How do you know when it is best to end a relationship?

Fluff15

Hi everybody,

As the title says really. I have been with my OH for five years, we live together and we're both early/mid twenties. Over the past few months I've been wondering whether the relationship is something I really want any more. We have been together since college, and he supported me throughout university even though the distance was hard.

I feel horrible saying this. There's nothing 'wrong' or anything that has set this off. We still get on, we have a good time together, we don't argue, bedroom stuff is fine etc. But for some reason, I feel suffocated and find myself questioning whether I want to be in a relationship any more. I can't even put my finger on why, and that's what's frustrating. I find myself turning away when he is affectionate unless I am 'in the mood'. I don't miss him when he goes away, in fact I encourage it.

Before anybody suggests, there is definitely nobody else in the picture, nor anybody I would think I could picture myself with. I just want to be alone for a while, I can't even think about meeting somebody new (the thought actually makes me nauseous).

I feel cruel even thinking about it, and I'm wondering if there's something I can do to stop myself feeling this way. I know I should talk to my OH about it, but I can't put 'I love you I just want to be alone and do my own thing' into words without sounding like a cow or that I'm crazy! I also don't want to set the ball rolling and us finishing with each other, when I get my head out the clouds in a couple of months and realise I'm being stupid. He doesn't even restrict me in the things I want to do, I can do whatever I like (within reason) and he supports that.

He is a wonderful man and I owe it to him to be honest and do what's best for him. Is there anything I can do to get over this slump? Has anybody felt the same before? Just writing it out and rereading it makes me think what an idiot, but I still can't explain why I feel this way. It's been this way for a few months and I thought it would pass but it's hasn't yet.

pops5588

Hi Fluff15 I am in your position life-wise in that I have been with my OH for 5 years, we live together and we are your age.

You can't fight how you feel. If it were my OH feeling like this I think I would want him to tell me. Don't get me wrong it would devastate me, but I think you owe what sounds like a good relationship a bit of honesty.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be alone. You are still young and either way you could end up with regrets. Just talk to him, but go gently and try not to say anything too rash. If I were you I would probably write down a bit of what's going through my head first.

SailorSam

Although it's not easy to talk, that's the only way.
Even if you do split up you need to talk to say Goodbye.
So before saying goodbye tell him how you feel.
It's never easy.

Scrapaholic

It might be hard to end your relationship as there's nothing specifically wrong . You've been together since you were very young and you're still so young . People change and want different things and that's natural . If it's not what you want it's kinder , in the long run, not to let it just go on . Some relationships , like friendships , don't last forever and run their course . Good luck .

bagpussbear

Sounds like you may have outgrown each other? Obviously the care and respect is still there, but given at least one of your was in your late teens when you met, it’s not unusual for feelings to change, or to want different things for the future. Sounds like you want to experience a bit of adulthood alone.

Maybe give it a bit longer and see if you feel different.

If nothing changes, then you need to have a chat with him, after all he might be feeling the same. Perhaps having a bit of a break away from each other, and see how much you miss each other (or not) might help you reach the decision to end it, or realise he is what you still want. But be careful, he sounds a lovely guy, and will be heartbroken if he still wants to be with you.

heartbreak_star

Me and ex outgrew each other. We met when he was 18 and I was 21, and grew into different people.

Again, there was nothing "really wrong" with things, except I didn't particularly want to be intimate anymore - we were just like brother and sister by the time things ground to a halt.

I wish I knew what to advise - we split quite badly when he just asked "Do you want to be with me or not?" and didn't talk for a long time.

We're on good terms now, but I still can't put my finger on where I could have done anything different really.

Not sure if that's helped in any way, but as you can see from this and other posts you are not alone. *hug*

HBS x

Errata

I find myself turning away when he is affectionate unless I am 'in the mood'.

That's pretty damning, affection isn't a tap you turn on and off whenever you fancy, it's a constant. Give him his freedom to find someone who puts his needs before their own.

arbroath_lass

Fluff15 wrote: »

Hi everybody,
It's been this way for a few months and I thought it would pass but it's hasn't yet.

What have you done in those months to improve matters? What do you see yourself doing when you are alone that you don't do now? Can you do them now but don't? Have you tried talking it through with someone impartial (even a counsellor).

Some couples are happy doing everything together and some like to have their own space. What works for you as a couple is not wrong. Do you think you can find that?

I think you need to seriously think about what you are doing. I'm not saying you need to stay in a relationshipthat isn't working but the grass is very rarely greener on the other side.

AcidHouse

Fluff15 wrote: »

Hi everybody,

As the title says really. I have been with my OH for five years, we live together and we're both early/mid twenties. Over the past few months I've been wondering whether the relationship is something I really want any more. We have been together since college, and he supported me throughout university even though the distance was hard.

I feel horrible saying this. There's nothing 'wrong' or anything that has set this off. We still get on, we have a good time together, we don't argue, bedroom stuff is fine etc. But for some reason, I feel suffocated and find myself questioning whether I want to be in a relationship any more. I can't even put my finger on why, and that's what's frustrating. I find myself turning away when he is affectionate unless I am 'in the mood'. I don't miss him when he goes away, in fact I encourage it.

Before anybody suggests, there is definitely nobody else in the picture, nor anybody I would think I could picture myself with. I just want to be alone for a while, I can't even think about meeting somebody new (the thought actually makes me nauseous).

