People are funny...

margaretclare

Yesterday DH talked to his bro who lives in France. I should explain, almost the last time we saw his cousin and wife (cousin died of leukaemia a few weeks ago) they said 'Did you know your bro had got married?' No, we did not. We knew he lived with a lady, had done for some years, moved to France, bought an old farmhouse, were settled there. Yesterday they talked, as they do, by Skype. And DH asked 'Are you married?' The answer was yes. They'd got married a couple of years ago. This was followed by a long explanation all about French inheritance law, which is said to be 'draconian'.

Now, I know nothing, and care less, about French law. We are happily-married these 12 years in mid-January. To my mind, if a couple decide they want to spend the rest of their lives together then that is a good enough reason for getting married. Simple really.

But what was the point of all the secrecy? Why couldn't they tell us? When we got married I wanted to tell the world. It is - or should be - a very happy occasion. Not something to keep secret, and there shouldn't be a need for a long explanation about legal implications of marriage/non-marriage.

The only explanation I can possibly think of for the secrecy is - could it be all part of the whole Jewish thing about 'marrying out'? Even though DH's bro is in his mid/late 60s, parents long gone, and it should not matter a damn. Who is going to approve/disapprove?

I know that in France you have to have a civil marriage first, and a religious marriage is afterwards, or optional. I also know that bro-in-law has said he 'could not have come to our wedding because it was in a church'. Well, yes. But why is it such a big deal to be married in the local mairie, if that's what they do where you live? I am mystified, not because they got married, but because they chose to keep it secret for so long.

People are funny!

peachyprice

Was it really secrecy? Or was it just an em!!!!!!ance they had to go through to apease French inheritance laws (yes they are draconian) that they didn't feel the need to shout from the rooftops about because they'd rather not have had to do it?

Can't see anything wrong myself TBH.

brunettifan

Was it kept secret or just not advertised widely? Have you had much contact in the tine period? Did the Cousin attend the wedding?

My guess is that they it did purely for bureaucratic reasons and do not see marriage the same way you do, so saw no need to shout about it.

meer53

Not everyone shouts from the rooftops when they get married. Some are happy to keep it private. When we got married, we didn't tell anyone, we just went and did it, with 2 very good friends as witnesses.

margaretclare

peachyprice wrote: »

Was it really secrecy? Or was it just an em!!!!!!ance they had to go through to appease French inheritance laws (yes they are draconian) that they didn't feel the need to shout from the rooftops about because they'd rather not have had to do it?

Can't see anything wrong myself TBH.

I didn't say it was 'wrong'. Just that it seems odd. But you may have put your finger in the right place - it may be because they'd rather not have had to do it.

arbroath_lass

margaretclare wrote: »

We knew he lived with a lady, had done for some years, moved to France, bought an old farmhouse, were settled there.

Surely this shows they are not close though -"lived with a lady". They got married for their own reasons and didn't feel the need to tell anyone. Seems fair enough especially as they lived together for quite a time before that. Perhaps they saw it as their business alone?

They probably didn't want any fuss or an influx of gifts.

Mojisola

margaretclare wrote: »

I didn't say it was 'wrong'. Just that it seems odd. But you may have put your finger in the right place - it may be because they'd rather not have had to do it.

I've got relatives who had lived together for years very happily. It was only when he realised that his very good pension could only be passed to a spouse that they decided to get married. It didn't change their relationship - it was a purely administrative matter so they didn't make a big fuss about it.

margaretclare

It reminds me a bit of my half-brother. There are reasons why he's always felt fairly ambivalent about marriage. A few years ago, he announced they were getting married, and we were invited to a party to coincide with daughter's 18th. I asked if we could attend the wedding. 'Oh yes, but it will be very low-key...' In fact, it was lovely. It was a civil wedding in a very historic building which is the Liverpool registrar's office. The registrar made it a lovely joyful occasion and we were glad we'd gone - even though I was the most over-dressed person there!

The party was in their garden - they have a huge old house on the outskirts of Liverpool. I knew he'd never been in favour of marriage as such, and I said to him in private 'You can tell me to mind my own business but...why, and why now?' His explanation was, like bro-in-law's, financial. After a long career in social services, he has a very good pension scheme and as he said, 'we're not a long-lived family' and wanted to be sure she could inherit his pension. Well, that was OK. But we did get invited, we did enjoy the wedding and the party, and they didn't see any need to keep it all secret.

margaretclare

Mojisola wrote: »

I've got relatives who had lived together for years very happily. It was only when he realised that his very good pension could only be passed to a spouse that they decided to get married. It didn't change their relationship - it was a purely administrative matter so they didn't make a big fuss about it.

Exactly like my half-brother - but they did have a nice wedding too, and a party! We'd even have gone to France if we'd known.

Georgiegirl256

meer53 wrote: »

Not everyone shouts from the rooftops when they get married. Some are happy to keep it private. When we got married, we didn't tell anyone, we just went and did it, with 2 very good friends as witnesses.

We did the same. Just our parents were there, and we didn't tell anyone else as just wanted a small do, and didn't want all the aggro that can come with organising weddings. The MIL did tell DH's brothers though as she felt bad keeping a secret from them, and I think felt bad about them not being there....the DH wasn't bothered though, they're not really close at all.

OP, maybe they just didn't think it was a big deal? Bit weird not telling everyone after though I suppose.

margaretclare

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

OP, maybe they just didn't think it was a big deal? Bit weird not telling everyone after though I suppose.

Yes, that's exactly my point.