toddler son 'attacking' baby sister!

mrcow

Person_one wrote: »

He's just trying to get his needs met, he's not evil. He needs attention from his mum and poking the baby works.

Exactly. So stop it working.

She shouldn't be shouting or smacking the child. She should be showing him that it isn't going to work.

Being good gets you attention.
Being bad doesn't.

DigForVictory

Has baby sis "given" brother any presents? It isn't blackmail or bribery, but a handy basis for negotiation.

If it's recent has baby inadvertently spoiled or damaged anything of his (other than sole ownership of parents?)

Can Aunts/Uncles/Godparents start delivering a little time to 'now more interesting as semiautonomous' boy? A lot of adults don't find babies intriguing, but a small person who can manage the loo & express unexpected opinions is a very different proposition.
If you can set up a rolling programme of "Tea with", & cancel it for conduct unbecoming (!) then there are rewards for being the eldest the baby does not & will not get.
Once baby mobile, then you have robust procedures - whomsoever is "in the wrong" has toys removed. That said, I spent many a happy hour in the playpen as the dratted baby couldn't get at me in there...

Have simple, clear rules. Enforce them (even on grownups!) for Everyone's safety. Have clear positive verbal rewards ready. No baby is a saint, so be prepared to chide both parties & watch, watch, watch.

I'd guess you have bonkers o'clock each evening? In so far as work shifts allow, have Both Parents on duty.

They do outgrow this. You can survive it. If you need to vent, come back here!

flutterby_lil

Oh Ani, you have my full understanding and sympathy on this, I have a 5 year old and a 1 year old, about 6 months ago my son (the 5 year old) went through a phase of pinning my daughter up against the wall, kicking her, punching her, the list is endless. It was heartbreaking and it was just an attempt for more attention.

We sternly told him this was not acceptable and dealt with it without giving too much attention for negative behavior but as others have said, to your son any attention is better than none.

Touch wood, my son has grown out of it but I had to get his teacher involved as I was scared what would happen next....she dealt with this by talking to the whole class about siblings, love, and explaining about mummys and daddys having more baby's, because we love said child sooooo much that we want to have more children to be like them and share love.

I try my hardest now to have time with my son everyday when my little one has gone to bed, whether this is just doing his school book, reading to him, playing a little game, but time is hard as I don't get home til 5:30 everyday (Mon - Fri). I have even just got a new job which finishes at 2pm so I can be with him more and leave my little girl at nursery later one day a week so we have just mummy and son time. My OH is very good and tries to spend time with our son just the two of them. He is very jealous of his sister but I think we are turning a corner now. You just need to try and ignore the bad behavior (obviously telling him it is not acceptable!) and reward and be over the top for his good behavior.

Good luck!!

valk_scot

This is so common it's almost a given. Thing is, he's not used to sharing you but she will not know anything but sharing you. It's hard on a toddler to share Mum so he needs more attention, she really won't care if she doesn't get the same amount of attention as you gave him when he was your only baby as long as she gets a decent amount. So you're going to have to switch off the Mummy Bear instincts a leeetle bit and try to spend more time with him, odd though it sounds.


The usual suggestion is to say "Yes, I know, you want me to come and play but sister needs feeding just now. Come and sit with me and I'll read you a story while she eats and then once she's asleep I WILL come and play, okay?" And do it, top priority. If he pokes or hits her say No, not allowed and then distract him with something else even if it's just a bird or something. I used to have a gang of invisible squirrels that followed us around, I used to make up silly stories about them to distract my eldest. In a PO they'd have been trying to lick the stamps or something daft like that!


And finally, I spent quite a bit of DS2's first year telling DS1 not to poke or hit him. Then in DS2's second year I spent quite a bit of time telling DS2 to stop bugging DS1, lol. I am still telling my kids to stop bugging each other, the youngest is now 12 you understand and yes, some poking still goes on! It's part of having more than one child, argh.

BitterAndTwisted

mrcow wrote: »

He's three.

He's more than old enough to appreciate consequences!

There's a world of difference between appreciating consequences and being able to anticipate them. I would argue that at under three years of age he is unable to anticipate them. Kids at that age live solely in the present. He has needs, he expresses them and that's it.

onthecatbus

I'd just like to add - have you asked him to help out much? Say passing a nappy, or holding a bottle or picking up the baby's toy etc, and then completely OOT praising? That can help a bit as they learn that they're 'big brother' and that you need their help

Also, yep, ask the relatives to make him a priority for the first few minutes of their visits... and as another poster said, when he's been especially nice, a little gift from the bby 'to say thank you for being a loving brother' might help?

pollypenny

DS only had my full attention when big sister was in play group or in bed. At other times, when I was feeding him for example, we'd be playing a game, where she was Cinderella or someone and he was a Prince, or we'd be ladies going to Chester with our babies.

In that way she didn't miss out. ( I hope)

McKneff

and I noticed that you said you had even smacked him lightly for hitting her, please don't ever do this. You are giving him mixed messages.


You are telling him it is wrong, then you are doing the same 'wrong' thing to him. ????

an9i77

McKneff wrote: »

and I noticed that you said you had even smacked him lightly for hitting her, please don't ever do this. You are giving him mixed messages.


You are telling him it is wrong, then you are doing the same 'wrong' thing to him. ????

I'm aware of this, and didn't mean to do it .Instinct just took over as he was hitting her so I reacted without thinking, won't do it again as I understand it is sending confusing messages.

tea_lover

My mum bit me when I was his age out of sheer frustration. I refused to stop biting my (big!) sister and a taste of my own medicine was the only thing that worked lol. It didnt do me any lasting damage.

Hope he settles down soon.