Are you in a Long Distance Relationship? How is it for you?

System

My bf lives about 35 miles away so not that long distance in the grand scheme of things. Before I got my job we'd see each other about every 2 weeks, but then I got my job and he got a full time contract so it reverted to about once a month. The longest we went without seeing each other was 3 months and honestly that was hard, I had a few vists to him but we didn't get a lot of time together, that said we talk every day be that via FB/phone/text/skype/FaceTime, and when he come to visit it's always for a few days. Tbh I really don't mind the distance. After my last relationship where we lived together and were around each other 24/7 I quite like the freedom this set up gives me. I get the benefits if a relationship but without the crap and stress that comes with living with someone he nearly always comes to mine as he still lives at home so there's not as much space where as I live in a shared house so have a bit more freedom.

That said I don't think long distance is always sustainable forever, but we're happy as we are and neither of us is ready to settle down per say (and I'm certainly not in a rush to live with anyone again). I do miss him but I'm actually very happy so I guess it works for us

Ophelia_10

ska_lover wrote: »

Sorry, but to be frank, I think you two have a one way ticket to splitsville. The above sentence is worrying, you cannot unwind/relax around your partner.

I agree with the above poster, LDR only work if there is an end goal, as in moving in together in the future, they are not an ideal long term situation for most folk to be in - but you guys are working on becoming more distant.

IMO it's only a matter of time before one of you decides it is not worth the hassle, especially if you cannot unwind and relax in front of each other - you cannot be your true selves in front of each other - and an act is very hard to maintain

I had an LDR, and we are married now.

Hopefully I am way off base, as your situation is completely individual, and I don't mean my comments to come across as hurtful, but just an outside perspective

I know you haven't intended to be hurtful, but I have to say your comments are a little harsh and idealistic if I'm honest. Even if I have had a chilled day with my partner, it IS still stressful to then journey back and think about when I'm going to get my washing, ironing, bathroom cleaned and catch up with my parents and friends etc. It's not that I can't relax with my partner, it's all the hoops I have to jump through in order to see each other that aren't relaxing if you see what I mean.

I do appreciate your input tho

Wilma33

ska_lover wrote: »

Sorry, but to be frank, I think you two have a one way ticket to splitsville. The above sentence is worrying, you cannot unwind/relax around your partner.

I agree with the above poster, LDR only work if there is an end goal, as in moving in together in the future, they are not an ideal long term situation for most folk to be in - but you guys are working on becoming more distant.

IMO it's only a matter of time before one of you decides it is not worth the hassle, especially if you cannot unwind and relax in front of each other - you cannot be your true selves in front of each other - and an act is very hard to maintain

I had an LDR, and we are married now.

Hopefully I am way off base, as your situation is completely individual, and I don't mean my comments to come across as hurtful, but just an outside perspective

I strongly disagree with this. However relaxed you feel around your partner, there is nothing at all relaxing about traveling for hours on public transport half way across the country on a Friday night and again on a Sunday afternoon. Plus the added stress of not having had to chance to get some food in, wash your work clothes, sort out your paperwork, etc before you start work again on Monday morning. I also used to find Fridays at work really stressful because I knew I had to leave on time. I feel your pain. And it's no reflection on your relationship. I don't think weekly is do-able if you work full time in an even remotely stressful job. You will run yourself into the ground. We used to do it fortnightly (so once a month each).

Toto

lostinrates wrote: »

Well, we expect it to last the duration of DH's working life. As we are in our thirties that's no end in near sight:rotfl:

Is it always a walk in the park? Of course not, but very few situations are without any drawback whatsoever, its about making lemonade out of lemons and looking for silver linings.

We have a very, very good marriage, and are still very much in love. We conventionally lived together from early in our relationship, and it was wonderful, but for personal reasons , nothing to do with our relationship but to do with circumstances and lifestyle, it doesn't work out possible for us now.

Its much easier for us than it was our parents, we have email and free phone calls. As a kid I remember only being able to speak to my dad on Sundays for a few minutes when my mother was in uk with me, and that was the only time she had to speak to him too, and no email!


Communication is so key for us; shared goals, love, laughter, mutual support, these are all important, but talking, emailing..is the origin of all of them. We have extremely clear and open lines of communication. Better it seems than some friends with more conventional living arrangements, and better than many who post here. We are clear with each other about our boundaries, our needs, our wants, our desires. We're quick to express love and admiration for each other, our pride in the others achievements, big or small.



Ultimately, like any relationship, you have to both be in it, both feet, and both pull together for it.

This is exactly how we make it work. In fact everything you say is what I would have written.


OP not all LDR are destined to work out. I have been through a few relationships in my time, in those days I was the one working away for long periods. But, if you have all of the framework there for a good relationship then it stands a good chance of working, living together or apart. It takes a lot of adjustment, not only getting into the swing of being separated but I often find it takes us a day or two to adjust back into being together again when he's home.


