Breaking Through, Travelling On

Goldiegirl · 7 January 2017 at 4:08PM

Hi, KC, nice to see you 'home' again, but was very sorry to hear that you lost your mum. It's an awful thing to happen at any time, but seems particularly bad when it happens over the Christmas period.

Now you are back home again you can take each day as it comes. I found it particularly difficult when my mum and dad died to be 'on show' all the time as the bereaved relative. I coped much better once the funerals were out of the way and I could be at home, doing things in my own way.

Thankfully, you don't have to worry about work either. It just shows, on so many levels, you did the right thing to retire when you did.

My dad died in 2004 and my mum died in 2008. However, at the time my dad died, my mum's Alzheimers was getting to the point where she couldn't live alone. So I ended up sorting my dad's funeral, sorting my mum's care requirements, dealing with my dad's estate, getting authority from the Court of Protection to deal with my mum's affairs and clearing their house and giving up the tenancy on their house - all at the same time!!

But, I got there in the end. I had a massive 'to do list', and as long as something got crossed off, I knew I was moving forward.

One of the 'highlights' of all this was dealing with officialdom. I didn't need a solicitor, as there was no property involved, so I did everything myself, but some organisations were worse than others.

I was actually working at the Halifax at the time, so fortunately that part was very easy. I just walked upstairs and asked one of the girls to do everything.

But these days everything is centralised, it makes things more difficult, for sure. I'm not sure why Halifax needed an Experian report on you. After all, as the executor, they've got to deal with you any way and the accounts have got to be closed. They cant just find another executor if they don't like you!

One of the worse thing for me was clearing my mum and dad's house.

Although it was a rented house, if had been occupied by members of my family since 1921.

The first tenants from the family were my Great Aunt Sarah and Great Uncle Jack. Uncle Jack died in 1947 and Aunt Sarah died in 1954, and the tenancy was taken over by their son, Cousin Jack. It was a largish house for one person, so, when my mum and dad married in 1955 they moved in with Cousin Jack.

Cousin Jack wasn't a well man, as he'd contracted a tropical disease during the war, and died in late 1958, when my mum and dad took over the tenancy.

I brought home all the things from my parents house that I felt were significant, got a house clearer to take the rest. All the artefacts I brought home sat in my loft for about another 7 - 8 yrs. Then as a result of my decluttering, finally felt able to let most of it go. A lot went on eBay and it pleases me that new people are enjoying these articles.

A slow process, but it was the right way for me.

I had a Christmas card from someone I used to work with, and she enclosed her new address, which was the house I lived in, in the 1980's. What a bizarre coindcidence - I didn't know her back in the 80's, so she had no idea it was my house. We hope to meet for coffee soon, so I'm hoping I get an invite so I can look round my old house.

All this got me thinking about my mum and dad's old house. A quick Google revealed it had been sold again this summer, and there were photos of the interior, online!

So I had a virtual look round, so interesting. They have a new kitchen and bathroom, and it's decorated in a modern way. But the 1930's fireplace is still in the front room and the original Victorian fireplace is still in the back room, Upstairs, in the 2 larger bedrooms the built in wardrobes my dad did in the 1960's are still there. The smaller bedroom which was my room, was clearly occupied by another little girl as there were Frozen posters up on the wall.

It was so nice to see what had happened to the house, and nice that another small family had been living there. I also liked that it was still recognisable as the same house.

Do look after yourself, and work everything through at your own pace.

I've closed my own diary for the time being, but I'm sure I will turn up on your diary from time to time to ramble on a bit

xx

[Deleted User] · 7 January 2017 at 5:32PM

What a fascinating post, Goldiegirl:T. Thank you for sharing your experiences:).

How's the pootling going, KC? There's nothing to beat a good pootle is there?:rotfl:

Karmacat · 9 January 2017 at 11:57AM

Ed, your post fell off my multiquote thingy, but thats what I'm replying to. And omigod, I'm outed - I'm interested in exactly what you're describing, but I haven't moved towards it myself with cleaning stuffs.

:eek::o:eek::o:eek: though I've simplified and purified with foods.

Bicarb is good. Vinegar is good, doesn't matter if it's white or malt, though white seems more appropriate for cleaning. It's the recipes - and I think KW's post later on may be good for that.

Soapnuts don't do it for me (sorry El!)

