OS Singlies - We Do It Our Way!

LavenderBees

Families support each other and sometimes that needs to be financial. If my dad had needed any money from me, I'd have given him everything I had. Whilst, of course, trying to ensure he and my Mam didn't get in that position again .

Unfortunately, as is sometimes seen, some parts of families take more than they give, and when YOU need help, disappear into thin air. Byatt is right with her warning - male or female, whatever your situation is, try not to rely on anyone else financially. The rug is so easily pulled from under you...I'd also extend that warning to relying on anyone emotionally, too, but I'm very cynical these days, unfortunately.

I have paid off my mortgage. Worked bloomin hard to do so, too, as I know that only me is going to provide me with a roof over my head. No hand out or fab inheritance from someone I never met for me, I'm afraid.....if only, eh?

I used to have it in my signature, but it's old hat now.. .(actually not enough room to keep that and my new challenges...). It's actually only been the last few weeks that I've had the emotional ability to look around my wee house, and smile that it's mine all mine. Hadn't had a chance to sink in before...only been 14 months...:rotfl:

Which reminds me, I need to update my signature.

Have a good week, everyone.

LB xx

ellie99

LavenderBees wrote: »

Families support each other and sometimes that needs to be financial.

This is so true. In a perfect world, everyone would be able to manage on their own, but it's not a perfect world, lives are messy, !!!!!! happens, and sometimes people need support. Why wouldn't families help each other if they are able to?

I would give my parents anything they needed (and I mean "give" not "lend").

Last year I paid out a lot (more than a years wages) to support members of my family, most of it a gift which I don't want repaid. It's not realistic to expect a large loan to be repaid when someone isn't earning enough, and much less stressful to just forget about it.
Have my fingers and toes crossed that this year will be much calmer though

LB well done on paying off your mortgage on your own, not an easy task!

Horace

I know that my mum bought the house her parents lived in and paid the mortgage on it as soon as she got a job after leaving school because they had been renting the house they lived in since 1942. They were outworkers for one of the decorative brass factories in Birmingham and so earned a pittance. They may have been skint but they were always happy.

Well done LB on paying off your mortgage though.

Am feeling a bit bemused tonight, I received a text message from an old friend - one that hasn't bothered speaking to me for over 4 years. Now she wants to meet up but I am not sure I want to considering I was dropped like a hot potato last time. This woman and I have been friends since we were 13 - we lost touch after I was married basically because she would let me down after we had arranged to meet. I would drive to the pub which was about 15 miles from home and hang around in the car park and she wouldn't turn up and when I contacted her, she would tell me she was tired and couldn't be bothered:mad: She did this once too often and in the end I waited for her to contact me and she didn't.

Roll forward a few years and I am on Friends Reunited responding to an email about a school reunion (I didn't go to it) but we got in contact again and were friends for ages. She started getting a bit weird after she married (he is old enough to be her dad) and so once again I was dropped like a hot potato until now. She was asking me weird questions tonight about private pensions and how I am nearly 55 so I reminded her that I was a long way off from that as was she (there is a month between us) and that we wouldn't be 55 until next year. I don't want to be wishing my life away as she does - she can't wait to retire. She seems to be very old now probably because her OH is old - he must be about 80-85 now.

Not sure how to proceed to be honest - why contact me after all this time? what does she want? I have different friends and different interests now.

mothernerd

Sorry to be cynical but when this has happened to me it's usually because they have left/ are thinking of leaving the OH and want to see how you manage things. If she is obsessed with retirement and her OH is so much older she's perhaps thinking she can claim a slice of his pension (if he has a works/private one) and wondering if this would give her enough to live on without working.

In one case it was someone I had worked with, didn't hear from for years then was asked to spend the weekend (trying to set me up with a friend of her OH who spent every weekend with them - she spent all weekend talking to me, her OH and his friend did likewise). She turned up again a few months later - was divorcing (the weekend had felt a little 'disjointed' - you know when a married couple puts on a performance for outsiders). I was the only person she knew who lived alone - I was saving to buy my own house when we worked together. Saw her for a while until she established her own social life - never seen her since.

[Deleted User]

I too am a bit cynical. I would never at my age now rely on anyone financially or emotionally.
I've had a bit of bad luck with the opposite sex. And I lost my home because of a debt ridden ex.
That was years ago though . Not my debts thank god but I couldn't live like that. So I got out. Unfortunately I had put in most of my savings from my house sale to by together. Big mistake as I now have a smaller place with the same mortgage I had on a bigger place that was mine in the first place as he was entitled to his share as he was on the new house mortgage.
Hindsights a wonderful thing. I wish I could pay off my mortgage but I'm on minimum wage. The best I have managed is to get my savings to near the maximum levels your allowed to have. Although this is changing I heard with the new UC coming in . I don't get help with my mortgage (often wonder whether its worth the struggle) . The best I've tried for is to have paid the mortgage up a few years before I retire and I do pay into a pension as well as try and save as much as possible. Its always at the back of my mind what if I can't work due to illness....
As for my sort of BF (not sure about this as I class myself as single). He wanted me to sell and buy something with him (again like my last ex has no deposit property or savings) . Who's benefitting from that? Not me. It may sould selfish but I'm too old for that because now at my age I have a chance of being mortgage free and not renting. I have to think about myself now. Does that sound selfish or sensible? I've known him a year but its been very on and off.

mum2one

Imdoingitfor me - you have to put yourself first, I may sound selfish but you need to put yourself first, as you say youve been caught out before, and this is your roof over your head.

