Stages of grief?

FatVonD

Are there different ones?

tea_lover

You don't sound like a selfish cow at all, far from it. You've got a lot to deal with and you're putting others first - how is that selfish?

Maybe have a look at the Cruse website, there might be something helpful on there.

Hope your hospital appointment and interview go well, and best wishes for the funeral. Take care.

PoorCharleyBear

I am sorry for your loss...losing a parent is a huge blow.

There is no right and wrong way to grieve, the only thing is that you will probably experience most of the stages (on attached link) at some point- in no particular order, some more than once and some briefly, some hang around for ages.

My mother died 18 months ago and my sister was angry with everyone (stopped talking to her siblings) and I felt alone. Only a year on did I start shedding tears for my mum and realising how much I missed her. It gets me at strange moments. I have been angry with my sister for being so selfish- and the day my mother died, she threw out all her possessions. My mother had very little but I wanted something like an ornament, a photo, or her shawl. But it all went to the charity shop or bin. My sister acted like a complete cow. I've not properly forgiven her.
But all of this is to illustrate that we deal with things differently - even in the same family.

Have a look at
http://federation.edu.au/__data/assets/pdf_file/0003/5493/tip_sheet_grief.pdf
it may give you some comfort that you are quite normal- 'normal' has a huge range to cover.

Take care of yourself. It is very early in the grieving process yet.

clairec79

Quite often it's refered as DADA
Denial
Anger
Depression (all the tears part fit here)
Acceptance

But it's not linear and you may jump about from one to another before finally reaching the acceptance stage where you can start to heal

rpc

It isn't selfish at all to want to grieve.

You are obviously your mum's crutch during her difficult time, but who is supporting you through yours? Coping alone is often not a good strategy and we can't be strong all the time. It helped me so much when my dad was diagnosed with cancer that I could be strong for my mum and then go home and cry with my wife. It sounds like you need that sort of outlet, whether it is a friend, a relative or a professional.

Maybe a chat with cruse might help you?

FatVonD

rpc wrote: »

It isn't selfish at all to want to grieve.

You are obviously your mum's crutch during her difficult time, but who is supporting you through yours? Coping alone is often not a good strategy and we can't be strong all the time. It helped me so much when my dad was diagnosed with cancer that I could be strong for my mum and then go home and cry with my wife. It sounds like you need that sort of outlet, whether it is a friend, a relative or a professional.

Maybe a chat with cruse might help you?

I don't have anybody really. My son gave me a hug the first day but he's only 16 so it's not fair to put that burden onto him. My husband just looks terrified that he might have to deal with me crying and says I need to take a step back from helping my mum.

I will give Cruse a call.

Thank you all.

Errata

Do give Cruse a call, and remember you can say your own goodbye to your dad whenever you want to, and as many times as you want to, there's no 'proper' or even 'final' way of doing it. He'll be there for you.

gwynlas

Well I am going to say sorry for your loss and for all that you are having to deal with ,over what should have been the festive period.

You are doing remarkably well given the circumstances. There are stages of grief but they might overlap ,or appear out of order, only if grieving becomes prolonged does it become a problem. I burst into tears 2 years after my dad died whilst lokking for a Fathers day card having momentarily forgotten but was ok.

Knowing that your parents were together for so long must mean that your mother must be about 80 years old and is now set adrift for the first time in her life. She is also doing remarkably well and is trying to keep herself occupied as her way of coping. Allow her to pile up the paperwork and tell her that you take it away to put into order, you can then go through it at your own pace.

It might be that she is developing symptoms of dementia which have been masked by your fathers help in sticking to a routine i.e. not trusting diagnosis, seeking second opinions etc as well as not remembering PIN number. Or it might be the case that grief as temporarily unhinged her and that given time and support she will get better. Will she allow you to visit Gp with her as it might be useful to have him involved from the beginning? They can help with any onward referrals needed.

In my opinion a period of sick leave might help you as you've not even had the closure of the funeral as yetr and are already back at work. You could use the time off productively helping to sort our your parents affairs, rescuing any bits and pieces of your fathers that you might wish to keep and including time for yourself doing something that you enjoy before going back.