In general, if you need cleaning stuff to buy before you've done your research – I'd say buy the older, original products first, or basic products, eg if you need to buy liquid detergent for the washing machine, don't buy branded bio with added this that and the other, buy the basic/smartprice/value non-bio. It's still Frankstein chemicals, but less of them. As Z points out, everything is made of chemicals – but not all chemicals come from the labs of Dr Frankenstein, and I know that's the stuff you're trying to get rid of for littl'un. (oh rats, I just looked at your original post, and you mention laundry specifically – still, it's the principle I'm rabbiting about

I know bleach does degrade, though, and if you're only using it down the toilet, close the door and open the window, I think it could still be okay. But "I think" isn't really good enough to agree to using it around your child, not when there's a hygienic alternative.

Body Shop – Ed, take a look at their labels. I'm sorry, they're no better than other brands in terms of what you're looking for. Your haul of razor blades is very impressive, though, mille pointes for that :j

Knit_Witch wrote: »

How about this?

http://www.mommypotamus.com/tooth-powder-recipe/

El and KW both mention vinegar and bicarb, and KW's link is interesting about toothpaste. I'm sure bentonite clay is the stuff used for cat litter sometimes? I really, really like that link.

I don't use deodorant at all

that's not as bad as it sounds - I use Body Shop perfume, the White Musk. And truly, people often comment on how nice I smell :rotfl: without sarcasm!

When I've filled in my tax return and started reclaiming the garden from the weeds that grew while I deal with the laurel, this topic will be at the top of the list!

Karmacat · 9 January 2017 at 12:11PM

ZTD wrote: »

So sorry to hear that. :grouphug:

Thank you Z - Gally, earthgirl, SSS and GG too, who've posted since I was last here.

Hmmm...that's not very good - hopefully they had a manual fallback rather than a "come back later."

The registrar - yes, they did, I did wonder if thats what they were going to tell us. She filled things out on the system, then it went down, then she did it manually, but then the printer felt it was receiving instructions from both systems, there was all sorts of faff. I've blocked it, quite frankly ....

What on Earth did they want all that for?

The credit report questionnaire - for ID. Everyone else accepted the phone call and associated prattle as proof that we had the right to send them the death certificate so that they could send us forms to fill in for them to send to probate, but not the Halifax.

:grouphug:

Hope it goes smoothly.

Thank you Z - she was ready to go, that's the truth. As for dismantling the household, there are a fair few issues to resolve before that can happen, but everyone is willing. We just need to take said issues one at a time.

elantan wrote: »

Hey KC how's trix?

Reading with nodding head approval of Ed''s post ... if there's someone that can help here it's deff KC

I'm using soap nuts just now for my washing, it can be made into soap/ shampoo/ cleaning stuff etc, my brother informs me it is similar to the conker tree we have in the UK

I'm good, thanks El - I spent yesterday ferreting about in my sister's garage, throwing things out and cleaning up. Between my mum's death and the funeral, my sister received a firm offer for her French house, which she really needs to sell, and we're cleaning her garage so that she has space to store the things she wants from that house.

Karmacat · 9 January 2017 at 12:36PM

Goldiegirl wrote: »

Hi, KC, nice to see you 'home' again, but was very sorry to hear that you lost your mum. It's an awful thing to happen at any time, but seems particularly bad when it happens over the Christmas period.

Hello Goldie! How nice to see you! It *did* feel bad happening over the holiday period, though at least we got the funeral over with before Christmas - we heard tales of people whose relative had died in mid-December having to wait till January for a funeral date

awful. Christmas and New Year were bad, Boxing Day was elevated to a family myth of wonderfulness by my brother's eldest daughter in law, as I've mentioned :j

Now you are back home again you can take each day as it comes. I found it particularly difficult when my mum and dad died to be 'on show' all the time as the bereaved relative. I coped much better once the funerals were out of the way and I could be at home, doing things in my own way.

Thankfully, you don't have to worry about work either. It just shows, on so many levels, you did the right thing to retire when you did.

Absolutely. Though I've got my brother and sister to know what its really like, I'm not alone in that way.

My dad died in 2004 and my mum died in 2008. However, at the time my dad died, my mum's Alzheimers was getting to the point where she couldn't live alone. So I ended up sorting my dad's funeral, sorting my mum's care requirements, dealing with my dad's estate, getting authority from the Court of Protection to deal with my mum's affairs and clearing their house and giving up the tenancy on their house - all at the same time!!

Dear god, that sounds horrendous. My dad died first, like yours, but he was the one with dementia, vascular sort, so it was my mum that dealt with his things and getting him into a home (she couldn't give personal care when she was 80 years old herself then, it was too much). Mum was sharp as a whip right till the end, though we had a nasty moment with morphine overdosing. But getting a notice of “terminal, inoperable” and simultaneously having a DNR notice put onto your file isn't pleasant, it doesn't matter how old you are.

