Would you tell a child that NRP does not pay for them?

clearingout

silvercar wrote: »

Wow! So you know your view is biased but you present that to your children. Even if you explain that this is your view, do you also explain that you know you are biased?

As the PWC you have a very large influence on your children and preventing your negative views in this way is bound to create a bias against their father.

how about, just for once, we don't put everything on the PWC and we expect the NRP to face up to their responsibilities towards their children. If the father in this case were doing the right thing by all his children, there would be no case to answer to. It is....maddening that not only is the PWC supposed to put up and shut up and accept no financial support from her ex for their children, she is also supposed to smooth over her children's relationship with their father so that they don't think badly of him. That's his problem.

My ex's relationship with his children is his responsibility. I will never directly bad mouth him on purpose, but I sure as hell am not going to skirt around the edges of the truth because his bitterness and disatisfaction with the choices he made in life mean that getting one over on me (no maintenance) is more important than the welfare of his children. Adult children who have their own children know how difficult it is to parent - and they forgive the minor stuff and ponder on the bigger stuff and often never forgive what they consider unforgiveable. We all have choices. It's not my responsibility to somehow take responsibility for the choices my ex has made.

FBaby

As the PWC you have a very large influence on your children and preventing your negative views in this way is bound to create a bias against their father.

Just to add, no parent is perfect. They are things that my ex could say about my parenting skills (and I believe he does!) which I would agree with. However, I hope my kids are growing up accepting that no one is perfect. We do our best with what we can. That doesn't mean that because we are not perfect, we are not worthy of their love and care. So their father is not paying maintenance, and I am not cooking them the most healthy meals every night (he does when they are with them), does that mean that our kids are going to grow up resenting us forever for it?

I think it is hatred, lies and resentment between parents that breeds biased feelings, not being open and honest with them.

Seanymph

clearingout I want to applaud you.

that's exactly what I failed to say about three times in this thread!

I fail to see why the mother in this situation could ever be expected to lie to cover up the choice her ex has made. It baffles me. Why should the daughter not just have a father who makes no financial contribution, but also a mother who she can't trust because the mother lies to protect the fathers decisions.

And let's face it, if she can't tell the daughter the truth obviously everyone thinks it's a ropey decision.

He childcares child no. 2 to facilitate the mother working - so perhaps she should pay him the going childcare rate and he can pay his maintenance out of that?

mumps

clearingout wrote: »

how about, just for once, we don't put everything on the PWC and we expect the NRP to face up to their responsibilities towards their children. If the father in this case were doing the right thing by all his children, there would be no case to answer to. It is....maddening that not only is the PWC supposed to put up and shut up and accept no financial support from her ex for their children, she is also supposed to smooth over her children's relationship with their father so that they don't think badly of him. That's his problem.

My ex's relationship with his children is his responsibility. I will never directly bad mouth him on purpose, but I sure as hell am not going to skirt around the edges of the truth because his bitterness and disatisfaction with the choices he made in life mean that getting one over on me (no maintenance) is more important than the welfare of his children. Adult children who have their own children know how difficult it is to parent - and they forgive the minor stuff and ponder on the bigger stuff and often never forgive what they consider unforgiveable. We all have choices. It's not my responsibility to somehow take responsibility for the choices my ex has made.

How about just for once we put the children first? Both parents.

mumps

Seanymph wrote: »

clearingout I want to applaud you.

that's exactly what I failed to say about three times in this thread!

I fail to see why the mother in this situation could ever be expected to lie to cover up the choice her ex has made. It baffles me. Why should the daughter not just have a father who makes no financial contribution, but also a mother who she can't trust because the mother lies to protect the fathers decisions.

And let's face it, if she can't tell the daughter the truth obviously everyone thinks it's a ropey decision.

He childcares child no. 2 to facilitate the mother working - so perhaps she should pay him the going childcare rate and he can pay his maintenance out of that?

I haven't seen anyone say the mother should lie, she does not have to discuss maintenance with her children.

The father is responsible for his decisions, the mother is responsible for hers.

Seanymph

The daughter has as good as asked mumps - the mother owes it to her not to allow her to labour under an obvious falsehood.

She doesn't have to blame or judge, just educate.

And you can't, in this situation, have BOTH parents working for the best of the child as stated in the response to clearingout because one of them already doesn't bother!

So the mother has to do what is best for her daughter and herself - not cover his back side over decisions he has taken.

quidsy

She should tell the eldest that if she needs any extras to ask dad for the money as there is no "maintenance" at 12 she is well old enough to understand where the clothes, food, roof over her head etc comes from & that it isn't him. Why should she been seen as the bad guy when oldest wants stuff when dad has happily had more children with another when he couldn't afford the first lot. Doens't matter how much his new wife earns, not providing anything beyond the odd present at christmas & birthdays, for his first kids shows his rotten core.

Pollycat

mumps wrote: »

How about just for once we put the children first? Both parents.

Because the particular parent we are talking about - that would be the one who doesn't work so he can spend more time with child #3 from his 2nd family - has no intention of putting his 2 eldest children first.

I'm talking purely about this scenario raised by the OP.

Not about your child's illness or how you handled it, not about drinking in families or the other myriad subjects you've brought into this thread on the latter pages of this thread.

paulineb_2

The problem is, some parents won't put the children first.

As i said in previous posts my mum didn't ever bad mouth my father. She even supported me trying to get in touch with him. In fact she made the phone call to try and track him down which she did. He refused to speak to me far less see me. He paid the absolute minimum in child support and my mum had to go to court to get that.

And he's not been involved directly in my life since I was about three. He failed to turn up one day for an access visit and I never saw him again.

I made my own mind up about him, my mum didn't need to say anything. I think the 12 year old in this scenario has every right to know the dad doesn't contribute financially.

If that puts him in a less than favourable light, he's created this situation.

mumps

paulineb wrote: »

The problem is, some parents won't put the children first.

As i said in previous posts my mum didn't ever bad mouth my father. She even supported me trying to get in touch with him. In fact she made the phone call to try and track him down which she did. He refused to speak to me far less see me. He paid the absolute minimum in child support and my mum had to go to court to get that.

And he's not been involved directly in my life since I was about three. He failed to turn up one day for an access visit and I never saw him again.

I made my own mind up about him, my mum didn't need to say anything. I think the 12 year old in this scenario has every right to know the dad doesn't contribute financially.

If that puts him in a less than favourable light, he's created this situation.

That is my point exactly, I think your mother got it right and let you make your own mind up. Your father didn't behave as he should but your mother did so you at least had one parent who put you first. Children will work it out in their own time without being badmouthed.