can you give a toddler too much attention ?

jopsey

sorry if this is a silly question but at the moment I am going through hell with my 2 year old:eek: .
He can communicate really well and I have been told by his nursery teacher he is advanced on his vocabulary and development for his age so I don't think that is an issue.

I have read various threads/books about the terrible two's ,the jist of it is to reward the good behavior and ignore the bad which I have always

I sometimes wonder if I /we give him too much attention he is an only child I am a first time SAHM , we go to activities every day eg swimming,playgroups,storytime ect ,which while he is there is fine his bad behaviour happens if im trying to do something eg cooking,shopping,cleaning which I always try to engage him in or if he can't do something he want's to do it also seems to get worse when he isn't feeling too well or tired.

Another question I have is read about the naughty chair/corner ,I have tried this but have to physically restrain him there while he lashes out, am I doing the right thing by doing that ?

He use to only throw the odd tantrum and only while we were at home which I could distract but they are getting worse and he looks so angry and acts so violent ,today while we were out shopping he tipped his buggy upside down and was ramming it into people I had to wrestle with him to get it back ,he is so strong when he throws one of his strop's , I had to physically push him in the buggy (nearly 3 stone )while a lovely:A middle aged lady held the pram for me ,as the usual people go past tutting making you feel more of a bad mother than you already feel.

Sorry for the long rant but I just don't know what to do I have tried the nicley calmly talking approach ,the slapping of the wrist approach,the ignore bad behaviour nothing seems to be working .

When he isn't having these hissy fits he is a lovely polite little boy who people can't belive is capable of this type of behaviour

Savvy_Sue

They're all different ... and only you know your child. But personally, when mine were OTT as you've described, I would tell them VERY firmly, VERY clearly (and quite loudly sometimes!) that this behaviour was NOT acceptable and it was to STOP, NOW! Would also talk to them afterwards and say that it wasn't on to behave like that, and if they did that again we would not be able to do something they liked.

That can be useful if they throw a strop somewhere like the supermarket, you can't avoid the supermarket for ever, but if you say that "we cannot go to swimming if you cannot behave at the supermarket, because we cannot have you behaving like that at swimming, so you must show me that you know how to behave."

Sometimes if you spot it coming on you can get out and use distraction techniques. And if you spot it coming on on the way to something they want to do, then you warn that "we are not going to the park if you carry on like that".

I didn't find the naughty chair a great deal of help, or ignoring the bad behaviour, or even praising the good (because DS1 for example would just say "I'm not being good!") And you can't hold things against them for ever, but to my mind a bright two year old CAN be told what is and isn't acceptable.

Plus he can be asked to say sorry afterwards ... it may take a while, but if I insisted my eldest apologised for something, he rarely did it again!

seven-day-weekend

Does anyone these days think you should punish bad behaviour rather than simply ignore it? If your child draws all over the walls, for example, I think it should be made perfectly plain that it is not acceptable, even by a slap on the hand if they won't listen to reason (and lots won't).

And I really don't think that telling a two-year-old they won't be able to do something three days hence is much of a deterrent - it's too long a gap, they won't associate it with their bad behaviour.

Naughty chairs never worked for my son either.

All I found I could do was remove him from the situation that was making him kick off and wait until he'd calmed down. I even used to put him to bed as a punishment (PC Brigade take note). At least that way we distanced ourselves from each other, and we would both calm down. It stopped me killing him!

I don't know quite honestly what I would have done about the pushchair incident, other than wish the ground would swallow me up. I think I'd just have bundled him out of the shop any way I could, just to get away from the situation!

It's awful having a toddler in a tantrum. So embarrassing.It is sometimes difficult to know what to do.

ailuro2

Well, not really too much attention, but you do need to teach them to play by themselves too, for the reasons you mentioned. If he is used to being by your side of course he's going to complain when his best friend (you) leaves to do something more grown up.

Colouring in, playdoh if you trust him not to eat it, sticklebricks (easy to do alone) for when you can't let him join in-some things aren't for young boys, and tell him why. If he's bright he'll take it on board.Making fish and chips for a shopkeepers game will keep him occupied- newspaper to make hand-torn fish and chips.
'Peg boy' (we used to shout on peg girl,we implied the washing couldn't stay on the line without her) for hanging up washing makes him feel useful.

