How do you know when it is best to end a relationship?

Violet8

Your relationship rang a bell with me. You might not see the similarities but I'll put down my experience anyway.

We met when we were 18/17 respectively. I was at uni, he had just left school and was looking for work. He had moved in with me within 9 months. Remarkably it worked very well!!

However, when I was about 21/22, I started to feel exactly the same as you. We'd lived together for about 3/4 years by this point. I couldn't (and still can't now now I'm thinking about it) put how I was feeling into words which made it hard when talking with him but I did tell him pretty sharpish (impulsive early 20s and all that). We split up but still lived together. Lasted a fortnight, I snapped out of it and we got back together.

A while later, same thing happened again. I must have made his life utter hell as I couldn't explain myself. Exactly the same thoughts as you, being glad when he went out, not wanting to spend time with him particularly etc. Again, we split up and he moved out this time.

This time it lasted a few months. I can't even say I "snapped out of it" as I don't remember a lightbulb moment/seismic shift in feelings, it was almost like I knew I didn't mean it and I stopped faffing around. Again, really really hard for me to put into words. It was like I shut my eyes and turned all my feelings off for a while, there was just nothing there at all. Then I gradually seemed to open them back up. Luckily for me he took me back (patience of a saint). Long story short, after 2 years of living like Men Behaving Badly with 4 mates he moved back in with me permanently. That was almost 5 years ago and we're now married.

I look back on that time (what I can remember of it, was a long time ago) and it is like sharing the memories of a random stranger. I can't fathom what I must have been thinking or what the heck I thought I was doing. The only thing I can think of is that I was going through a huge period of change between the ages of 21-24, and both the times I was having these spells co-incided with huge life events (graduating and starting a brand new career) so as a change hating misanthropic introvert I seemed to react to the stress of it all by pushing everyone away and wanting to be by myself. I didn't have friends from uni and my parents didn't even get much in the way of contact during that period, I was a complete loner.

Again I doubt this has helped but just want to echo the other posters that you're not alone. As the others have said maybe things have just run it's course, but my advice would be to make very very sure, sure as you can be. If things had happened even just slightly differently I'd have let a very precious thing go.

moneysniffer

Your situation sounds a little like one of my past relationships.

We were together for 4 years - we got on really well, enjoyed the same things, nothing was 'wrong'. But I just felt... well, I don't know. I just knew I wasn't totally happy. I felt like this for a good 6 months and just thought there was something wrong with me. Some serious soul searching came up with the answer - I thought I loved him - but I just didn't love him in the way that I felt you should love the person you wanted to spend the rest of your life with. I definitely felt a lot of affection for him - but every time I tried to imagine us getting married, having children, in my mind it didn't click, despite him being the loveliest man on the planet and treating me like a princess every waking moment. His character was all positives, no negatives, but he just wasn't 'the one' for me, no matter how hard I tried to convince myself. Because of that, I didn't want to tell him I was unhappy and try and 'work through it', because he would have desperately tried to save the relationship if he could. I just knew that I wasn't happy, and wasn't going to get happier, no matter what, so I went for a clean break without even trying to 'work through it'. There was no working through the fact my heart said 'no'. I regret the upset that was caused by breaking it off, and have felt a lot of guilt - but I don't regret the decision for an instant.

Sorry, not the most cheerful of stories - but just wanted to add my experience of a similar sort of thing.

Fluff15

Errata and Victory, I am going to bring up the issue of the responsibilities when we speak on Sunday. I understand I am at fault for perhaps allowing to get to the stage where I'm sort of harbouring some resentment. I think it is a fair point to make and I do wish I hadn't let it get to that stage, but typing it out has helped.

Thank you for your stories Violet and Moneysniffer, both similar situations but obviously different outcomes. There's no right way around it but I will be honest with him and see how it goes. I am not sure if I am certain of one want or the other, I think it would be fairest to get his take on the situation too.

