Parental control issues with separated parents

littleredhen

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If you want to get into a battle of wits over your ex's standard of parenting, just go ahead but it's going to get you nowhere, except tearing your hair out and your children miserable.

If you can't agree then you're just going to have to agree to disagree. You cannot have control over what happens in someone else's house, no matter how much you would like to.

Criticising and phoning up to complain is only going to succeed in putting the ex's back up and make him intransigent. This is a battle that you cannot win, so give it up.

Thanks, this is a conclusion I agree with, however the protective instinct in me sometimes takes over, most of the time I do and say nothing, we don't speak anyway so if I do contact him it's by email. I will give up and leave him to it - thanks for your advice

jetplane

The children should be ok for 30 mins I wonder what she saw in 30 mins that traumatized her so much? Did you ask your 15 year old? If his step children are used to this stuff then I can see how your daughter would feel uncomfortable asking them to turn the TV over and to be honest she probably doesn't have much choice, but if they are watching this when your ex is in the house she should be able to tell him that she feels uncomfortable. I cant imagine it being much fun for her if she has to sit upstairs alone though. maybe your 15 year old could speak up and support her?

marisco_2

littleredhen wrote: »

most of the time I do and say nothing, we don't speak anyway so if I do contact him it's by email. I will give up and leave him to it - thanks for your advice

Are your children aware of how limited interaction is between yourself and their dad? Could there be an element of them playing you off against one another by making up certain freedoms?

Which films is your 12 year old being allowed to watch that cause her such distress? I am surprised that at her age she doesn't feel able to just take herself off to her room in her dads home, to read a book or tune into her ipod etc. That is what I would have done at that age if something was being viewed that I didn't like.

Seanymph

I just wanted to offer my sympathy and understanding.

I have to say my kids didn't watch 15's until they were 15, 18's until they were 18 and they didn't go clubbing until then either.

Their father (when they visited) didn't have bedtimes, he believed children should 'self disciipline' apparently - and it was a free for all at his house.

they regularly missed monday's from school because they were too exhausted.

Fortunately he moved away and stopped seeing them.

I can't offer anything constructive, apart from saying I had exactly the same issue - my standards were not his. I couldn't get him to listen and parent collaboratively and ultimately they stopped wanting to see him and he moved.

It's a trial isn't it.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

If it was a horror movie, to be honest, getting scared by them is a rite of passage. But I'm pretty sure you'd have mentioned it had been an 18 rated thing.

Leaving them for such a short time to pick up his partner is fine - there's no law that says otherwise. And the age old teenage job of babysitter would be illegal if there were.


Even in school, sometimes it is necessary to show 15 rated movies to younger children - for example, my eldest watched a 15 rated Shakespeare retelling as part of her English work.


If he isn't plying them with cigarettes, beer or pornography or disappearing for the whole night, it's really not a lot to do with you what happens there; he has parental responsibility and has the right to parent as he sees fit, just as he can't stop you choosing to baby them or restrict their viewing/gaming/browsing to U ratings if you decide to do so.


Basically, you're going to have to trust him. Even though you disagree with him.

sulkisu

littleredhen wrote: »

He made no comment. I emailed him in the morning about leaving them alone in the house in the evening even for a short while, I am parent to them 12 nights out of 14 and I manage to be in with them every night!
And watching inappropriate tv and got no reply. Just before kids were due to go back to I contacted him again as 12 y o was still in my bed but still nothing. I told her that she had to be ok sleeping in her own bed for two nights otherwise we would have to rethink which she did end up doing.
I guess my opening statement was just one incident in lots of little ones but they add up to a lack of parental responsibility and I do think some of it is for an easy life while I get to,do the discipline.

I must be missing something, because I don't see a lack of parental responsibility - just a father who does things a different way. You sound particularly annoyed that he left them alone for a short time, but it's not really a big deal.
Is your 12 year old exceptionally timid or nervous - as it is unusual at that age to be too scared to go bed alone at 9.30 p.m?

FBaby

Why did she call you at 3 am rather than waking her dad up or sister if she was so frightened?

peachyprice

littleredhen wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's advice and opinion
I guess one of the problems I have recently have is that ex left kids alone after 9pm while out to pick up partner , think he was gone about 30 mins, the kids watched what I would call an inappropriate programme on tv. My 12 year old ended up phoning me at 3am having nightmares. She says she was too embarrassed to ask kids to switch programmes and too afraid to go upstairs. I went to fetch her from her dad's and she spent the next 5nights sleeping in my bed. She was at his again last weekend and has done the same again on her return. Certain things worry me about what she sees on telly, she is 12, I am not trying to wrap her up in cottonwool and I am not a prude but I just don't agree that she needs to be exposed to 15 films every other weeekend

I would be worried about this behaviour in a 12yo, it's not normal for a child of that age to be so frightened of a TV program that's being shown at 9pm that she can't sleep for 5 nights. Is she a particularly anxious, over-sensitive child?

con1888

Leaving them for 30 mins at their ages is not a big deal at all. Especially if the 15 year old was at home.

Also, sleeping in your bed for 5 nights after being scared is not normal for a 12 year old. at 12 years old I watched some 18 rated horror films, yes I was a bit scared but not so much that I had to sleep in my parents bed... is your 12 year old a bit immature for her age or has she some anxiety problems?