Are you in a Long Distance Relationship? How is it for you?

Ophelia_10

Hi All

My partner and I live 100 miles apart and we have tried various formula's of seeing each i.e. every weekend taking it in turns to visit each other, or every other weekend, or having a day together somewhere one weekend followed by a full weekend....but it seems difficult to find a formula that suits us both.

I find if we see each other every weekend, I struggle to find time to spend with my friends and family (who are important to me) and keep on top of various jobs in the house and garden etc. My job can also be demanding and stressful so I find the every weekend thing quite tiring and I don't feel I've had chance to unwind and relax fully. We (I) have decided to do the every other weekend currently, although we do end up feeling less close and disconnected so we can't seem to win lol.

So...how does it work for others in our situation? I'd be interested to know how others find time for themselves and other people in their lives as well as their partner?

lostinrates

My husband works away mind to fri. Previously he's worked in different countries and we've done fortnightly. We find longer than fortnightly as a routine difficult but the occasional longer stint ok.


We have free calls between us and ability to email through out the day. We try and be the first and last person we speak to like a 'normal' live together couple would be, though that's not always possible.

Communication for us is key. It helps we have 'our home' that we are pulling together on at weekends, I can see how you would feel torn other wise.


It also helps or us I think that we both saw the pattern In our parents, my mother was six months with out my father regularly. My sil works on a different continent from her partner, and my fil for a while worked in London and weekend with his gf in NYC

ibizafan_2

I had a four year relationship with someone who lived over 100 miles away. He was retired, while I was working full time and also doing a part time job on top. He would travel to my house once a fortnight, and on bank holidays etc I would drive to him as I would obviously have a bit more time. Unfortunately he started to resent the fact that he did most of the driving to and fro, although as I've already said, he was no longer working. Also, as you, I still had to catch up with housework, washing etc even when he was there. It's very tricky, and we split up eventually, although other factors were involved. Our long distance relationship wasn't meant to be forever, and we had plans to eventually live together, but it wasn't to be.

Buzzybee90

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Hi All

My partner and I live 100 miles apart and we have tried various formula's of seeing each i.e. every weekend taking it in turns to visit each other, or every other weekend, or having a day together somewhere one weekend followed by a full weekend....but it seems difficult to find a formula that suits us both.

I find if we see each other every weekend, I struggle to find time to spend with my friends and family (who are important to me) and keep on top of various jobs in the house and garden etc. My job can also be demanding and stressful so I find the every weekend thing quite tiring and I don't feel I've had chance to unwind and relax fully. We (I) have decided to do the every other weekend currently, although we do end up feeling less close and disconnected so we can't seem to win lol.

So...how does it work for others in our situation? I'd be interested to know how others find time for themselves and other people in their lives as well as their partner?

My oh and I were in a ldr for the first year of our relationship, as he was at uni already, and I wasn't. We only saw each other on the odd weekend or of course in holidays. My parents didn't want me staying with him as I was quite young.

This was ok as it was the days where teenagers lived on MSN and we knew that it'd only be for a year. I'm not sure how sustainable it is full time, unless one of you plans to move in the future? I can imagine it'd be very stressful traveling every weekend (or often), whilst working.

I wish you every success though!

angelil

I was in an LDR. The distance varied, depending on where we both lived, between 100 and 830 miles. We therefore never really had a regular visiting pattern but just had to do whatever worked at the time - particularly difficult to manage given that we were both short of money (students/interns). The 'easiest' distance was Bath-Exeter, when we were able to see each other at least twice a month. The longest we went without seeing each other was 10 weeks.

I think you've pinpointed the important part of an LDR: balancing your relationship with other areas of your life (work, friendships, family, relaxation) is definitely vital, and if you see each other every weekend this can be difficult to achieve.

However, throughout my LDR I wouldn't say I ever felt disconnected from my other half. Why? We communicated in some way, shape or form every day, whether it was by speaking on the phone, going on MSN, texting or emailing (we weren't really into Skype back then - this was from 2004-2008). This was so important to us even if we had nothing better to say than what we'd had for tea It keeps the relationship going and builds trust - which is more important now than ever as the LDR ended by us getting married 3 years ago We've been living together for more than 5 years and he travels a lot for work, so all of the trust built up through our LDR (and getting used to being apart of course) has really prepared us for this time in our lives.

Good luck with yours

an9i77

I have had an LDR - London to Manchester. In the beginning we saw each other every weekend - thank god for the virgin trains west coast route. it did get a bit difficult to maintain that though so eventually we went down to once a fortnight but it was difficult. He wasn't very good at phoning me inbetween and it became a bit of an issue. Luckily he moved to live with me after 5 months and we are still together.