A clean damp cloth with no chemicals on it can be used for him to clean the bottom cupboard doors in the kitchen while you clean the worktops etc. Praise his efforts,obviously,and accept that bad behaviour ,if dealt with correctly, is only a phase.:D

Becles

My youngest used to have tantrums where he would lash out and kick or hit things. I would grab him and just hold him until he calmed down.

If you sit down, sit with your legs apart and pull them in facing you. Trap their legs between your legs to stop kicking and cross your arms round their back and hold their arms between shoulder and elbow. Don't speak or make eye contact. Once he realised he couldn't fight, he'd go limp and start crying and apologise. I'd loosen my grip and turn it into a cuddle and we'd chat about why it was naughty to have tantrums.

If we were out and about, I used to tip him on his side with my arm round his waist and carry him on my hip. His little arms and legs would be going and he would be screaming, and I just wander along completely ignoring him. He soon realised he wasn't going to get any attention, and when he calmed down, I put him back down and again had a chat about behaviour. You get some really evil looks off other people if you do this though. I would have done this if I'd been in the buggy situation above.

Things will settle in time OP - it's just very testing at times this parenting lark!

anonymousie

You don't want me to say this, but remember this will pass!

Two year olds are egocentric little beings, they have no idea that you have anything other than them to attend to! Don't lent your sons excellent vocbulary etc fool you into thinking he has maturity beyond his chronological age.

A few things that migh thelp behaviour are a review of what he heats/drinks and making sure he gets enough sleep.

After that, find a behaviour management scheme that suits you (and don't be swayed by other opinions, you will have to live with it!) be it "Toddler taming" (Dr Christopher Green- in vogue when mine were small and helped) or any or the harsh but fair supernanny type things, or the "touchy feely" type of dcipline that fall outside the trad mould completley.

Settle on a scheme that suits and be utterly, totally dedicated and consistent in the way you manage behaviour. Your DH has to be 100% on board too. If you hug through a tantrum that must always happen and if you choose to shut thedoor and ignore that needs to be consistent too.

Looking back as an "oldie" (children are 8,11 and near 14). I really don't think with toddler management the actual strategy matter much at all! Don't work on anything that suggsts delayed reward or punishment- again two year olds are so much "right now" people that it isn't going to be so helpful I feel.

amandada

I agree with them learning to play by themselves. I don't mean to leave them to their own devices all the time, but children need to learn that your duty in life is not to act as their entertainment!
I'm going to stick my neck out and say that I think that organised activities every day can be a rod for your own back. I appreciate the need to get out of the house, but do you have any friends with children of a similar age who you can invite round for coffee? The children are unlikely to play together, but it helps them learn to socialise and share (and will save you some money too!)
I'm with the "helping" around the house too-as long as you're lavish with praise you can pretty much just let them get on with it.
The naughty step doesn't always work for every child, but yours sounds like my son was at a similar age. I persevered with it, and had to restrain him onto it, and eventually he did get the message-the whole thing was a power struggle. If you let them get off it when they kick off, it sends the wrong message to them.
I don't smack the children, mainly because with my daughter there wasn't the need, and with my son it had absolutely no effect on him! I work with "3 strikes and you're out". Basically they'll be told off the first time, reminded the second, and punished the third. The punishment is "there and then" so it's quite clear to them what they're being punished for.
I'm probably quite old fashioned in my parenting, I totally disagree with the "child centred" thing, it's more that they are treated as part of a family of 4, but that WE are the parents, and whilst certain aspects of life revolve around them i,e, I go out to work at night so I'm here during the day, and after school, my every second is not spend catering to the demands of children.

I must sound like a complete harridan, but really I'm not! The children's school/nursery reports always say how well balanced, considerate and confident they are, and that doesn't come from nowhere!

