Stages of grief?

hazyjo

Lost my dad a year and a half ago - still feel teary talking about him/things in general. I am extra-sensitive about EVERYTHING still and cry lots. In another way, it's made me stronger. I stood up to my (awful) line manager after it all - partly cos you feel defensive and you channel the emotions out in other ways.

I never really felt anger (he'd battled cancer on and off for 6 years), but there were lots of family things that wound me up/made me totally paranoid. I did feel angry with people generally, but not angry he'd gone, just very sad.

We were all very much 'together' during and after, but there were still lots of niggly things. Really, if you're feeling it now, try to realise it's short term.

You can go along to 'see' him any time before the funeral. Don't forget that. Suits some people, not others. I chose not to, but my mum, sister, uncle and family friend did. I always felt a bit paranoid over the fact I didn't go (wonder what my sister said). Also, I said something to her after the funeral like 'oh, I didn't really get a chance to talk to them...' and she said 'yeah, we noticed' (haha). That cut deep and I wish I'd bitten back at the time (although that could well have caused a LOT of resentment in later years which I was keen to avoid).

I just wanted to be with my three close friends and spoke with family/people when I saw them. I didn't go round saying to everyone 'thanks for coming', etc, but did talk to MANY people, including some my sis hadn't really talked to. Seeing as I couldn't speak without crying, and didn't want sympathy, I wanted to sit away in a corner at the wake. It's not how I want to greet family members I've not seen for years. It will all feel totally surreal and, if you're anything like me, you won't feel like making small talk with people. I could avoid it more at the wake, but after the funeral I wasn't prepared to be talking to so many people outside the crem. I think I just swallowed my 'chokes' and dug my nails into the palm of my hand.

We do all deal with it in different ways. My sis was a real daddy's girl, but she hid it all better than us. My mum used me as an emotional ear and would be in tears often down the phone (still is, but less so).

Sis got the call he'd died before me and gone round there before I heard. That niggled me too. There will be 100 things that niggle.

So I would definitely say 'paranoia' was the feeling I was unprepared for (after grief, obviously!).

Best thing for me was when three close friends said they'd like to come to support me. Had just split with my ex (although he did come to the funeral - we were on good terms), and didn't want to bring my BF as it wasn't the place to meet everyone and it was very early days. The fact my friends came really touched me and their support was invaluable. Wouldn't have got through it without them there. (We'd gone to one of their mum's funerals, but that was a couple of decades ago so I wasn't expecting it.)

As above, there will be tiny times you 'forget'. I could 'hear' him last night in my head. The way my BF was eating last night reminded me of him and, for a second, I could imagine he was there like he'd never gone. Didn't tell him, and didn't cry. Tried to think of it as a nice memory. Now and again, I put myself in my mum's shoes and realise how hard it is for her. Yes, I'm grieving too, and I don't actually think I get 'recognition' from my mum for that. I'll get upset if she gets upset and she'll be saying things from her POV, and then she'll realise I'm upset and say 'I know it's not just me.. we're all upset still'. She's never asked me how I'm coping with it, if I talk about him, if I get upset... I don't think our parents really think of us like that.

My ex's dad died within about a year before mine so we went through it twice. I remember once he rang his mum and came within a hair's breath of saying 'how's Dad?'. He was so used to saying it and he was devasted afterwards.

Anyway, surround yourself with supportive people. My BF was next to useless on the day he died, but was great at other times (and is fantastic now).

It's a time for close FRIENDS' support IMO. Not always partners or family.

Hugs.

Jx

DigForVictory

When you know when the colonoscopy is, make sure Someone Else is minding mum those days (prep & scope) as you will not want to leave the bathroom prep day. Nor answer the phone.

If your husband hasn't grasped that he is to cry on, tell him I said so.

Also that he's to be there (if humanly possible) whilst you're scoped, as odds on you will be medicated to the point of certainly can't drive & probably can't remember, but a familiar face & hand to clutch are wonderful things.

It's part of looking after yourself. As you contemplate everything else, clear soup, bouillon powder, & nappy cream may not seem important but they are part of looking after yourself. Having a takeaway planned for the evening is, too.

Hang in there! Big(Fat von D)Hug!

lostinrates

FatVonD wrote: »

Thank you all for your kind words and help, you're all much nicer people than me, I'd have avoided this thread at all costs

There isn't anybody else to help as I'm an only child but you are all right re the saying goodbyes, I felt he was there the first night I stayed over in his bed and, if he's watching me, he'd be proud that I'm helping my mum as he knows what a difficult relationship she and I have.

In slightly better news my ovarian scan was clear (colonoscopy to go now) and the recruiter rang to say that one of the other interviewees interview had gone badly so it's now between just 2 of us for the job

I just want to give so e reassurance on the colonoscopy.

I had a colonoscopy last year and read loads of online stuff about it. My gastero suggested a slightly different way to prep,(involving eating less starting earlier than the advice is given) which for me was easier
And when I holed my self up on prep day, surrounded by magazines, and Vaseline (highly recommended ,..a barrier cream of some sort:o) the whole thing was actually rather easy and not that stressful or exhausting.

In fact, I'd say I can now see why people like colonic irrigation. I felt better on those empty days than I have felt for ages, even though i regularly fast, feeling properly empty was strangely uplifting and funny. The procedure itself is one of the least bad I've ever had. I go into hospital for lots of things sadly and things no one raises a hair at, like eye clinic. Well, I'd happily never have my eyes tested again and have a monthly colonoscopy if I could make that swap! Its really ok.

Admittedly the gastero tea laughed and said no one has ever said 'ooh, that's tickles....' Before me:rotfl: but really, its very very ok. I was very relaxed, which I think makes all the difference and also, the 'opinion flight movie' was fascinating to me...:o:D. If you are interested and not positioned so you can see it ask them if you can see the screen, for me thinking about that really I helped, I was able to totally disconnect IYSWIM.



I cannot help with the rest, but I hope that helps a little.

seven-day-weekend

A dear friend of mine has just died in Spain, where he lived. I have written to his wife and told her to take time and space to grieve, to cry, shout , swear, whatever it takes, and not try to be brave or strong (I know what she's like, she'll be trying to look after other people).

I hope I've given her good advice

FatVonD

Thanks again, all. Hubby will be great for the colonoscopy, he was very supportive when I had a tooth out, I just think that, if you've never lost someone yourself before (and neither of us has) then it's real unchartered territory and you don't know what to do or say or how to be, I know I've always found it awkward. I had a chat with my old boss this morning who has lost both her parents and she took it all in her stride and a friend who has recently lost her mum gets back from holiday tomorrow and (if I don't get the job) we will both be freelancing at the same place next month so we can both bend each other's ears!

I think I've had a colonoscopy before (like you'd forget something like that :rotfl: ), I certainly remember looking at it on a little TV screen. My IBS is quite bad at times if I eat the wrong things so I've learned never to be too far away from a toilet so the prep shouldn't be too different to my 'normal' :eek:

I am off to my interview shortly, fingers crossed!

tattycath

Good luck in your interview.