If the relationship is a bit rocky to begin with then it probably won't go the distance when you are living apart.

System

It takes a lot of adjustment, not only getting into the swing of being separated but I often find it takes us a day or two to adjust back into being together again when he's home.

In the early years I found the only way I could get through being on my own such a lot was by building some sort of barrier around me. It was a sort of self preservation thing. I sort of turned off any sexual feelings and loving feelings I had (apart from for the kids). When he came back I was like a stone wall. I found it hard to turn those feelings back on again and he found it hard being a family man.

Ive given up now, he comes and goes as he pleases and I'm not quite as 'needy' emotionally as I was.

pukkamum

Pukkadad and I were in a ldr for the first 2 yrs of our relationship, we did alternate weekends that turned mainly into him coming here more often then moving in.

I had to do the Manchester to London route and always went by train.
I made the most of it, good book, nice picnic etc and it felt like a holiday.

Coming back however was a different story, packed late trains etc and eventually it got too much, not to mention how upsetting it was leaving each other.

We spoke on the phone every day and wrote letters every week, I now have a huge stack of love letters that are lovely to read back.

It was all worth it though and I think as another poster said it made us appreciate our time together so much more than if we had seen each other every day.
We didn't have the petty arguments many of my friends had as we were so incredibly pleased to see each other and we were too busy loving for fighting!

HisDoris

Me and my OH have been in a LDR for the last 7 and a half years, he is in the forces and at the moment works and lives 300 miles away - this is the closest he's ever lived/worked to me in the last 7 and a half years. I suppose if it's meant to be then it will be. He travels home every weekend unless he's away with work which can be for up to 6 months! We've spent 3 6 month tours away from each other, one being when our little boy was only 7 weeks old - times get hard but seriously, if its meant to be then it will work - I'm not saying it's easy - it's far from that! BUT it is 'doable'. Me and my little boy will be going to live with my OH in approx. 6 weeks times but even that is going to be hard as I will be leaving all of my friends and family behind 300 miles away!

Cost of travel is a massive thing - it costs us over £300 each month just in travel! But seeing each other every weekend is priceless. I have never felt like I couldn't relax or unwind around my OH though, in fact when he's home I get to relax/unwind a lot more than usual! So maybe that says a lot about your relationship?

I try and travel down to see OH around once every 3 months so that he doesn't have to travel up as the travelling side of things does get annoying for him - he sits on a train for 9 hours and then in a car for an extra hour every weekend so you can imagine how annoying that can become!

We've been together 8.5 years and are about to get married - so if he's the one then you will make it work - if he isn't only time will tell!

meeshpeesh

I met my boyfriend online and we're in a new long distance relationship. It's not easy and miss him a lot but we decided it was worth giving it a go because neither us know where we'll be in a few years. He's an expat who lives 4000 miles away in the middle east and comes back to the UK for Summer and was back at Christmas. He's just gone back so it's our first real attempt at the distance thing, until recently I always knew he was a couple of hours away on the train now I know he's even further away it's pretty tough.

I'll only get to see him every few months but we talk every day and exchange pictures, voice notes and skype etc. I've also just sent him a hand written letter too to keep things a little more old school

As much as I miss him it's good for me to have my independence but also know that I have someone to care about and talk to when I feel down. My last relationship was pretty suffocating so this is a new and strange experience, and I'd rather have a decent boyfriend 4000 miles away than a bad one right next to me.

We're still young so we'll see how it goes but so far so good

One thing that we're yet to try to make the distance seem a little less is to watch the same film simultaneously and chat over text/skype about it, not quite the same as being snuggled up on the sofa but still

suki1964

Hubby and I are 500 miles apart for most of the year and have been for the past 7 years

It's hard.

We manage by talking daily to each other, face book, IM, etc. we share as much of our day with each other as we can, my photo gallery is full of silly shots I have taken to send him, things I see on my walk, stuff I'm looking to buy for the house, dinners lol

His home and away time varies. Sometimes he home for 10 days every three weeks, other times it's a five week stretch. Some times he may be home for two months or more

It's the long stretches at home that make it harder in a way. We get to be happy and comfortable and relaxed living the family life, then he has to go again. The 10 day visits are manic as we are rushing here there and everywhere trying to see family and get things we need to do together done

It helps that I only work part time so when we are home together we have a lot of time with each other

This I think will be the last year of it. The mortgage is paid off so we don't need a big income now. Hopefully from after this year he will only need to work two or three months a year.

Hopefully...

skattykatty

My relationship with my husband started off long distance. We could only meet up every 2 or 3 weekends. We alternated who went where. We both found it really hard to be apart and moved in together within the year!