Take your time, make allowances for mum and remember the support you can get from the forum.

myonlysunshine

I also agree with contacting Cruse...I lost my mum 2 years ago and still feel angry now, I should have spoken to someone earlier but felt like I had to be the 'carer' and the crutch to the rest of the family as I was in shock for the first few months and didn't break down.

The problem with grief is that you can't escape it and you need to give yourself time to grieve for your dad, it will only effect other parts of your life if you do not give yourself time to deal with your loss too.

I know you don't want sorry posts, but my thoughts are with you at this very difficult time x

FatVonD

gwynlas wrote: »

Well I am going to say sorry for your loss and for all that you are having to deal with ,over what should have been the festive period.

You are doing remarkably well given the circumstances. There are stages of grief but they might overlap ,or appear out of order, only if grieving becomes prolonged does it become a problem. I burst into tears 2 years after my dad died whilst lokking for a Fathers day card having momentarily forgotten but was ok.

Knowing that your parents were together for so long must mean that your mother must be about 80 years old and is now set adrift for the first time in her life. She is also doing remarkably well and is trying to keep herself occupied as her way of coping. Allow her to pile up the paperwork and tell her that you take it away to put into order, you can then go through it at your own pace.

It might be that she is developing symptoms of dementia which have been masked by your fathers help in sticking to a routine i.e. not trusting diagnosis, seeking second opinions etc as well as not remembering PIN number. Or it might be the case that grief as temporarily unhinged her and that given time and support she will get better. Will she allow you to visit Gp with her as it might be useful to have him involved from the beginning? They can help with any onward referrals needed.

In my opinion a period of sick leave might help you as you've not even had the closure of the funeral as yetr and are already back at work. You could use the time off productively helping to sort our your parents affairs, rescuing any bits and pieces of your fathers that you might wish to keep and including time for yourself doing something that you enjoy before going back.

Take your time, make allowances for mum and remember the support you can get from the forum.

Thank you.

I do think she may be in the early stages of dementia, my dad had mentioned her getting forgetful but it may have been made worse by what's happened.

I can't really afford not to work, I was made redundant at the beginning of December and have been freelancing. I cancelled one weeks work and turned down work for this week but I have provisional bookings now until the end of May (unless I get the job of course) and I really need to work as I am the main breadwinner.

I have looked at all the links and have just given Cruse a call and do feel a lot better for talking about it all.

Thank you all again.

joansgirl

Speaking from experience I can tell you that you just have to take each day as it comes. When my husband died I felt like I didn't have the opportunity to say goodbye either at the time of death or at the funeral. There were other people there at both times and they were falling apart more than me. I did get very depressed and it took a long time to get back to anything like normal. I'm not going to say it took a long time to get over it because you don't. You learn to live with it.


Seeings as you seem to be expected to take charge of everything I'd ration my time if I was you. I know it's hard dealing with your Mum, she's grieving too and probably feels angry about everything (hence the getting rid of all his stuff) and she's going to take it out on you. You need to maybe limit the amount of time you spend with her so you don't get overwhelmed. Although she needs you, you HAVE to take time out for yourself. I think you also need to be firm about this stuff she wants you to sort out. If it doesn't need sorting then tell her, firmly. Scoop it all up and take it home and stick it in the back of the cupboard until/if it becomes relevant.


As for saying goodbye, you will do it in your own time. There's no right or wrong time and no time limit.


And breathe. Cruse or even Samaritans can help. I didn't have anybody to talk to either so just got on with it. Everyone said how well I was coping but they didn't see me crying whilst walking the dog or turning the telly off because an advert was using a piece of his favourite music. And Tbh it doesn't matter how much you talk about it to somebody else, you've got to get it straight in your own head.


I know what you're going through my love and you have my deepest, deepest sympathy not just for your loss but for the mental anguish you're feeling. I know it's an old adage but time is a great healer. Just don't rush things. And if you want to have a cry don't worry about your hubby. Just do it. He'll have to cope, won't he.


Chin up, chuck. We're all here for you if you want to have a rant.