Whattodonow

Hi fluff

Similar story with me, been with my other half since I was 18. I felt similarly to you about five years in.

It was a horrible time but, like your OH, he was a good guy and I began to think about what I was preparing to throw away without good reason.

A few month down the line I realised it was not my OH I was dissatisfied with but life in general - my career, friends, where I was living etc and I was projecting this into OH and thinking if I broke up with him life would improve when of course this would not be the case. We are now still together (happily) and i still feel guilty about what I put him through back then.

I just thought i would mention this, as you have not said if you are satisfied with your life outside of the relationship?

Regarding taking responsibility for certain things, I think this happens with all couples, depending on individual strengths. I, like you, am good at organising - paying the bills, booking holidays, etc. he is left to do the DIY, sort the bins...

As long as your OH is taking responsibility for some of how housdhold tasks I think this is ok.

Whattodonow

Also it sounds like you spend a lot of time apart. When was the last time you spent a whole weekend together, or a holiday?

stripey1969

I use to feel that too with my ex - it would go in a cycle of feeling in love with him for a few months, then feeling like I could take or leave him for a few months, then back to being in love again. After many years he ended up working away from home for most of the week, and I realised I was enjoying having the house to myself more than I was enjoying the times he was home! It didn't last long after that.

As you say, you don't know if your feelings will return. Maybe you could try still dating, but not living together? My mum and stepdad have done this for the last 30 years, and they reckon it's how they keep the spark alive (they're still madly in love and best friends). And if you find that you don't miss your partner, or don't make the effort to see each other, you've got your answer ...

Fluff15

Hi everybody,

Thought I'd come back and update you all - I eventually did speak to my OH about our issues, we both agreed to work on ourselves and treating the other better too.

Eventually, he kept doing things how they were before, and I can wholeheartedly say I was still trying my best. I got a lot of spoken sorry-s', but the actions said differently. I then found out he had something going on with a friend of ours. We tried again, nothing changed and we've now broken up. It hurts, it's a friend group I've lost as well as a partner.

We've got to work out what's going on with the flat, but it's likely he's moving out and I will have to take in a lodger to cover part of the rent as I can't really afford to live by myself (the lease is up next march).

Does anybody know which section it would be best to ask about council tax debt? I am assuming the debt board - but there may be an expert. I ask because the lodger will likely be my Dad - I won't bore you with the details but he's still got a hefty CT bill to pay, as well as other debts, although he will still be okay to pay for a roof over his head. My credit rating won't be affected by him, will it?

Thanks again everybody for your experiences and advice - now onwards and upwards I guess.

danielley

Hi Fluff,


Sorry to hear that you couldn't manage to work it out, but it sounds like you did all you could and which should mean you have very little regrets looking back.


Yes, try the debt board to find your answer...


Good luck for the future.

victory

Fluff15 wrote: »

Hi everybody,

Thought I'd come back and update you all - I eventually did speak to my OH about our issues, we both agreed to work on ourselves and treating the other better too.

Eventually, he kept doing things how they were before, and I can wholeheartedly say I was still trying my best. I got a lot of spoken sorry-s', but the actions said differently. I then found out he had something going on with a friend of ours. We tried again, nothing changed and we've now broken up. It hurts, it's a friend group I've lost as well as a partner.

We've got to work out what's going on with the flat, but it's likely he's moving out and I will have to take in a lodger to cover part of the rent as I can't really afford to live by myself (the lease is up next march).

Does anybody know which section it would be best to ask about council tax debt? I am assuming the debt board - but there may be an expert. I ask because the lodger will likely be my Dad - I won't bore you with the details but he's still got a hefty CT bill to pay, as well as other debts, although he will still be okay to pay for a roof over his head. My credit rating won't be affected by him, will it?

Thanks again everybody for your experiences and advice - now onwards and upwards I guess.

Oh sorry to hear that, I do hope you are ok and you get the help you asked for.