How do you know when it is best to end a relationship?

Person_one

You're still very young, it sounds like you were teenagers when you first got together. That doesn't mean it was always doomed, but the fact is that very few of us stay with our teenage partners forever.

You've both grown, changed, matured, and that might mean that while you still care about him, you no longer want to be in a relationship with him, and that's ok.

Personally, I don't think its a great idea to be 'coupled up' permanently from a very young age. You might well find that a few years on your own really helps you spread your wings, find your feet, pick your metaphor!

You need to talk to him though, if you're going to give counselling a go, then do it sooner rather than later, don't stay as you are any longer.

FBaby

It sounds to me like you need more space in your relationship, whereas you enjoy being together, but you also feel you can also evolve on your own.

My advice would be to discuss this with him and explain that you need to distance yourself a bit from every being couple like and doing a bit more for yourself, not that your feelings have changed at all, just that it is important for you to think of 'you' too rather than just 'us'.

That would start by letting him getting on with some things. Do you have separate friends, enjoy separate hobbies?

geoffky

When you dread putting the key in the door is the time to bail out.

valk_scot

Fluff15 wrote: »

All the house things are my responsibility, I've recently had to sort out his car, doctors appointments, I sort out his bank accounts etc etc.

Can I ask why you're doing all this for him? I mean if he's doing other stuff for you to balance things between you that's one thing but if he's sitting on his bum playing his Xbox while you sort out his paperwork I think you should ask yourself why. Do you share all the housework, cooking, shopping etc?

Errata

Perhaps I feel sort of like I'm mothering him? All the house things are my responsibility, I've recently had to sort out his car, doctors appointments, I sort out his bank accounts

Why on earth are you mothering him like he's a ten year old when he's grown man? What need does this meet in you? How do you benefit from it?

paddyrg

Talk, your BF may feel the same or may not realise you're unhappy. Either way, it's respectful to make a plan together. You might find he's been scared to say anything and you both want to shake things up, refresh the relationship instead of coasting etc. I know my Mrs and I could have called it a day at several points, but talked and worked through it, and now we've been together over 20 yrs.

Cotta

What did you do Fluff?

Fluff15

In his defence, he doesn't sit around all day playing xbox. He's out of the house 6-6 most days working hard at a job he hates. He then usually will go to the gym or see his friends. I have probably taken charge in most things because it's in my nature (like to know everything that's going on), I have lived alone at university and sorted it all out then, and also because he (and his family which is where he gets it from) are incredibly indecisive/ambivalent so it frustrates me that nothing gets done. I'm the sort of person to do things right away, wheras he'll leave it until it's more urgent.

In regards to spending too much time together, we both have separate interests and hobbies, I have my own best friends to his and we also have a group of friends who we see occasionally together. Work lives are separate and I'm also doing a second diploma part time so we're both pretty busy.

I'm going to talk to relate tonight, then speak to my OH about this on Sunday as he's away from Friday and I am out tonight/tomorrow. I'm not going to say I want to break up, but that I do feel things have gotten stagnant and that something needs to change, whether it's either one of us or both. Thanks for all your advice guys, I really appreciate it. I'll let you know how it goes.

Errata

I have probably taken charge in most things because it's in my nature (like to know everything that's going on),

... and that usefully prevents him from taking any resposibility and leaves you in control which puts the relationship out of balance and makes you wonder 'is this all there is'. You can't change him, but you can change your own behaviour if you're prepared to be honest with yourself and understand the reasons for it.

victory

Fluff15 wrote: »

In his defence, he doesn't sit around all day playing xbox. He's out of the house 6-6 most days working hard at a job he hates. He then usually will go to the gym or see his friends. I have probably taken charge in most things because it's in my nature (like to know everything that's going on), I have lived alone at university and sorted it all out then, and also because he (and his family which is where he gets it from) are incredibly indecisive/ambivalent so it frustrates me that nothing gets done. I'm the sort of person to do things right away, wheras he'll leave it until it's more urgent.

In regards to spending too much time together, we both have separate interests and hobbies, I have my own best friends to his and we also have a group of friends who we see occasionally together. Work lives are separate and I'm also doing a second diploma part time so we're both pretty busy.

I'm going to talk to relate tonight, then speak to my OH about this on Sunday as he's away from Friday and I am out tonight/tomorrow. I'm not going to say I want to break up, but that I do feel things have gotten stagnant and that something needs to change, whether it's either one of us or both. Thanks for all your advice guys, I really appreciate it. I'll let you know how it goes.

You have your own reasons for taking on everything within the relationship but you chose that and now resent it, does your OH ever wonder why you have taken over? Could you not suggest to him to take on a few things and you learn to let the controlling hands go a bit, a relationship being give and take, compromise and adjustments....

You could be surprised at how easily OH takes to it or you could find it exhausting to watch him struggle, so help him ,he maybe cluesless so guide him or maybe he will take to it like a duck to water and you will feel relieved and happier, having not tried it that way you do not know the outcome- yet.