One of the 'highlights' of all this was dealing with officialdom. I didn't need a solicitor, as there was no property involved, so I did everything myself, but some organisations were worse than others.

I was actually working at the Halifax at the time, so fortunately that part was very easy. I just walked upstairs and asked one of the girls to do everything.

But these days everything is centralised, it makes things more difficult, for sure. I'm not sure why Halifax needed an Experian report on you. After all, as the executor, they've got to deal with you any way and the accounts have got to be closed. They cant just find another executor if they don't like you!

It was just their form of ID – utter madness, I think. I feel bad on behalf of other bereaved people in not complaining about it, but I don't have it in me right now. I complained vociferously, and hopefully intelligently, about it at the time, and hopefully it was recorded by the marketing department, and that will have to be good enough.

One of the worse thing for me was clearing my mum and dad's house. Although it was a rented house, if had been occupied by members of my family since 1921.

The first tenants from the family were my Great Aunt Sarah and Great Uncle Jack. Uncle Jack died in 1947 and Aunt Sarah died in 1954, and the tenancy was taken over by their son, Cousin Jack. It was a largish house for one person, so, when my mum and dad married in 1955 they moved in with Cousin Jack.

Cousin Jack wasn't a well man, as he'd contracted a tropical disease during the war, and died in late 1958, when my mum and dad took over the tenancy.

I brought home all the things from my parents house that I felt were significant, got a house clearer to take the rest. All the artefacts I brought home sat in my loft for about another 7 - 8 yrs. Then as a result of my decluttering, finally felt able to let most of it go. A lot went on eBay and it pleases me that new people are enjoying these articles.

A slow process, but it was the right way for me.

Oh my! That's astonishing – and it must have been incredibly difficult for you. The only parallel I can think of is the council house where my mum grew up – my nan and grandad moved into as a new build in 1933, and we moved my nan out of it, into sheltered housing, in 1984. Me and my brother had lived there too as toddlers. Luckily, though, the family had already had two goes at cleaning up – when my grandad died in 1970, his “workshop room” and the Andersen shelter !!! garden shed were cleaned out. And there was a renovation by the council in the late 1970s, when an upstairs toilet, central heating, and a normal kitchen sink were put in. They both made a big difference to the “stuff” that was there.

That's a wonderful family history around that house for you, though, I love that.

So I had a virtual look round, so interesting. They have a new kitchen and bathroom, and it's decorated in a modern way. But the 1930's fireplace is still in the front room and the original Victorian fireplace is still in the back room, Upstairs, in the 2 larger bedrooms the built in wardrobes my dad did in the 1960's are still there. The smaller bedroom which was my room, was clearly occupied by another little girl as there were Frozen posters up on the wall.

It was so nice to see what had happened to the house, and nice that another small family had been living there. I also liked that it was still recognisable as the same house.

Loving that you had a look around online! And that you liked the results. I saw the two family houses I remember with my brother in our little field trip, and they still looked sturdy and well decorated. The older houses, not so much, or there were empty spaces where they'd been bombed.

Do look after yourself, and work everything through at your own pace.

I've closed my own diary for the time being, but I'm sure I will turn up on your diary from time to time to ramble on a bit

Thank you Goldie! I do hope you pop back every now and then – I don't feel anywhere near retired yet, and your posts are a real reminder of the life I can have after my tax return, after I settle the uproar in my house, and after we sell my mum's house. I am looking after myself, as much as I can – I'm going to re-join the local writers group, for instance.

Karmacat · 9 January 2017 at 12:38PM

Ed - yes, laurel is the cyanide one (a lot of plants have it, eg strawberry leaves) - burning the laurel leaves is not on for this reason, its 1.5% concentration in them I believe, but the wood is okay to burn in the open air.

CBC - hiya! Pootling is good

its all online though today, so I'm up for a walk right now

[Deleted User] · 9 January 2017 at 12:49PM

Karmacat wrote: »

I'm good, thanks El - I spent yesterday ferreting about in my sister's garage, throwing things out and cleaning up. Between my mum's death and the funeral, my sister received a firm offer for her French house, which she really needs to sell, and we're cleaning her garage so that she has space to store the things she wants from that house.

It made me really happy to read that part of your reply to Elantan:T. Not that you spent the day ferreting about in your sister's garage and cleaning up there :eek: but the fact that you could.

It doesn't seem so long ago that you were too tired and ill to do even the most basic things for yourself never mind doing such a lot of physically tiring jobs to help someone else. Good health is so precious, here's to yours continuing for ever now you've regained it:beer: