Stages of grief?

DigForVictory

Dear Gods - that sounds like most folks' idea of hell.
I am *so* glad Cruse could offer something by way of support & can only add my Hug to the pile.

Big(FatVonD)Hug

Keep coming back as you need to - and of course delete any posts you need to, even though I'm not certain your mum would recognise herself.

mudgekin

You simply have to take it day by day for however long it fakes. I desperately searched websites to find out how long grief lasts and 2 years on I still wonder how long it is going to take.

I contacted cruise within the first couple of weeks after mum died because I felt the world was caving in around me and they listened for about an hour but said to me that what was going on was normal for this stage whatever that was. I suppose she meant the acute stage.

I really should contact them again now as they advised that if things were still hideous after 6 months or so to contact them again to set up counseling sessions.

You are going to feel so many things all tumbling around and it seems spiraling through the standard stages of grieving from hour to hour.

All I can say is get the funeral over, say your goodbyes however you can and that doesn't need you to have his body beside you to do that but sit quietly in a special place and tell him your feelings. To this day I do that regularly and it kind of keeps me hanging in there. I still have rotten days but have to get through them

Be kind to yourself and try to have some time out for something like a pamper day. I ended up booking sessions for DH and I in a spa and had flotation sessions followed by a hot stone massage. I cried my eyes out during them but I had explained to the owner what I had gone through. That helped tons as it released some of the tension.

My heart goes out to you because it is hard but you do muddle through.

Georgiegirl256

There are four stages:

Shock
Denial
Anger
Acceptance

Both you and your mum will have so many emotions swirling round at the moment, and you'll both deal with it in the best way you can. She'll have her way of trying to cope and you'll have yours, and sometimes these ways will conflict with one another. I guess it's natural that everyone will be asking the widow how she's doing and how she's coping, but people need to realise that you need the support too. I think it's a good idea to phone Cruse if that's what you feel you need.

I'm going to say something on here that I haven't mentioned before. My Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer (there's nothing they can do) about a month or so ago. Similar situation in a way in that we were running round worrying about my Mam who's been through ill health, when it was my Dad who even though he had some symptoms, and went to numourous trips to the doctor, went undiagnosed, and to say I'm angry and upset is an understatement.

So today we (me and my Mam) went to the doctors (he said we could if we wanted to talk) as we had some questions. I felt it sort of got turned around to me (even though my Mam wanted to know the answers too), that I was in denial (I'm not), and I got told that I was going through stages of grieving about the situation. I know I am, I'm very aware of the stages and how I'm feeling. In day to day life we are all carrying on as normal, you've got to, and I know what the situation is, but because in the doctors I got emotional, I left getting the feeling that he thought I was neurotic and needed counselling. When really, I was just trying to get some answers, and getting frustrated that the medical profession has failed him.

I know it's a different situation in that your Dad has sadly passed, but what I'm trying to say is people look at you and seem to make their own judgements about how you are coping. People look at me and think because I let out all my emotions that I'm not coping and "would I benefit from seeing someone about it?", and people maybe look at you and think "oh, she seems to be keeping it together and staying strong, we needn't ask how she is, but oh, her poor Mum needs more support"

Crying at the slightest thing is only natural, your emotions will be all over the place, and you'll probably find that the weirdest thing will set you off, it's normal.

I'm lucky in that my husband bears the brunt of my rants when I feel no one else is listening to me. I hope you find someone that you can talk to and let it all out, you've probably got lots of pent up emotion and stress from even before your Dad passed away.

If you're anything like me and are a real Daddy's girl and feel that your Mum doesn't understand you, then it's probably for the best that you see a counselor and talk to them. Besides, your Mum is going through her own grief, albeit in a different way to you.

If you ever feel you need to talk, I'm only a PM away.

jemb

Please try and get her to turn her idea re the bowel. My Dad has been going through treatment for bowel cancer and the removal has been hard to adjust to for him. It's not something she should think of as a cautionary. He was in hospital for 4 weeks, has a colostomy bag now, awaiting consultants decision on trying the reversal, which can leave you incontinent should it go wrong. He has only just 7 months later started to be allowed to lift things heavier than a half full kettle.