Don't feel bad about dealing with him when he's kicking off when you're out and about, I find at smiling sickeningly sweetly at anyone who looks or mutters disapprovingly has the effect of completely embarassing them:rotfl:

wendym

It doesn't seem to be mentioned much nowadays that a lot of this behaviour is unavoidable, as it's a developmental stage. Up to the age of about 2, a child does not know it is a separate being from its mother. This changes around 2, and the child has to adjust to being a separate person. So you'll just have to ride some of it out, and regard it as a stage, rather like teething. This is not to say it's easy - I still feel tense when I remember carrying a rigid-with-fury child the length of the cathedral, with her father trying to conduct a choir at the front.

I do think, as a separate issue, that a bit of calm 'constructive boredom' is a good thing, and that there seems to be a fashion at the moment for constant activity. One of the advantages of being a SAHM is that you don't need to cram things into too little time, and can 'waste' a day pottering at home.

He's only just old enough for it (whatever it says on the box) but Duplo is great. They've cut the range, and it's expensive new, but I've had some triumphs from Ebay for my granddaughters.

Pink_butterfly_3

amandada wrote: »

I agree with them learning to play by themselves. I don't mean to leave them to their own devices all the time, but children need to learn that your duty in life is not to act as their entertainment!
I'm going to stick my neck out and say that I think that organised activities every day can be a rod for your own back.

Yes, very well said.

My neighbour has two kids that she feels the need to entertain CONSTANTLY. I mean theres not a second where they are not doing some sort of planned activity. Which is great in itself, but it now means that she can't do anything else. If they are not being entertained for a second they immediately turn into little monsters. They haven't learned how to entertain themselves.

Kids enjoy structured activities but they also need 'Free play' where they choose their own activities and get on with it.

I know its a cliche but i'm sure all two year olds go through these phases at some point. My two year old can be an angel most of the time but she can also be a bloody monster who makes me have to take deep breaths to stop me from losing my temper!

mrsbez_2

i'm with you on this one. my daughter is 2 1/2 and has suddenly started to be really naughty.
Everyone sees her as a polite lovely little girl and i must say that she is on the whole a wonderful daughter.
I am a SAHM with a new son who is 3 months, which up until now she has dealt with very well. We don't do planned activities every day, but i try and do things with her at home and we see her friends twice a week.
I find the naughty behaviour coincides with when she's tired and bored, of course she is refusing to go to bed at the moment which is a viscious circle.
I am hoping it is a phase as i will be pulling my hair out soon. Luckily she is very good when we're out, but if she starts hitting her little brother:eek: i tend to whisk her away to her bedroom.(kicking and screaming!)
I am wondering whether my daughter needs a couple of sessions at nursery as she seems to need more than i can do with her. I was hoping to hold off until she gets her free place at 3.
Mind you, we have had some positive fun time today, dancing and painting and that seems to have helped.
I hope things get better for you soon!:j

TheWaltons_3

My almost 2 year old frequently throws tantrums and it depends where we are, as to how we deal with it.

If it's at meal times, we wil distract her by saying... 'shhhh the bears in the Woods can hear you.. can you hear them?' - she can see the trees from her booster chair at the table and this always works - it never fails

If we're in a shop and she's screaming, we just simply leave her in her pram and ignore it - I don't care who thinks what. Whatever you do will raise eyebrows and comments from passers by -we don't all share the same views on how to discipline children.

If it's bed time, she gets a kiss and cuddle and GOES TO BED! No more fuss after this.

If it's at home we just ignore her again, leave her on the floor and let her calm down. When she has calmed down, she gets fussed and can play with us again.

I won't cuddle her when she's having a Tantrum no way, and I wont smack her either. She soon learns after 10 minutes - and believe me she can scream for 10 minutes - that it's not worth it and she'd sooner be playing with the toys!

As for giving a child too much attention, no I don't think you can to be honest. Swimming, walking, reading... it's ALL educational and fun for a toddler.

You praise them when they're good, and ignore them when they're bad. You have just got to be firm and consistent. I find it hard with my hubby, as I will tell my daughter she can't build towers with the baby jars... yet he thinks she's cute and lets her take them from the cupboard and count them. This is inconsistency and we have tantrums because of this. He says YES.. I say NO - she doesn't know where she stands!