be better but who's perfect?!

The premise is simple, if there's no point having a paddy they will not waste their energy having major ones and stop almost as soon as they start. They will still have them for some time because they're acting on their natural instincts. Our job as a parent is to teach them better ways to deal with their emotions and this lesson will take time to learn the same as walking and talking did.

The only time you should restrain a child in a tantrum is if they are having an emotionally overwhelmed tantrum. What that means is if they are scared, upset or worried. In those cases they need a tight cuddle and sympathy. But when the tantrum is to get attention or protest against doing what they've been asked, then you should look them in the eye (maybe kneel down?), tell them that's not the kind of behaviour you expect or that no-one is going to pay attention to that awful behaviour etc and then completely ignore them until they are prepared to behave in an acceptable manner. As soon as they realise it gets them nowhere, the tantrums will become outbursts rather than full-blown paddies.

amber497

ahhhh the age old toddler tantrums lol. I seem to have a boy who either has super days or days from hell. Its the whining that gets to me - on and on and on. Like that advert where the kids repeat can i have a rabbit - except my toddler whines it lol

good luck to all those battling toddlers

kit

I too have a two year old that can turn in to a little nightmare when having a tantrum!
I find that turning her attention to something else helps - if she is stood (or lead!) screaming in a shop I will say something like "wow, look what I've found" or "did you just see that flying pig". Doesnt work all the time but it does help.

I also find that letting her have some freedom to make her own decisions helps too. For example, she is currently sleeping on her bedroom floor and has done for the past 3 nights. The first night I tried to get her to sleep in her bed rather than the floor and got a tantrum....... when I thought about I realised that I had no reason to stop her sleeping on the floor - what harm can it do?!?!

Good luck. Its hard when they play up but its great when they thank you.

Raksha

Funny you should make that puppy training reference........ I've been using the same techniques for my kids as I use for the puppies and dogs I train - like you, ignore the bad/unwanted behaviour (they aren't being 'bad' on purpose, they just don't know the rules yet), distract from what you can't ignore - (get them to do a 'good thing' and reward that) and give them plenty of chance to earn your attention/reward - so when you are desperate to get on with something, give him a small thing to do, and praise/reward him frequently when he's working well independantly. So often toddlers discover that by getting it 'wrong' they can get your attention. By not letting them get to that stage, they learn the opposite - that amusing themselves gets your attention.And as you've already said - you must be consistent, or the child (or dog) gets confused.