My personal view is that LDRs only work if there is an end in sight, ie one or both people are willing to move to be with their partner. The real test of our relationship came after we were living together in the same town and spending every day with each other.

Best of luck!

ska_lover

Ophelia_10 wrote: »

Hi All

My job can also be demanding and stressful so I find the every weekend thing quite tiring and I don't feel I've had chance to unwind and relax fully.

Sorry, but to be frank, I think you two have a one way ticket to splitsville. The above sentence is worrying, you cannot unwind/relax around your partner.

I agree with the above poster, LDR only work if there is an end goal, as in moving in together in the future, they are not an ideal long term situation for most folk to be in - but you guys are working on becoming more distant.

IMO it's only a matter of time before one of you decides it is not worth the hassle, especially if you cannot unwind and relax in front of each other - you cannot be your true selves in front of each other - and an act is very hard to maintain

I had an LDR, and we are married now.

Hopefully I am way off base, as your situation is completely individual, and I don't mean my comments to come across as hurtful, but just an outside perspective

74jax

ska_lover wrote: »

Sorry, but to be frank, I think you two have a one way ticket to splitsville. The above sentence is worrying, you cannot unwind/relax around your partner.



Hopefully I am way off base, as your situation is completely individual, and I don't mean my comments to come across as hurtful, but just an outside perspective

I love to distress and relax without hubby. We do live together but rarely spend time together on a weekend, we both have hobbies and friends not related. I could count on one hand the days of a weekend spent together.

I can relate with OPs comments, but like I say we live together, not sure how it would be in a ldr.

System

In my experience we have both grown into different people and we both struggle with it.

angelil

ska_lover wrote: »

Sorry, but to be frank, I think you two have a one way ticket to splitsville. The above sentence is worrying, you cannot unwind/relax around your partner.

I think this is a little unfair. In my view, the travelling involved in an LDR can be very tiring/stressful, especially if you are travelling a significant distance for just one full day before you have to turn around and come back again (if you leave on the Friday night and come back the Sunday afternoon this is basically what you get), and especially if you are doing this frequently (e.g. once a week, as mentioned in the original post). I can't blame people for feeling tired after that (especially as public transport is not always a stress-free experience). Plus, my (now-)husband and I used to get so upset when we had to leave each other that you can hardly feel you've wound down after that either.

I do agree, though, with those on this thread who say that an LDR can never be a permanent situation. We were in an international LDR for 3.5 years, having met online. However, we were only in an LDR for this long out of necessity (I had my undergraduate and then my master's degree to do). We always had in mind that one day one of us would move in order to be with the other. If you don't have this kind of goal in mind then it will never have the chance of becoming a 'normal' relationship.

lostinrates

angelil wrote: »

I think this is a little unfair. In my view, the travelling involved in an LDR can be very tiring/stressful, especially if you are travelling a significant distance for just one full day before you have to turn around and come back again (if you leave on the Friday night and come back the Sunday afternoon this is basically what you get), and especially if you are doing this frequently (e.g. once a week, as mentioned in the original post). I can't blame people for feeling tired after that (especially as public transport is not always a stress-free experience). Plus, my (now-)husband and I used to get so upset when we had to leave each other that you can hardly feel you've wound down after that either.

I do agree, though, with those on this thread who say that an LDR can never be a permanent situation. We were in an international LDR for 3.5 years, having met online. However, we were only in an LDR for this long out of necessity (I had my undergraduate and then my master's degree to do). We always had in mind that one day one of us would move in order to be with the other. If you don't have this kind of goal in mind then it will never have the chance of becoming a 'normal' relationship.

Well, we expect it to last the duration of DH's working life. As we are in our thirties that's no end in near sight:rotfl:

Is it always a walk in the park? Of course not, but very few situations are without any drawback whatsoever, its about making lemonade out of lemons and looking for silver linings.

We have a very, very good marriage, and are still very much in love. We conventionally lived together from early in our relationship, and it was wonderful, but for personal reasons , nothing to do with our relationship but to do with circumstances and lifestyle, it doesn't work out possible for us now.

Its much easier for us than it was our parents, we have email and free phone calls. As a kid I remember only being able to speak to my dad on Sundays for a few minutes when my mother was in uk with me, and that was the only time she had to speak to him too, and no email!


Communication is so key for us; shared goals, love, laughter, mutual support, these are all important, but talking, emailing..is the origin of all of them. We have extremely clear and open lines of communication. Better it seems than some friends with more conventional living arrangements, and better than many who post here. We are clear with each other about our boundaries, our needs, our wants, our desires. We're quick to express love and admiration for each other, our pride in the others achievements, big or small.



Ultimately, like any relationship, you have to both be in it, both feet, and both pull together for it.