sad about ex

CustardAndPickles

Hey Sally,

Didn't want to read and run, but I'm afraid I might sound a little blunt.
Your relationship with your ex was three years ago. He has moved on from you completely and utterly.

Have you actually thought about your ex every hour? Are you really crying over him every night? I'd suggest that actually some of this is hyperbole. And, to be blunt, some of it is going to be self pity - you feel like you allowed other people to make decisions for you and you regret that now.

Nothing you can do is going to bring your ex back. So you need to accept he's gone, and you need to forgive yourself for what happened. Think to yourself that you're not going to allow this to happen again and that you're going to make your own decisions in the future.

After all this time, you'll have idolised your ex into a person he really wasn't. It is hard to remember people's faults and flaws, but please try and remember that memory is selective, and you are almost definitely looking back on rose-tinted memories.

I don't know what to suggest about your current partner. It is not particularly fair on him to judge him against someone else all the time - especially not a rose tinted memory. Try and see him as a real person with his own personality who loves you despite your constant mooning over someone else (I'd be very surprised if he's not picked up on you at least being down).

AcidHouse

It sounds like you've not really had space and time to process the break-up and accept it.

The reality is, it's been 3 years since you split up - you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself: I have to move past the feelings I associate with the break-up. Be it guilt, regret, whatever. Be willing to forgive yourself.

Have you tried writing out your feelings, questions and frustrations about this? It might help to do that (write it all out as if it's a letter to him that you'll never send) and read it back to yourself a few days later.

marisco_2

sadsally wrote: »

Awww yes Notsosharp, exactly how i feel, i think i should be alone too really, but the guy who i am with loves me and his wife left him before we met so how could i do that to him

Staying in a relationship with a guy who you acknowledge has no chance because you cant forget your ex, is far worse than respecting him and calling a day on it. He would feel devastated if he ever found out how you really feel and that all he trusted and felt secure in was a farce. If you care for him then let him move on and be with someone who really wants him to be part of their life. Then seek help so as your future can be far happier too.

paulineb_2

You left him, things couldnt have been that great. I feel for you, its not easy having feelings for an ex but I do think you are looking at this with massive rose tinted specs on. Youve wasted 3 years of your life pining for an ex who has moved on, thats reality.

And youve allowed it to cause you problems meeting someone new who you could really like. Im not talking about your bf at the moment, Im talking long term as well.

Its hard to give someone a chance when you are emotionally still involved with someone else, I dont think anyone would measure up to the image youve built around your ex.

jusjus

oh Sally, I have been in your position and at times I revert back, but I have to remind myself that I am worth more, he cheated on me for 7 yrs the whole time we were together I,felt there was something going on, yes 6 full blown affairs (and those are only the ones he owned up to) numerous one night stands etc., what was his excuse he was bored and lonely as we lived 200 miles apart - I wont put down here what I said but the words trousers, in etc comes to mind.

Even with all the above I have wasted time and valuable energy on him crying, wishing we were together, jealous of other women BUT he will do the same to them as he did to me.

Someone last week told me unless I shut that door another one wont open for me, so Sally do it with me, from today we will wash these men out of our heads, I cant say hair cos it has to work its way out - we can do it Sally because we will empower ourselves - what do you say Sally, worth a go??

opinions4u

I'd love to say "just get over it".

Life isn't that easy though.

But there's no point regretting stuff too much. You've got tomorrow to build. So build it.

fluffnutter

You split up three years ago. I suspect you're feeling like this simply because he's getting married and you're not particularly happy in your current relationship. If it had been that much of an issue you'd have made efforts to reunite in the past three years. You can move on if you want to - you just need to stop being self-indulgent. This guy not being in your life any more is not the reason you're unhappy; you are.

I think I'd do the current fella a favour and end it too. He must be very oblivious or very patient. If I had a partner who cried every day because they missed their ex so much, they'd be out the door

flutterby_lil

fluffnutter wrote: »

I think I'd do the current fella a favour and end it too. He must be very oblivious or very patient. If I had a partner who cried every day because they missed their ex so much, they'd be out the door

I suspect she does the crying when her fella isn't there - I bet its a bit like one of these secret eater programmes on telly, there will be one for secret crying next!

I don't have any words of wisdom except get a grip. Sorry its harsh but it was 3 years ago and you obviously left him for a reason.

paulineb_2

The people I wasted time crying over, you can bet your life they werent sitting crying over me. Seriously, sometimes you need to give yourself a shake and get on with it. Of course when you love someone and they leave or even if you leave them and you still love them, those feelings wont fade overnight. It took me years to be able to look at one ex who I was really in love with and feel not very much, not helped by the fact he was always floating around the edges of my life, we had mutual friends and its not the biggest town I live in.

But crying every day isnt normal 3 years on, thats not grief, thats bordering on obsessive behaviour and dare I say it, it could be more about how you feel about yourself and your own life than how someone treated you.

Ive had my heart broken badly, just the once, but it was awful, I know how tough that feels and for 3 years I had to see my ex swanning around town with his new gf, he started seeing her 6 months after he told me he wanted us to get back together, he didnt, he was just as flaky as you could possibly get. Yes its horrible, its horrible to see someone you love and you still have feelings for with someone else. But you get on with things, you have to, whats the alternative?

As for pushing other people away because you dont want to get hurt again, a completely natural human reaction, but if that feeling stays for years, something is wrong. No one should have such an effect on your life that years later you cant move on, if they do, I think its time to seek professional help and speak to someone about how you are feeling.

I also bet if all these exes came floating back into peoples lives youd realise that they are just people who like the rest of us make mistakes and they arent this perfect person you've built them up to be.

My ex bf, the one I was very much in love with, his first marriage lasted a year, he wasnt always the easiest person to get on with, even though I loved him, he had a certain way of viewing the world and things had to be just so, bordering on obsessive at times. Im glad I wasnt the person who married him in the end and even though I didnt feel like that at the time, I do now. I can still look back and recognise that I did love him, but we wouldnt have been happy if we had stayed together, I certainly wouldnt have been.

Sometimes you forget that in the upset of someone you love leaving, they can often do you a massive favour.

Rottensocks

sadsally wrote: »

the guy who i am with loves me and his wife left him before we met so how could i do that to him

My dear, you're not a charity, so the fact his wife left him prior to you meeting him is not something you can consider yourself responsible for...And anyway, which is the worst 'crime':

A: To leave someone when you know its not right.

B: To stay with someone out of pity (his wife left him) and convenience (I dont really love him, but its easy).

If I were your current boyfriend, I'd rather be treated to A than B to be honest!

Your ex is your ex for a reason, and you are going to have to work through those feelings - possibly with a counsellor - and come to terms with the end of that relationship. (By the way, did he end things, or did you?)

You must also do the decent thing, and allow your current boyfriend to go: you are wasting his life, poor !!!!!!, as you don't love him and frankly, you are emotionally not available to him because you're so invested in your ex.