Parental control issues with separated parents

Trying_to_be_good

I think it's really difficult to find a system that works as we're all different in what we think is appropriate.

I'm a (non-resident) step-parent with four step kids now aged 12-16. They were 5-9 when I first met them. I put my foot down at them having any alcohol until they were 12, then shandy or very small glass of wine (or fizz if we were celebrating).

They all have smart phones and laptops from their mother, with no controls, which I don't think is appropriate but she does, and all their friends apparently have similar access. We've not had any cyber bullying incidents.

For films, we've always taken them to 12A (so the youngest would have been only 5 or 6), albeit staying in the cinema with them (our time together is limited so we tend to do stuff together anyway). For older films, I tend to check the IMDB parents' guide who give a realistic view of the film (here's a link for Scary Movie 3: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0306047/parentalguide) as certificates for older films were much more strictly applied.

There will be a middle road, but you'll need to compromise and decide how far you're prepared to go.

marisco_2

At 12 and 15 it is not so unusual that your children are showing resistance to the parental controls you have in place. Even more so when their father has a different approach and does not apply such restrictions. You have to be careful not to wrap kids up in cotton wool and create too safe an environment to raise them in. Doing this can lead young people to be naïve and more vulnerable rather than protected. I think at their ages you could start to allow more freedom.

Bare in mind that many young people have a good grasp of technology. Don't be surprised if your kids have learned how to bypass much of the security you have set up. Showing a level of trust in them could go a long way to eliminating how far your children choose to push boundaries.

jetplane

I agree, many children play parents off even when they live together and many parents don't support each other with common discipline so although parents should be consistent often they are not. Your children just have to respect your rules and at 12 and 15 they are old enough to understand. As another poster said as long as they are not in danger.

littleredhen

Nadstar wrote: »

I thought that 12a was an extension of PG, ie, those over 12 can watch as per and those below are able to so long as they have adult with them. So a 12yro would not need additional supervision? Certainly, I have taken my far, far younger daughter into 12a rated films and nobody batted an eyelid.

A 12a means an under 12 year old must be accompanied by an over 18 year old

littleredhen

Thanks for everyone's advice and opinion

Lieja

littleredhen wrote: »

Thanks for everyone's advice and opinion
I guess one of the problems I have recently have is that ex left kids alone after 9pm while out to pick up partner , think he was gone about 30 mins, the kids watched what I would call an inappropriate programme on tv. My 12 year old ended up phoning me at 3am having nightmares. She says she was too embarrassed to ask kids to switch programmes and too afraid to go upstairs. I went to fetch her from her dad's and she spent the next 5nights sleeping in my bed. She was at his again last weekend and has done the same again on her return. Certain things worry me about what she sees on telly, she is 12, I am not trying to wrap her up in cottonwool and I am not a prude but I just don't agree that she needs to be exposed to 15 films every other weeekend

What did your ex say about the nightmares and having to sleep in your bed?

littleredhen

He made no comment.

fluffnutter

What was he like when you were together?

littleredhen

Much the same, but most of discipline came from me,

BitterAndTwisted

If you want to get into a battle of wits over your ex's standard of parenting, just go ahead but it's going to get you nowhere, except tearing your hair out and your children miserable.

If you can't agree then you're just going to have to agree to disagree. You cannot have control over what happens in someone else's house, no matter how much you would like to.

Criticising and phoning up to complain is only going to succeed in putting the ex's back up and make him intransigent. This is a battle that you cannot win, so give it up.