Is it possible to stop being a moaner?

dandy-candy

I think most people like to have a moan about something now and again just to get it off their chest, but i probably do moan too much.
I used to ring my mum if something that had really annoyed me and then we'd laugh about it, and leave it at that.
Since mum passed away I have been sharing my problems with DH, but he either just grunts and thats it or gets really angry and says "you should do this" etc.
2 days ago I was really peed at DS1 (who had been out of order) and told DH, who then started an enormous row with him - completely OTT - and now I wished I'd just kept quiet.
Can I learn to not moan about things? How can I not let stuff get to me or is moaning healthy? Who do you moan to?!

balletshoes

dandy-candy wrote: »

I think most people like to have a moan about something now and again just to get it off their chest, but i probably do moan too much.
I used to ring my mum if something that had really annoyed me and then we'd laugh about it, and leave it at that.
Since mum passed away I have been sharing my problems with DH, but he either just grunts and thats it or gets really angry and says "you should do this" etc.
2 days ago I was really peed at DS1 (who had been out of order) and told DH, who then started an enormous row with him - completely OTT - and now I wished I'd just kept quiet.
Can I learn to not moan about things? How can I not let stuff get to me or is moaning healthy? Who do you moan to?!

If your OH doesn't deal with your "moaning" in the way that helps you, then maybe he's not the right sounding board for your moans?

Is there a friend you could ask to be your sounding board? Let them know how your mum and you dealt with it, and ask them if they could step into the breach?

My sounding boards are my colleagues at work - all women like me, who all have kids and an OH, and we can have a good old b*tch/rant/chat if something at home/around us in our home life is niggling us.

Ivrytwr3

Are you Mrs IT3?????!!!!

When my wife brings me an issue the man in me sees it as a problem and problems are to be fixed. Hence your hubby "you need to do this" etc.

What my wife, you and all women are doing are b!tching and do not need solutions.

I had been a victim of this myself for many years until i realised the above.

zabi89

I moan a lot, I'm just a moaning person, I'm moaning now about moaning. I need to stop moaning.

Hermia

dandy-candy wrote: »

I think most people like to have a moan about something now and again just to get it off their chest, but i probably do moan too much.
I used to ring my mum if something that had really annoyed me and then we'd laugh about it, and leave it at that.
Since mum passed away I have been sharing my problems with DH, but he either just grunts and thats it or gets really angry and says "you should do this" etc.
2 days ago I was really peed at DS1 (who had been out of order) and told DH, who then started an enormous row with him - completely OTT - and now I wished I'd just kept quiet.
Can I learn to not moan about things? How can I not let stuff get to me or is moaning healthy? Who do you moan to?!

I think it depends how much you moan. I think if you are whinging to your husband every night or every time you see a friend you start moaning then it's too much. I think moaning can become a habit. I used to work in an office where the women used to just moan all day and I do think it was not helping them mentally.

I do have a tendency to be a bit moany and snarky myself and a few people have pulled me up on it. I do think they are right and I think it was giving people a horrible view of my personality which wasn't accurate. So now I kind of pick my battles and pause before I start whinging. Thinking about things in a more positive way does work. If I had a bad journey to work I used to go into work and let off steam and use words like "nightmare". Now, I think was it really that bad or unexpected given the time of day and has it really upset my day that much. I find rethinking the situation make me feel better.

The questions to ask yourself is firstly whether your moaning is hurting your husband. I think moaners sometimes don't realise that they are just heaping their problems onto others. Also, does moaning really help you. It might make you feel temporarily better, but are you finding it is putting you in a more negative mindset.

Prothet_of_Doom

Mumsnet ? That might be the place to vent ?

DKLS

I learnt to stop moaning after volunteering at a hospice, being there put any of my "problems" into perspective and still does.

heartbreak_star

I'm female, but I'm like IT3 - if I have a problem, I fix it instead of moaning. The only exception to this is being overweight, but I generally moan at and berate myself in the mirror

HBS x

Arlandria606

Ivrytwr3 wrote: »

Are you Mrs IT3?????!!!!

When my wife brings me an issue the man in me sees it as a problem and problems are to be fixed. Hence your hubby "you need to do this" etc.

What my wife, you and all women are doing are b!tching and do not need solutions.

I had been a victim of this myself for many years until i realised the above.

This is an incredibly sexist view. If you go through life expecting all women to behave one way and all men another, you're going to be wrong. A lot.

That said, it does raise the valid point that some people think moaning always requires a solution, and some people think moaning always requires a sympathetic ear.

I tend to get annoyed by things fairly easily and find that having a bit of a moan about it helps me to put it aside and get on with the important things (i.e. moaning is the fix). I also have problems that I appreciate other people's perspectives on, and would want to hear potential solutions to them.

What I do with my "sounding boards" is try to make it clear whether I'm looking to have a rant, or find a solution. That way they know what to expect and, if they don't have a solution to suggest (or want to suggest something when I've indicated it's a rant) they can do so carefully so as not to further annoy or upset me by "doing the wrong thing". They're aware of this and do the same when they moan to me so that I can better be supportive of them. That way there's no misunderstandings, more solutions, and much fewer hurt feelings.

In your case specifically, I would talk to your DH and say that sometimes, you don't need him to fix it, you just need a moan. See what he says to that - if he's open to being your sounding board, great, the two of you just need to communicate whether you're after an ear or a fix in each situation.

If he's not open to that, then find someone else who is, and try to bring "rants" to them rather than DH.

I'd also mention to him that disciplining your children should be done together, not independently by one parent, and that you would rather discuss any tellings-off before they happen so that the children get a consistent attitude and response from each parent. Though maybe leave that one for another time if he reacts badly to asking about being your sounding board!

Gigervamp

How often do you moan?

I love my husband dearly, but he's a very pessimistic, negative person and it does get very tiring listening to it all the time.

ameliarate

Arlandria606 wrote: »

This is an incredibly sexist view. If you go through life expecting all women to behave one way and all men another, you're going to be wrong. A lot.

That said, it does raise the valid point that some people think moaning always requires a solution, and some people think moaning always requires a sympathetic ear.

I tend to get annoyed by things fairly easily and find that having a bit of a moan about it helps me to put it aside and get on with the important things (i.e. moaning is the fix). I also have problems that I appreciate other people's perspectives on, and would want to hear potential solutions to them.

What I do with my "sounding boards" is try to make it clear whether I'm looking to have a rant, or find a solution. That way they know what to expect and, if they don't have a solution to suggest (or want to suggest something when I've indicated it's a rant) they can do so carefully so as not to further annoy or upset me by "doing the wrong thing". They're aware of this and do the same when they moan to me so that I can better be supportive of them. That way there's no misunderstandings, more solutions, and much fewer hurt feelings.

In your case specifically, I would talk to your DH and say that sometimes, you don't need him to fix it, you just need a moan. See what he says to that - if he's open to being your sounding board, great, the two of you just need to communicate whether you're after an ear or a fix in each situation.

If he's not open to that, then find someone else who is, and try to bring "rants" to them rather than DH.

I'd also mention to him that disciplining your children should be done together, not independently by one parent, and that you would rather discuss any tellings-off before they happen so that the children get a consistent attitude and response from each parent. Though maybe leave that one for another time if he reacts badly to asking about being your sounding board!

It is true that men often do seem to want to find a solution whereas women just want to vent. My OH is exactly the same. I used to do all my moaning to my sister, who sadly died last year. I am still trying to find someone to moan to, my daughter says I can vent to her, but somehow it doesn't seem quite right.

OP, find another way of venting, if that's what you are doing. If your OH is like mine and wants to solve anything moaning at him just won't help.