It would be different if it was on equal footing and you'd been together and looking at the pipe and slippers finish, but it doesn't seem like that.

for my situ, i never be in a position to have my own house / mortgage, I know that if anything happens to my parents then I get half share (if lose 1 parent), or full house if I lose the 2, I know then if I ever met anyone I would protect this house for my daughter.

For a relationship, I dont think I could be dependant on someone emotionally, physically, even mental aspect, I think I come with too much baggage, the people I seem to meet always or on the take, just can't be bothered.

moneyistooshorttomention

Horace,

It is true in my experience that there are certainly some women (don't know if men operate the same way?) that are "friends if single (or possibly planning on being so shortly) but not real friends". With this man being the age he is, then I'm guessing that she is now very conscious that he is "in God's waiting room" and she is likely to be a widow shortly. Now if she'd not been unreliable to you on a regular basis back along then that would be one thing. However, she has treated you badly on a pretty regular basis, so I'd take the view that she needs to find new friends to line up ready for her likely impending widowhood.

I've had several women friends like that over the years and it was always pretty clear to me that it was a "MITSTM as a friend of mine just for social life type purposes whilst I'm single...as I'm not planning on remaining single for long". That was exactly what happened in the event. The friendship barely survived them getting engaged or similar = their doing.

I think it becomes clear fairly early on in a friendship whether they regard it as a real friendship or a "relationship of convenience friendship" iyswim. Could call it an "interim buddy" I guess...

You do indeed have to protect what equity you have in a house. I'm the first person to disagree with the way there are women who think they've married a mans money, rather than the man, and will try and take some of his house when they split up. But, as we know, there are men these days who will try and do the same.

Back in my younger (and more naïve) days I recall that one of the first things my father said to me at the time I bought my first house was to make sure I protected my ownership of it from any man I subsequently got together with. At that age my mind boggled at the thought of a man trying to take from a woman. I had heard of women taking money from men, but never vice-versa (at least not for "ordinary women in the street" like myself). Over the years since I've also read various accounts of perfectly ordinary (ex) couples where a man has tried (sometimes succeeded) in taking some equity a woman he used to be married to/live with had from her and been glad that I took due note of my fathers words (even if I didn't believe him at the time:o).

moneyistooshorttomention

ImDoingItForMe

- very "on and off" relationship AND he has no money of his own to put into it = steer well clear I would say.

I feel rather suspicious of his intentions from what you say.

So, have the "on and off" relationship if that's what you want, but don't do a joint property investment thing with him.

My own take (errrrm....sorry....but this is how it looks to me.....) is that I'm guessing you've told him about what happened with you and your ex and that your ex has used the laws of this country to take and walk off with some of your equity you had in your last house (ie managed to do it because of his name being on the mortgage, though it doesn't sound like he was paying towards it?????). I would hazard a guess that it wouldn't take Mr Hokey-Cokey (ie first he's in, then he's out, etc) long to try and persuade you into a similar set-up and then he'd hokey-cokey back out door again. Only this time, he'd have some of your money in his back pocket to take with him.

Cynical...moi? But I'd hazard a guess that, if you did what Mr Hokey-Cokey wanted, then you would find yourself a few years down the line having lost being a home-owner at all (ie because a further loss of your house equity into someone else's bank account had meant you couldn't afford a home at all...and...bingo...that would be you back to renting then....).

[Deleted User]

Thanks mum2one and moneyistooshorttomention.
Yes my ex did take a share ( I naievly (sp) thought the relationship would last forever). He did pay his share of the mortgage as that was 50/50 and on my part he didnt come out with 50% when we split as I fought it. He got about a quarter of the equity.
Hokey - Cokey, I love that name, very apt lol. I've already told him I've made a will out to my children who get 50/50 . I won't change my mind as my boys know this already. If I came into a relationship with nothing then I wouldn't expect anything but that's just me.
Even if it did work out in any other relationship I had I would either rent my place or have a contract drawn up to say that if we did ever co habit he doesn't get anyshare and I will pay my own mortgage to prove this.
I'm not loosing a third time..

Horace

Hi all

Wise words indeed - I slept on it last night and decided that I am going to be too busy for the foreseeable future to see this fair weather friend. I will be having a lot on soon with events to organise for the Friends group, a walk leading course that I am doing, study, job search, sorting out my house and garden, visiting my parents as well as seeing my new friends. Friends that stick by me through thick and thin.

I think she is feeling lonely having dropped all her friends and invested her time in the old man. Even before she met him all she would talk about was retiring and she has always been full of airy fairy dreams. I thought she had cleared off to live in Italy which is why I hadn't heard anything from her but that is clearly not the case. She told me her mum has dementia and is refusing to go into a care home - I think it should be something that is discussed with all her brothers and sisters because there are 9 of them. She could actually learn a lot from her mum - who was forced to cope after her husband died, she had to be taught how to pay bills, use the cashpoint at the bank etc. etc because she had never done that because he did it all.

I'mDoingItForMe Protect yourself always and put you and your children first. Mr Hokey-Cokey man seems like a chancer and is out to take advantage especially as he wants you to give up your home and buy a house with him. I can see you being left with nothing a few years' down the line. Time to exchange him for a better model.