I feel cruel even thinking about it, and I'm wondering if there's something I can do to stop myself feeling this way. I know I should talk to my OH about it, but I can't put 'I love you I just want to be alone and do my own thing' into words without sounding like a cow or that I'm crazy! I also don't want to set the ball rolling and us finishing with each other, when I get my head out the clouds in a couple of months and realise I'm being stupid. He doesn't even restrict me in the things I want to do, I can do whatever I like (within reason) and he supports that.

He is a wonderful man and I owe it to him to be honest and do what's best for him. Is there anything I can do to get over this slump? Has anybody felt the same before? Just writing it out and rereading it makes me think what an idiot, but I still can't explain why I feel this way. It's been this way for a few months and I thought it would pass but it's hasn't yet.

Hi OP, I feel for you, it's awful to feel something but not know why.

The bit I've put in bold above - it's not about your feelings for him, it's about you wanting to be single. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Maybe you're burnt out from life in general and need some serious 'me' time, or it's boring you being in a relationship. Or both.

Regardless of how well relationships can go, it's still an investment of time, energy, money, emotions etc that you could be using elsewhere. Do you feel being in a relationship is holding you back from doing something? Is it starting to feel like an extra thing you have to do?

You certainly need to get a clearer picture of your feelings and wants/needs in your mind before you talk this through with him - he will ask you if you want to split with him or not, and you don't have an answer for that yet, and it would be cruel to keep him hanging. And he might not even wait, he might end it for you out of pride.

marisco_2

How was your relationship in the beginning? Have you two ever had that real spark/butterflies between you both? Of course that isn't love it is just lust. Anyone who expects feelings like those to still be there a few years on would be foolish. By the stage you two are at it is normal for love to have settled and to have become deeper and more meaningful.

As difficult as it may be you do need to talk openly with your partner about where things are at for you. Lack of communication and hoping that your feelings for him will improve, has just caused for you to drift further apart from him emotionally. I get the impression that you view this guy now more as a friend or house mate. To delay facing up to this could mean that your relationship deteriorates and you end up parting badly.

Fluff15

marisco wrote: »

How was your relationship in the beginning? Have you two ever had that real spark/butterflies between you both? Of course that isn't love it is just lust. Anyone who expects feelings like those to still be there a few years on would be foolish. By the stage you two are at it is normal for love to have settled and to have become deeper and more meaningful.

As difficult as it may be you do need to talk openly with your partner about where things are at for you. Lack of communication and hoping that your feelings for him will improve, has just caused for you to drift further apart from him emotionally. I get the impression that you view this guy now more as a friend or house mate. To delay facing up to this could mean that your relationship deteriorates and you end up parting badly.

arbroath_lass wrote: »

What have you done in those months to improve matters? What do you see yourself doing when you are alone that you don't do now? Can you do them now but don't? Have you tried talking it through with someone impartial (even a counsellor).

Some couples are happy doing everything together and some like to have their own space. What works for you as a couple is not wrong. Do you think you can find that?

I think you need to seriously think about what you are doing. I'm not saying you need to stay in a relationship that isn't working but the grass is very rarely greener on the other side.

AcidHouse wrote: »

Hi OP, I feel for you, it's awful to feel something but not know why.

The bit I've put in bold above - it's not about your feelings for him, it's about you wanting to be single. There's nothing wrong with feeling that way. Maybe you're burnt out from life in general and need some serious 'me' time, or it's boring you being in a relationship. Or both.

Regardless of how well relationships can go, it's still an investment of time, energy, money, emotions etc that you could be using elsewhere. Do you feel being in a relationship is holding you back from doing something? Is it starting to feel like an extra thing you have to do?

You certainly need to get a clearer picture of your feelings and wants/needs in your mind before you talk this through with him - he will ask you if you want to split with him or not, and you don't have an answer for that yet, and it would be cruel to keep him hanging. And he might not even wait, he might end it for you out of pride.

Thanks - that's what I'm mindful about. I don't want to break up on a whim because we get along so well and that it is my fault for feeling this way, that I should work on myself first.

To answer your questions, there isn't really anything holding me back from being in a relationship. There isn't anything specific I would do by myself, that I couldn't do now. Perhaps I feel sort of like I'm mothering him? All the house things are my responsibility, I've recently had to sort out his car, doctors appointments, I sort out his bank accounts etc etc. I think maybe it would be fair to say maybe I am fed up of being constantly mindful of another person as well as myself? I've tried passing on the responsibilities but it doesn't last long.

When we first got together it was a bit difficult, for a full year there was a lot of uncertainty because I was going to university and we wasn't sure if it was right for us. However when I got to university we found we could make it work and from there things were brilliant. I think the initial 'honeymoon' period wore off a couple of years ago, we've been a great couple since then and we make sure to spend time with others outside our relationship. It's really balanced, but I do wonder if we've become too comfortable?

Over the last couple of months I've been trying to make sure we make the most of our time together like we did at university, so we'll have nights out just the two of us, have a special dinner, sit down and watch a movie etc. I do feel like we're kind of just going through the motions, although I do admit I could make more of an effort. I thought Christmas would help because last year it was lovely as we got to see each other much more as we're both so busy with work, but this year again it was spent running around seeing families so there wasn't ever any quality time alone.

Thanks for letting me vent everybody, and I'm glad I'm not alone in feeling like this. I think my next plan of action is getting in touch with an independent councillor (relate I think) on my own, and making a massive effort. If after a couple of weeks or so I feel the same then I'll speak to him about it - after all it might not be just me feeling this way.