You really need some time as you're still in coping function at the moment for your Mum. It will hit you alot worse with you not being able to grieve properly now (My dad was doing the same you are but for his Dad and didnt have time to greive his Mum, it then floored him when it hit). Could you get someone in to help your Mum rather than have to do everything yourself? Have you any Brothers or Sisters? As they need to be taking on some of the load (again, my Dad does have a Sister ut she was a waste of time and effort when my Grandma died).

lillie_put

I am so very sorry for your loss
I went through similar with my mum

He will always be with you in your memories and your heart
nobody can take that from you,
can you go to the chapel of rest/funeral parlour and see your dad?
I no it isn't the same but you could sit their with him and talk just you an your dad and I am sure he will hear and understand your sadness
you may not of had the chance to say goodbye looking after your mum and everything
but he will no his lovely girl LOVES HIM
take care
be kind to yourself right a letter to him if you think it would help
read it out to him if you are able to get to see him
thinking of you here if you would like a chat
lots love lillie_put

Person_one

This book helped me when I was drowning in a sea of platitudes, it's very different to other books about bereavement. Not for everybody but worth a look:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Youll-Get-Over-It-Bereavement/dp/0140236082

FatVonD

Thank you all for your kind words and help, you're all much nicer people than me, I'd have avoided this thread at all costs

There isn't anybody else to help as I'm an only child but you are all right re the saying goodbyes, I felt he was there the first night I stayed over in his bed and, if he's watching me, he'd be proud that I'm helping my mum as he knows what a difficult relationship she and I have.

In slightly better news my ovarian scan was clear (colonoscopy to go now) and the recruiter rang to say that one of the other interviewees interview had gone badly so it's now between just 2 of us for the job

joansgirl

lillie_put wrote: »

I am so very sorry for your loss
I went through similar with my mum

He will always be with you in your memories and your heart
nobody can take that from you,
can you go to the chapel of rest/funeral parlour and see your dad?
I no it isn't the same but you could sit their with him and talk just you an your dad and I am sure he will hear and understand your sadness
you may not of had the chance to say goodbye looking after your mum and everything
but he will no his lovely girl LOVES HIM
take care
be kind to yourself right a letter to him if you think it would help
read it out to him if you are able to get to see him
thinking of you here if you would like a chat
lots love lillie_put

Ah yes, this was something I forgot. I wrote him a letter and had it put in the coffin with him. It helped.

FatVonD

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I'm going to say something on here that I haven't mentioned before. My Dad was diagnosed with bowel cancer and secondary liver cancer (there's nothing they can do) about a month or so ago. Similar situation in a way in that we were running round worrying about my Mam who's been through ill health, when it was my Dad who even though he had some symptoms, and went to numourous trips to the doctor, went undiagnosed, and to say I'm angry and upset is an understatement.

So today we (me and my Mam) went to the doctors (he said we could if we wanted to talk) as we had some questions. I felt it sort of got turned around to me (even though my Mam wanted to know the answers too), that I was in denial (I'm not), and I got told that I was going through stages of grieving about the situation. I know I am, I'm very aware of the stages and how I'm feeling. In day to day life we are all carrying on as normal, you've got to, and I know what the situation is, but because in the doctors I got emotional, I left getting the feeling that he thought I was neurotic and needed counselling. When really, I was just trying to get some answers, and getting frustrated that the medical profession has failed him.

I'm sorry to hear about your dad and I think you are doing the right thing. I would never actually sue the NHS as they are underfunded as it is but if people are making mistakes then it needs to be brought to light.

My dad had seen the doctor about loss of appetite/feeling full (a symptom of stomach cancer) and was given steroids to stimulate his appetite. He'd been checked for prostate cancer (which was clear) as he needed to wee often but his cancer had spread from the stomach to surrounding areas so maybe something was pressing on his bladder? He had a chest infection following a cough and was prescribed antibiotics twice (my own GP suggested, before I told her he'd had a chest infection, that if the cancer had spread to his lungs then it would be likely that he would have actually died of a chest infection) but not hospitalized. The day before he died his GP said there might be something wrong with his liver.

That said, since it had spread so far and still been symptomless I'm glad he at least died at home and not after lots of surgery and chemicals.

This_Year

You're trying to hold it all in to be there for your Mum but we all need to be able to give way to emotions at times. Your husband will have to cope - you need him to be strong so you can be strong for your Mum.
I'm glad that speaking to Cruse was some help, it never hurts to reach out when you need someone.
Please look after yourself too!